Secretary to the Ministry of Cupcake

In high school I had a history teacher named Mr. Grant who kept McDonald's coupons in his wallet (this was in 1996, way before electronic gift cards)(it was kind of like the Flintstones Era)(the Flintstones were a cartoon)(from the 1960's)(1960's? For real?!) so that when a person of a homeless nature approached him for a handout he could feel confident his money was going towards food* and not a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

(*food = this was also before Eric Schlosser and the rest of the Fast Food Nation would tell us the ingredients and preparation of many a McD's menu item, effectively ruining chicken nuggets for the rest of humankind.)(Who am I kidding?  Chicken nuggets are still awesome.)

I was thinking about Mr. Grant's coupons the other day as I was accosted by yet another person suffering from an irascible nature.  These people seem to be everywhere.  Walking by on the sidewalks, shopping in our stores, dining in our restaurants, texting while their kids play forlornly alone at the playground.

They are easily recognized because they look like they are personally offended simply by your presence.  They are hurried, short-tempered, and hindered by a litany of first world problems including being upset that "the Iced Capp machine is being cleaned and therefor unavailable to produce me Iced Capp".  (This may have been a personal experience.)  In short, they are suffering from a disease I like to call Splenetic Syndrome.*

(*this is simply because I'm too radio-friendly to call it the A-hole Syndrome, which I first wanted, and then every alternative I came up with was equally as curse-y and slang-ish.  Then thesaurus.com wouldn't let me search for the swears.  It kept asking me if I really meant "assail" which I didn't, so stop judging me thesaurus.com.)(Also, since I had to settle for crabby, "splenetic" is way more alliterate and has the same meaning.)(Vocabulary word for the day.)

Don't despair about these crabby/splenetic/irascible people, y'all.  I have a plan.

Being election year, I have a taken a page from the politician's handbook and decided to tell you why everyone else is handling this the wrong way be proactive in dealing with these poor, peevish, suffering people.  You see, on my birthday this year (way back in June, don't worry, you can send me a card next year) all I wanted was a Grasshopper cupcake from Just Baked.

It's like glass enclosed happiness.

Well, seeing as the fine people from Just Baked have decided that the grasshopper cupcake is best provided via phone ahead order (who plans a cupcake run?) I had to settle for the next best thing: two Snickerdoodle cupcakes A Just Baked gift card in the amount of one cupcake.

Because I am so committed to authentic blogging I took time to personally visit the fine establishment to capture digitally the glory of the Just Baked gift card because I used my birthday gift card on a triathlon cupcake.  And because it would be rude to waltz into Just Baked and simply take a picture of the gift card, I was morally obligated to purchase and inhale a Chubby Hubby cupcake.  Because I have manners.

I never knew such a gift card existed.  There is now a whole list of gift giving possibilities that could be taken advantage of for an excuse to visit Just Baked.  It's your birthday?  Have a cupcake on me. Valentine's Day?  Here's proof I love you.  The second Tuesday of every month?  Every day is a gift, people.

Thanks to Mr. Grant, here is my plan.  I will keep several Just Baked gift cards in my wallet, each with the amount of the purchase price for one cupcake.  (I think it's about $3.13 if you live in southeastern Michigan.)(Just a rough guess.)(It's not like I go there enough to have the price of one cupcake memorized.)(That would be vaguely loser-y sad the sign of a great memory.)  Every time I run in to someone who could clearly use some good cheer I will

1. Apologize profusely that their day sucks so much because that is the only reason they could possibly have for behaving so poorly.  I, too, have suffered bad days. (But I might have a lot of judgement for people that have awesome lives and are just whiiiiiiiiiners.)
2. Present them with a cupcake gift card.
3. Stand back and watch the joy.

All of this is just a plan in theory at this point.  I haven't actually presented anyone with a gift card yet, so step #3 might actually be 3. Stand back and get cussed out by crabby person who feels super judged to be the recipient of such a gift, but hey, sometimes you have to be willing to sacrifice for others.


In other cupcake news...

Not to brag or anything (totally bragging here) but I made these.  Turns out my best artistic medium is powdered sugar.  Who knew?  And they are vegan.  Woot.