Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Me and David Letterman

My very first post for this blog contained all the pertinent information I thought you would need to fully appreciate Sublurban Mama in all it's weirdness.  Today I am going to expound upon number 6: Sometimes I pretend interview myself on David Letterman.

Many of you have asked exactly how these interviews happen.  I mean, I'm just a lowly SAHM from Michigan, and Dave is, well, David Letterman.  Why is he always so interested in what I have to say?  And why does he interview me so frequently while I'm in the shower?  (In a word?  Boundary issues.)(His, not mine.)(Obviously.)

A few years ago Dave imaginary hired me as the made up position of Chief Correspondent on a fake segment he calls "Answers to the World's Problems".  He needed a rational voice that was also brilliant, compassionate, unbiased, and above all, humble, to share with the world a vision so profound it would be a disservice to society at large to keep it hidden within the confines of a modest ranch-style home in suburban Michigan.

When Dave interviews me it's usually to discuss the pressing issues that are tearing apart our great nation.  Welfare reform?  Of course I can speak on that.  Health care?  Sure I'll take a stab at it. (Stab? Health care? Needles? That's some sick humor.) When we discuss these matters he is effectively giving me an insanely public soapbox (I mean, it is CBS) on which I can bravely stand and spout a correct point of view to an audience who clearly agrees with sound logic and appreciates the passion with which it is communicated, because they are always receptive.

Today Dave asked me how I feel about Collective Bargaining, which, for you that live outside the general vicinity of the Motor City, might not be that huge of an issue.  Surely you know teachers that belong to The Union, but here in the good old Detroit area The Union is kind of a big deal.  A super huge deal.  Like, I only personally know of a handful of people that own foreign vehicles because they hate America.  Or because most people are scared The Union will slash their tires.  Kidding, that only happened once that I know of never happened.

The interview went fantastically, because I was right and unchallenged in my views.  Also?  I didn't offend anyone because it was all in my head (figuratively.  It was literally out loud because I was in the shower and communicating with my Earnest Voice all while glancing at the fictitious studio audience.  Because I'm relatable.)

Sometimes, after I finish an interview with Dave I think, "Wow.  I'm pretty smart. I would be an ah-MAY-zing president.  More people should hear my views on immigration/taxes/abortion/gay marriage."  But then I remember that I love people.  And I want them to keep loving me.  And nothing is sadder than when someone you love spouts a whole bunch of unsolicited political ideology that is totally wrong and you think, "Oh, how disappointing; I didn't know that person was laaame."  It's like your whole relationship is now tainted by an agenda you didn't even know existed.  I try not to do that to people I care about.

So, Dave, since you asked, who am I voting for this November?


I freaking love this name almost as much as I love the picture.  Whenever I see it, all I think is:

O - bro-mney for President.  

On the flip side, because this is America, where you are allowed to give your unsolicited opinions whenever you want, here is another point of view:

Heart this.


  1. love it it :)

    And, you are right...when I see a bumper sticker for the man I'm NOT voting for, I definitely have to ride up next to them in my mini van so I can find out WHO IN THE WORLD is voting for that man???? And then I judge my kids can....I mean CAN'T hear me... even worse when it's someone I actually thought I knew!!!

    Nice that you're keeping it "up high" on here :)

    1. lol - I can totally picture this minivan exchange!

  2. LOL!! Love it!!

    I disagree with the last graphic though. I don't think the folks who post endlessly (and I do mean endlessly) want to "discuss" politics. They just want their opinion heard. End of story. Which is fine, but that doesn't mean I can't "hide" them until November 7. :p Well, maybe November 8th or 9th, just to make sure they get it ALL out of their system. ;)

    1. There are certain days I just stay off FB completely because it just makes me like people less. Why can't we all just get in our showers and talk to David Letterman?


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