Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Not a drop of pig's blood anywhere.

true story bro.
Wednesday I verbally spewed posted about my decision to put on my big girl panties and face my fear of lifting weights at the gym that evening. I was nervous all day long, and even tried several times to talk myself out of it. Thankfully I suck at negotiations, so when Brian got home from work I headed to Lifetime and prepared to finally lift heavy weights with the big boys during peak hours.

The first thing I did when I got upstairs at Lifetime was find a treadmill and warm up. I prefer the treadmills over by the weights because they are much closer to the TV's  I can spy inconspicuously on other people working out  they are newer and my running is smoother. I usually run about a half a mile. I chose a treadmill in plain sight of the squat rack so I could torture myself for a full half mile in preparation for squatting.

When it came time to get off the treadmill I totally couldn't do it. I was all, "Maybe I'll run another minute," except multiply that thought times five. I ended up running a full mile before I realized I was going to burn my legs out if I kept that mess up. I needed to it.

Both squat racks were in use. I picked the one closest to me (a.k.a. my favorite rack and the only one I've ever used) and the dude on it said he had two more sets left. I thought about deadlifting first, but there were already three guys lifting there, and someone was working the ropes, so space was already really tight. Within a minute the other squat rack opened up, so I bee-lined it over and claimed it like an alpha male. (i.e. I threw my crap down and kicked off my shoes like I was IN MY OWN HOUSE.)(Because WHO'S HOUSE IS THIS?!?! MY HOUSE, BEACH-ES)(I may have been listening to Eminem rap Won't Back Down on my iPod at that time.)

(Also, "beach-es" is for Lauren.)(You're welcome)

I'm kind of glad I got the rack I was on because there was no mirror, so I really couldn't obsess over who might be watching me. I took a deep breath and actually self-talked. I was all, "You got this, Kel." It was totally like a Nike commercial in my mind only. I squatted the bar to warm up, then did a set at 65#. I did two sets at 85#, and a final set at 95#. It was interesting to note how much easier it is to squat at night as compared to 4:00 a.m. I was really warmed up and felt so much stronger. I felt like I could have gone another 20# but my heart rate was so high from nerves I called that set a victory and moved on to deadlifting.

Two guys were already set up in the area I needed to be in, so I waited until I caught their eyes and they gym pantomimed (you know, the non-verbal communication that happens when everyone is plugged in to some kind of device) that of course I was welcomed to set up as well.

I had a moment of panic when I realized the metal thingies (or, as Kemper calls them, "the weight clips") I needed to use were all taken, and the only ones left were the black ones. Yes, the same black ones Kemper has at his house that I couldn't figure out by myself and still didn't really understand. Still, I had to use something because it's what you do. I walked over all calm and collected and picked up the black ones and prayed Lord Jesus, please gift me with spontaneous mechanical skillz and He totally did because I figured that mess out in roughly two seconds. #miracle

Now that I looked like I knew what I was doing with the black clips I was free to deadlift. This was a bit trickier because I was facing a wall of mirrors and also surrounded by people, so I didn't need to obsessively imagine who was looking at me, I could see it with my own eyes.

The consensus? Nobody really cares what I'm doing. That realization could have been vaguely disappointing if I was someone with narcissistic tendencies. (Haha, that's a blogger joke.) I did my normal deadlift set, and felt the same way I did about squatting; I think at night I'll be able to lift a bit heavier.

I finished with the rest of my leg day routine. I've changed it up a bit since my last post about leg day, mainly because since then I've trained with Kemper and he showed me some new things to add. I did reverse lunges with kettlebells, some Romanian deadlifts with a 45# plate, plie squat jumps, bridges, leg extension, and hamstring curls.

I was so freaking jubilant at this point that I decided to extend my cool down run with intervals. I did about 2.5 miles of a combination of sprints, high incline walks, and recovery jogs. I was so happy and proud of myself I forgot Brian needed me home because he had an 8:00 appointment and I pulled in the driveway at 8:30. Total wife fail. (But don't worry, Brian is as awesome as he seems and reacted by saying, "I'm glad you're not dead. I have to go," and the minute he returned from his appointment said, "So how did lifting go?" because he's the Best Husband Ever.)

So, yeah, being a nighttime meathead was fantastic.

In other Really Important Life-altering News: I have some weight loss updates.

First, here are the picture results of the 90 day weight loss challenge. I feel like they would be way more impressive if I was wearing a sports bra and some shorts but Brian would kill me there are teen boys from my church that read my blog occasionally and I got a rep to maintain, y'all. This first picture is me at 168.9 and 37% body fat.

These are my Second Day Jeans. Those are the jeans that are miserable to wear the first day but finally fit you the second day. In this picture, even the Second Day is looking pretty uncomfortable. Also, the arms of that shirt were cutting off my freaking circulation.

This second picture was taken a few weeks ago. 149.9 and 24.4% body fat.

Same clothes straight out of the dryer. Hot. Literally.
My Second Day Jeans are now too big to even be First Day Jeans and have been put in my Big Girl Pile under the bed.

I haven't posted any weigh ins for a while for a few reasons. One was that it was harder than I thought to sneak onto the fancy scale at Lifetime. I wanted to use the same scale for consistency purposes but also because it gives me body fat percentage. I was able to weigh myself twice during my 4:00 mornings, but I have been suffering a tenacious plateau for a few weeks. I've been hanging out at around 150# and between 24-25% body fat since the challenge ended. I had/have no idea why but it is what it is.

But last Thursday I weighed in with the new trainer* (because remember I won a month of free personal training at Lifetime?!) and I weighed in at 150.3 and 24.8% body fat. We decided that every Thursday I could weigh in with him, so last night I got on that scale and weighed in at 147.9 with a body fat of 23.6%. ONE FORTY SEVEN POINT NINE Y'ALL. That, my friends, is my LOWEST ADULT WEIGHT EVER. (*Picture confetti falling from the ceiling because that totally happened in my mind*) That's also my lowest body fat percentage, so I'm a happy girl.

(*I'll write about the new trainer once we've had a few more sessions.)(You know, to be fair and all.)(Spoiler: he's not a meathead.)

I'll leave you with this crappy iPhone picture awesome shot of my Saturday night 13 Years of Wedded Bliss Anniversary Date cheat meal. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did :)

What you can't see - my turkey sandwich is on cranberry walnut bread. Also on my sandwich? Apples. And yes, that *is* diet coke. #partyhard

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I just hope it doesn't turn into that scene from Carrie ... you know the one.

"Just go already, Kel. You'll totally have a
good time. Everyone will accept you, until
they unleash the pig's blood
Tonight is a big night for me.

I had a little talk with myself last week after I admitted I was feeling my body shut down. I was tired, cranky, and honestly sick to freaking death of this stupid weight loss plateau. I had to take a look at my workouts and diet and figure out what I needed to do in order to feel strong again. After reviewing my food journal I saw I average about 4-5 hours of sleep a day. That is apparently not enough zzzz's. So, are you ready? Monday was my farewell to the 4:00 a.m. Meathead Crew.  Tonight is the night I suck it up and do my squats and deadlifts at the time I would normally head to the gym, i.e. the time the rest of the free world also goes to the gym.

See, 4:00 a.m. is a crutch for me. I went then to lift because it's most comfortable. These big weights are still so new and intimidating. I don't like learning new things in public. I want privacy as I figure stuff out and make my mistakes. But lack of sleep is killing me. So tonight I am going to walk purposefully into the super crowded free weight section and possibly have to wait for a squat rack to open up and lift what I need to lift without freaking out on the outside. I will not obsess over alltheboyz who have allthegainz and work out like they know allthethingz.

Wish me luck. And for no pig's blood. Duuuuuude.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

And that's why I married him

Scene: It is late last night. Brian has just returned from a Bible study at Panera. I am sitting on the couch, averting my eyes in shame.

Kelly: Babe, I need to say something.

Brian: *totally nervous* Um, yeah?

Kelly: I just ate EVERYTHING. I had a totally bad day and the kids were awful and both my workouts sucked and I came home from the gym and all the chores were still left AND I'M TOTALLY PMS-ING and I can't even talk about all the food I just put in my body especially all the ice cream. *sniffles a little bit*

Brian: Well-

Kelly: *completely interrupts* and I'm just so mad because this is the first time I've binged during this whole thing. I mean, my Mexican Feast was a decided upon bad choice - it was almost like it was premeditated - and Easter was a bunch of small bad choices but all limited to meals. Tonight I just ATEALLTHEJUNK. I wasn't even really hungry; I just ate because I was mad. And it didn't make me happy at all.

Brian: I know the supportive husband in me should feel so bad because you've been working so hard for so long, but my first honest thought was, "YES! Maybe she'll get her boobs back."

Kelly: *laughs* *smacks him upside the head* *uses the opportunity to ask for a Mommy Makeover again*

Marriage, ya'll.

Monday, May 19, 2014

More on Monday (not to be confused with Moron Monday)(which I can see you assuming because you've read my blog before)

Since I skipped Five on Friday, I am going to do a short but sweet More on Monday post for you because alliteration.

One = I am totally a winner

Everybody hands go up
Like, for real a winner. I was entered in a raffle at Lifetime Fitness for a month of free personal training when I did my last weigh in for the 90 Day Challenge (results with pics coming soon). Guys? I WON. I meet with a trainer twice a week for a month starting tomorrow. I asked Kemper about the trainer I was assigned because ain't no one messing with what Kemper is doing with me, but he's never heard of him. I probably got the newest newbie on the block but that's okay because IT'S FREE PERSONAL TRAINING FOR A MONTH. I'm going to give this new trainer my current workout schedule and "suggest" what I'd like to do during our time together. Is that rude? I don't even care. I really really really hope he's a meathead.

Two = I am totally sore

After my last session with Kemper I was all, "Maybe I can lift heavier than I have been," especially since he told me the last rep or two of every single set should be hard, and not just the final set as I had been basing my weights on. So I've been working my tush off at the gym with heavier weights (I upped my deadlift from 85 pounds to 105 pounds and my squat from 105 to 115) and ohmylanta does my body appreciate it. I can tell it is appreciation my body feels because it has been screaming in gratitude from my chest down. I even hit up the bottle of Aleve so I wouldn't take it out on the sweet kiddos that never aleve me the heck alone, even when my level of pain indicates I'm probably over exaggerating  being a giant weenie dying.

Three= I am totally tired

1. Don't get too jealous of my awesome baseball hair.
2. Yes, that's my friend Rick of our camping trip fame
photobombing this picture of me and two of my
3. I packed a protein bar for a snack when everyone
else got oreos and candy. I BETTER LOSE
Clue number one that Brian and I are getting sooooooo old? After our weekend we are both fried. Like, "getting prepped to cage match over who got to take a nap Sunday afternoon" fried. (Brian totally won.)(But only because I had another event.) Friday we drove down to Toledo to see the Mudhens get destroyed by another minor league team who I cannot name to save my life. (Confession? I hate watching baseball. It has to be the slowest game in the history of sports. I love going to see the Mudhens once a year because we go with our church and buy out almost a whole section. This is fun because visiting and not watching the game.) Afterwards there were fireworks. We got home with four kiddos a little after midnight.

Saturday was a wedding of some dear family friends two hours away. We got home just in time for me to take off my heels and go grocery shopping. I did some paperwork and hit the hay because Sunday was church, errands, and a concert. Wonder what 34 years old is like? Being exhausted by the previous few days events where the latest one was midnight.

Four = I am totally ready to kill my neighbor

My favorite part of music school was a little amenity called "Practice Rooms". Practice rooms were little soundproof spaces where one could take a nap  make out with someone like that one time at Band Camp  practice their instrument without bothering anyone else. Some may think, as I am someone who majored in music, that I enjoy hearing it regularly. You would be wrong. I am very particular about noise level and do not appreciate the same two measures of practiced trumpet music for fifteen minutes. Which is exactly what my neighbor is now sharing. And is an improvement over the thirty minutes of scales that were the prequel to the main attraction.


I'm about to yell, "GET A ROOM!" and he will totally understand what I mean.

Five = I am totally premenstrual

Chocolate is not your friend, Kelly.
Chocolate does not share your goals, Kelly.
(repeat ad nauseam until Cheat Meal)
(whoever says Cheat Meal can't include the last Reese's Peanut Butter egg left from Easter I will cut you.)


Tuesday, May 13, 2014

That time I did squats with Eminem back when he was just Marshall

Totally the birthplace of a CHAMPION squatter.
Kemper's last day at Lifetime Fitness was about three weeks ago, which means I have been anticipating working out with him for roughly 21 days. When I say "anticipate" I mean I was equal parts seriously excited to learn to squat and see Kemper but also horribly terrified of the workout because Kemper said once in passing that training with him would be "really hard". I may have been projecting my own fears into that innocent statement, but I found myself looking forward to this training session the way I "looked forward" to childbirth: just survive the process so you can enjoy the results.

I mentally prepared for the workout by listening to Beastie Boys Ill Communication in the Ford Flex on the drive over. I cranked it up as high as it would go and white girl rapped along because, just like Mike D.,  "I freak a funky beat like the stuff* was in a blender." 

(*stuff - suburban mom edit.)

(I also got lost on the way because I don't have GPS I got off on the wrong exit and took a lovely little tour of Detroit Metro Airport. Also on the unscheduled stop list: 7-11 because I drink a crapton of water and have a nervous bladder so I had to freaking use a 7-11 bathroom which means I probably now have flesh-eating virus, hepatitis A, and E.coli.)(Also, don't ever Google diseases you can get using a public restroom.)(There are things out there you can't unlearn.)

I knew right away when I drove past Kemper's house because there was a giant tire in his driveway. (I immediately cemented an inner vow to one day flip that tire over while pretending Elliott Hulse's camera people were filming me for Strength Camp videos.) Kemper trains out of his garage, which ups the excitement factor considerably, because already I would be that much more removed from my normal life at Lifetime, and that much closer to being best friends with Elliott Hulse and training barefoot without air conditioning like a beast.

When I walked into the garage Kemper was all, "Well, here it is," and as I looked
around, do you know how I felt? I felt like I was watching Eminem perform at the Shelter in '97. If that makes no sense to you whatsoever, you probably don't live in Michigan. (Haha - it probably doesn't make sense to people who live in Michigan either.)(Welcome to my brain.) Eminem used to rap in local clubs (like the Shelter) before he got big. Whenever I daydream about owning a time machine (what everybody daydreams about, right?) I think about going back and seeing Eminem before he became EMINEM. (And also meeting Jesus in the flesh. I'm not a total heathen.)(Yes I am.)(But I'm totally saved by grace and would use the time machine to meet Jesus first so don't worry, Sister Wife Rose who will call me out on all this.)

Standing in Kemper's garage, seeing how he has created this full working gym with his stamp on it, and it's so clean and organized, and even though he was playing crappy music music I would not have chosen* (which hey, we can forgive him for because he was born in the 90's when all the great music was already coming out)(*mental note to buy Kemper some Rage Against the Machine, Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Green Day, Weezer, Pearl freaking Jam, and I can not even start on the great hip hop of that time)(yes I can - Notorious B.I.G., Cypress Hill, Warren G and Nate Dogg, House of Pain, and *guilty pleasure* COOLIO because GANGSTA'S PARADISE - NEED I SAY MORE?) I felt like, standing there, I was getting to experience the beginnings of something ... big. Because when you take the kind of drive Kemper has and mix it with his passion for fitness and genuine care for his clients - well, I really believe this guy is going to succeed far above the average suburban trainer. I felt like I was getting to experience something special; the humble beginnings of a dude that could one day command $500+ an hour for training services. So being in Kemper's gym it was like I was watching Eminem perform at the Shelter back in '97 - get it?

Of course I was totally overwhelmed by all those thoughts (and I had to go to the bathroom again) and so all I said was , "Wow, this is really cool, Kemper," or something else entirely lame that didn't give away ALLTHETHOUGHTS crowding my brain.

Kemper had me warmup with some jogging in place and jumping jacks. Then he had me do some leg swings (I'm sure that's the technical term) to loosen up my hips and legs so I could do what I came to do: SQUAT.

Squatting. Was. Amazing.

It was seriously everything I wanted it to be. 

Someday, Meatheads, someday.
I did a few light sets while Kemper corrected my form (I have a tendency to tuck my pelvis under right before I come up) and then he started piling on the weight. The most I squatted at Lifetime was 50 pounds. The Olympic bar alone is 45 pounds. Kemper upped it to 65. Then 85. Then 95. I did my final set of 8 reps at 105 pounds.

I still haven't stopped smiling, and I can't wait to do it again at Lifetime.

After squatting Kemper had me do a variation of a Romanian deadlift using a 45 pound plate and superset it with something I lovingly call "The Mermaid". I'm sure this particular exercise has a real name, but it involves laying on your stomach with a stability ball squeezed between your feet and raising your feet up and down while you curse at Kemper in your head. The best part of this whole move was that when I got up, my entire silhouette was outlined in sweat on the mat below. 

It was super attractive.

Next I did some reverse lunges with kettlebells superset with 30 seconds of plie squat jumps. By this time I had to take off my glasses because I was sweating too much to keep them on. Also, they were fogging up. No joke. Probably my biggest nerd moment in history. Werkin' it.

Kemper ended our session with some corrective squatting with a band around my legs (above my knees) while holding onto the squat rack to help fix my propensity to overcompensate for my bad left hip flexor by using my right leg in all sorts of funky ways. We used this time to chat about our mutual love for Elliott Hulse and fangirled together.

Then Kemper said something totally misleading like, "It's time to stretch," and I assumed the hard part was over. 

Now, the man knows I have hip flexor issues. We also talked a little bit about tight quads being the root of the twinge I feel in my left leg when I do lunges. So, being the amazing trainer he is, he set out to help relieve that tightness with a stretch straight from Hell.

The first one wasn't so bad. It targeted my hamstrings and glutes and was uncomfortable but alright. Next he had me take a runner's lunge position. He took my foot that was on the floor and raised it behind me until I yelled, "UNCLE!" it was at the limit. Next, he had me push my foot against his hand for a count of three, deceptively let me relax and then raised it even higher. He did this twice. Then he repeated the whole thing on the other side. 

It was then I knew that Kemper was lucky I was incapacitated because I'm pretty sure even though he is strong enough to take me under normal circumstances I was fueled by enough OHMYWORDIHATEYOUSOMUCHRIGHTNOW pain that I could have kicked his A all the way to Toledo. Which? Was about a 45 minute drive away.

But afterwards my legs felt fantastic and I forgave him immediately, so don't worry, we're still boyz.

We ended our session with him looking through my food journal because for the second week in a row I gained .2 of a pound and I'm not playing around with that mess. (Can I just say that there is no use with secrets once someone has seen your food journal? It's easily one of the most humbling experiences I've ever had.)(I feel like I have Tourettes while he is looking at it because I'm constantly yelling out things like, "BUT I DIDN'T EAT THE BUN!" and "I KNOW IT WAS MCDONALD'S BUT I GOT THE SALAD!" as his eyes scan the page.)(Awesome.)

The general consensus is that I need to eat more. I'll plan on adding a few hundred calories of good quality food on the days I work out twice. Twist my arm.

So there you have it. I came, I saw, I squatted. Life is beautiful.

(*Kemper, your music doesn't suck that much.)(Seriously, what do I know? I'm an old lady with awesome taste in music.) *insert smiley face emoticon so you know I'm messing with you*

Sunday, May 11, 2014

How I Lost 19 pounds and 13% Body Fat in 90 Days (A.K.A. The Most Detailed Post EVER)

Gun Show in town.
Me and my nephew "Brennan the Bicep".
Also, Esther photobombs her mama with
rabbit ears. Always a classic.
(This post is a giant shout out to the lady behind the blog What DID we do all day? a homeschooling blog focused on Montessori education. She has been really patient with me as it has taken me forever to follow through with this promised post about the details of my weight lifting experience. So, thanks for your patience and I hope this is helpful!)

First of all, I am incredibly unqualified to write anything remotely professional about weight lifting. I am a newbie in every sense of the word. But I can share the things I have learned these past two months, and the things I am doing that have contributed to a 19 pound weight loss and 13% loss of body fat.

So what the heck is lifting heavy? How much weight do you need to lift in order to meet the criteria for the latest in workout buzzwords? Here's the short answer - it's really subjective. It's kind of like when someone asks me, "Are you a fast runner?" because I always think, "Compared to what?" I'm much slower than a cheetah. I'm barely much slower than Meb Keflezighi. But I'm faster than I was two years ago. And I'm definitely faster than I was four years ago, when I did not run at all. So, um, yeah I'm a fast runner ... compared to me.

It's similar with lifting heavy. Do I lift heavy? Compared to the bro in the Meathead section deadlifting 400 pounds, no, I don't lift heavy. But do I lift heavy compared to me? HECK YES I do. 

There are a bunch of websites that try to give a mathematical formula for finding your perfect lifting heavy weight, but they were all way too advanced for a beginner like me. Most of them started with "Take 70% of your max lifting load..." and I was all, "How do I find my max lifting load when I have to Google and Youtube whatever fancy exercise you want me to do to begin with?" Also, math was involved, which is pretty much a deal breaker for me right there. Thankfully I had Kemper with me the first time to help pick a starting weight.*

(*You can read about my first "lifting heavy" workout with Kemper by clicking here. He basically ran me through a simple introductory workout using cabled machines. It was a great starting point because I felt like I understood what it felt like to lift heavy and could do the routine without a spotter or a trainer standing next to me. (Although I did have to refrain from asking Kemper to walk me over to the Meathead side of the gym so I could use the leg press on more than one occasion, because while I didn't need someone to spot my weight I surely needed emotional support.)(Because Meatheads.)

But honestly, you can do it without a Kemper (although if you live in Southeastern Michigan it would be much much easier just to hire him). The most helpful thing Kemper has said about weights has been to "play with it." He told me to play around with weights until I found a weight that I could lift 6-8 times in a row for 3 sets. By the end set I should be struggling to finish the last few reps. That, to me, is a really good working definition of lifting heavy. (In my perfect little Type A world that was really hard to hear, because I did not want to play "guess and check" in the middle of a crowded gym. I mean, what more telling way to be outed as the Fat Mom Poser than to have to readjust my weights mid-set?)(But guess what I discovered? NO ONE IS WATCHING BECAUSE NO ONE CARES.)(Shocker.) But using that definition and watching for the struggle has been really helpful advice, and it also lets me know when I am ready to up my weights. When it gets too easy and I finish three complete sets without any problem, I know it's time to go heavier.

Here is my current routine. I have been lifting weights since late March of this year. I did the same routine Kemper initially showed me for a few weeks, and then changed it up to the one I currently do. These are what my current workouts look like:

Monday: Arm/Ab Day (am) and a Core Blast class (pm):

I start with a 5 minute treadmill jog. I set the incline for 1% and the speed at 5.3 mph. This is just enough to get my blood flowing.

Next, I superset chest press and seated rows. This is a fancy way to say that I do these two exercises back to back without rest between them. I rest between each set for about 30 seconds to a minute.

chest press: 3 sets of 8 reps at 50-60 lbs
seated row: 3 sets of 8 reps at 50-60 lbs

(So, supersetting these means that I get on the chest press machine and push out 8 reps, jump on the seated row machine and pull back 8 reps, and then rest 30 seconds to a minute. Then I repeat that two more times.)

I also superset lateral pulldown (machine) and shoulder press (dumbbells)

lateral pulldown: 3 sets of 8-10 reps at 75-85 lbs
shoulder press: 3 sets of 12 reps at 20 lbs in each hand

I superset assisted pullups and assisted dips (both cabled machine)

assisted pullups: 3 sets of 8-10 reps at 55 lbs
assisted dips 3 sets of 8-10 reps at 55 lbs

assisted wide pullups: 3 sets of 8 reps at 70 lbs (on a good day)

I superset bicep curls and tricep dips (on a ledge or stool) (dumbbells)

bicep curls: 3 sets of 10 reps at 15 lbs
tricep dips: 3 sets of 20 dips at body weight

lateral raises: 3 sets of 10 reps at 10 lbs in each hand

Ab Workout:

I superset 1 minute planks with the following exercises:

Russian twist with a medicine ball: 3 sets of 20 reps with a 15 second v-sit hold
bicycle crunch: 3 sets of 20 reps
toe touch crunches: 3 sets of 20 reps
roll ups: 3 sets of 10 reps
superman: 3 sets of 30 seconds (sometimes with a medicine ball)

Cool down run: This is honestly as long as I have time for. It's at least five minutes, but I just run until I have to stop in order to have time to stretch before I have to get home.

Core Blast (pm)

I love this class. It's starts with stability work, and then spends about 45 minutes doing circuits of ab work, high intensity cardio drills, and recovery drills. Kevin teaches it, and he is always incorporating moves he stole borrowed from Insanity or Crossfit. He changes it up a lot as well, so I never get bored. Also, I want to physical harm him at least twice a class, which I'm pretty sure is how you judge the efficiency of a fitness instructor.

Tuesday: REST DAY!!!!

I train mine using the Watching Copious Amounts of HGTV plan.

Wednesday: Leg Day (am) and Run (pm)

Treadmill warmup. (Same as Arm/Ab day)

I'm pretty sure this is what comes after I learn to use
the Olympic bar.
I start with squats. I do 2 sets of 8 reps non-weighted squats to warm up because I have tight hip flexors. Then I do 4 working sets. (I rest about 30 seconds between sets.)
squats: 2 sets of 8 reps at 40 lbs (free weights)
squats: 2 sets of 8 reps at 50 lbs (free weights)

I am greatly anticipating this changing tonight because I have a session with Kemper and he is going to teach me how to squat with the Olympic bar. Right now I'm limited to a weight I can safely press over my own head, so the heaviest I've gone is 50 pounds. I'M SO EXCITED TO SQUAT!!!!

Deadlifts: 2 sets of 8 reps at 75 lbs (free weights)
                3 sets of 8 reps at 85 lbs (free weights)

Leg Press (machine): 2 sets of 8 reps at 220 lbs
                                 2 sets of 8 reps at 270 lbs
                                 2 sets of 8 reps at 290 lbs

I superset lunges and bridges: (free weights)

Standing lunges: 3 sets of 10 reps with 20 lbs in each hand
Bridge: 3 sets of 15 with a 15 second hold

I superset hamstring curl and leg extension (cable machine)

Hamstring curl: 3 sets of 12 reps at 40 lbs
Leg extension: 3 sets of 12 reps at 70 lbs

Treadmill run cool down.

Run (pm)

This run is more for sanity reasons than anything else. It's really easy, and my legs are still pretty pumped up from the morning workout. (I generally don't get too sore until the next day.)

Thursday: Swim Day/ Rest Day (pm) !!!

I swim on Thursdays, but treat this swim as a rest day. It's really a maintenance swim so I don't have to start from scratch when I decide to do another triathlon. I focus on bilateral breathing and a slowish pace.

kick: 200 yards
swim: 600 yards (1 x 50 with 10 seconds rest)
kick: 200 yards 

Honestly? The kicking is so I can chat with Sarah ;-) She goes earlier than me and gets the bulk of her workout done so that we can have adequate talk time. 

Friday: Arm/Ab Day Repeated (am)

Saturday: Social Time with Sarah Treadmill (am)

Saturdays are some of my favorite workouts because I do what I want. I always run, but lately I've been trying to focus on speedwork. I really baby my left foot still. A normal workout looks something like this:

(Warmup: 5 mins at 1% incline at 3.4 mph)

Run: 5 mins at 1% incline at 5.5 mph
Run: 2 mins at 1% incline at 5.9 mph
Walk: 5 mins at 8% incline at 3.4 mph

(Cooldown: 5 mins at 1% incline at 3.5)

I repeat this cycle for about an hour. Each 2 minute run cycle increases by .1 every cycle. So by the end of my workout, my 2 minute cycle is at about 6.3-6.4 mph. (See above - am I fast? Currently for me, this is fast.) I honestly don't know that this workout does anything to improve my fitness, but I do it because it's fun. The time flies by, and I can talk with Sarah or people watch galore during this session. (And the Saturday morning people watching at Lifetime is a GOLDMINE.)

Sunday: Leg Day Repeated (am)

That's generally it. Also, I'll change everything up when I mentally (or physically) get bored. I keep a journal not only for food but also for my workouts and for how much sleep I get. This is totally obsessive and is just because my brain likes lists and having visual reminders of progress. Because I'm a nerd.

I hope that was helpful. Sorry for the loooooooong post, and thanks to all that made it to the end. Have a glorious Monday!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Just Call Me Sasquatch

Don't count your chickens, y'all.

I was so one hundred percent sure I was going to hit goal at my weigh-in that I almost scheduled my reward hair and eyebrow appointment on Monday morning nine hours before my actual weigh in. I thought, "Why wait until Tuesday to schedule the appointment I am surely going to earn?" Because of course I was going to lose .7 of a pound and hit goal. I've lost weight every single week of this challenge (the exception being the major pigout back in March one minor deviation from the plan Kemper gave me where I ate Mexican food until I burst and gained .5 pounds that week). This week was no different than any other week that resulted in a LOSS. I was really faithful to my eating plan and even PR'd some of my lifting weights. If anything I was much more committed because I need my eyebrows done so badly and I am so close to the prize.

But sometimes the scale is not your friend.

The good news? I went from 26.1% body fat down to 24.4% body fat which is the lowest I've been in my entire adult life. I'm officially not obese as far as The Internet Medical Community and Google are concerned. But my actual weight? It freaking went up. I actually gained .2 of a pound (I know, someone shoot me while I play my whiny violin here). So this week? I weighed in at 149.9 with a body fat percentage of 24.4%. Dude. Seriously. Just call me Sasquatch Eyebrows.

This Saturday is the official end of the challenge. I have one more chance to reach goal during the challenge. BRING IT FREAKING ON, SCALE. Lifetime Fitness is holding a raffle for everyone who shows up for the final weigh in and the prize is one month of personal training. That's eight sessions with a personal trainer. They are giving away four of these bad boys and I really really really want one. I'll let you know if my pathetic pleading face gets me more entries.

Other News of Vital Importance

24: Live Another Day - Meh. Brian and I don't sit and watch that much television, so after two whole hours of sitting on the couch I was suffering. And by suffering I mean I was struggling to stay awake while Brian jabbed me every few minutes and said, "You're not asleep, are you?"

My Master Plan to Infiltrate the Early Morning Meatheads - Phase One went fairly well. This morning was leg day, and while I'm waiting for Kemper to teach me to squat with the Olympic bar, today I managed to get out the Little Bar (technical term, I'm sure) and some weights and squat heavier than I ever have before. My main goal was to not fall over because balance has never been a great friend to me and I totally met *that* goal.

While I was over in the Meathead section, I noticed one of the nicer meatheads doing cleans while my Booty Boyfriend did deadlifts next to him. I have been studying cleans recently with Elliott Hulse and am worried about hurting my wrists. I watched him during my leg press set and finally went over and asked about where to hold the weight during cleans. (Yes, I was totally ready for another "Are you looking at my butt?" exchange.)(But this time I was prepared.)(This is mainly because one of my Sister Wives is hilarious and gave me the most inappropriate line of all times which I will never ever be able to speak in the moment but at least gives me courage knowing a comeback is handy if I ever need it.)

The Nice Meathead lived up to his name and explained all about where to hold the weight. My Booty Boyfriend chimed in twice during our conversation about cleans and each time made a completely relevant joke about mopping. Because any girl that cleans is sure to be using a mop.

He's a charmer, that one.

So phase one ended with two of the meatheads who have pretended I'm invisible for two months looking at me and not through me and giving me helpful and encouraging advice, and one meathead still trying to (*insert sarcasm font*) win my heart.

I think Phase One was a success.

Monday, May 5, 2014


So today I was going to write this super informative and helpful post about lifting and diet because I felt I owed it to everyone to write something of substance since I was MIA Friday.


My weekend was pretty awesome. Busy awesome. Friday night was Mom Busy (a.k.a. filled with Saturday errands because Saturday was filled with other happenings), Saturday was an all day women's retreat -without any kids!- where I got to spend tons of time with Sister Wife Rose and eat homemade guacamole, and Saturday night filled with bath time, laundry, and back episodes of the Blacklist. Sunday was the gym, church, baseball, working over at our rental house (which we are renaming the "Soon To Be Sold house"), and food prep while watching Ocean's Eleven on network television. (I am always impressed with the way they recreate the naughty words when they edit a movie for television. When I watch it's like a brainteaser for decoding swears.)

But the real reason there is no substantive post is seriously, can anyone even pretend to pay attention to anything today when I know we are all just counting down to Jack Bauer's return tonight on 24: Live Another Day?

(From just the previews I have concluded that my girl crush on Chloe is still well founded. Because not only is she still "Chloe", she has a tough girl look going on as well, which completely works for her.)(In unrelated news, I've composed my letter to Dirk Vermin from Bad Ink pleading my case for a tattoo redesign. As cool as it is, I really don't want to go the rest of my life with a broccoli tattoo in the middle of my back.)(Also, I've been searching Pinterest for haircuts.)(Because I'm .7 of a pound away from earning a haircut and eyebrow wax.)(For the sake of all humanity, pray I get it today. The Sasquatch Eyebrow look went out with crocs and socks but I am currently rocking it hardcore.)(Thank God for bangs.)

So friends, in conclusion, stay strong. 8:00 p.m. will come soon enough.

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