Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Pee Em Ess

Brian:  Do you know anyone on medication for depression?
Kelly (snorts): It's more like "do I know anyone who is not on medication for depression".  Why?
Brian:  I think you should look into it.
Kelly:  I'm not depressed.  I'm HORMONAL.

So all I can think about today is the finale of Lost and how much it still wrecks me.   I just can't believe that after six seasons together I was left to grieve anew deaths that I handled two or three seasons prior.  I couldn't even fully celebrate the reunions of Charlie and Claire, or Sun and Jin, knowing now that they are like for real gone.  They don't even exist in some fantasy tv world where all the retired characters go to hibernate with the hope that they could return if the network wanted them too.  (And yes, I feel the same way about George from Grey's.)

It was when I was composing a strongly worded letter to the writers of Lost (in my head) that I realized, Dude, Lost's been over for like two years.  Get a grip, Psycho Maybe I'm just ready for my period or something.

(A Rant for Free:  Matthew Fox really needs to get his junk together, man.  Seriously.  Season 1 Jack - who we can all agree is super hot marvelous - is everything Matthew Fox could be, you know, if he pretended to be someone else for the rest of his life.)(And?  I never fully bought the Kate/Jack element.)(But I'm still so torn up I can't even think about Hurley and Libby.)

So.  The Lost Finale is clue #1 that things are about to get menstrual.

Clue #2?  My outrage that Burger King would be so short-sighted as to declare the Hershey Sundae Pie "not a breakfast item."  What?  I live in Michigan, home of the third shift and premenstrual woman about to start another year of homeschool.  There are probably hundreds tens of workers leaving their shift at 7:30 a.m. with one thought in mind:  Hershey Sundae Pie.  And here is Burger King, just ready to disappoint and point out condescendingly that it is only 7:00 a.m. and they would be glad to offer a Cinnabon Minibon instead.  What kind of scam is this?

All you third shifters, the Union men you are, this is when you contact your reps.  They fought for overtime pay, eight hour workdays, weekends ... is it too much to ask to be able to eat some dessert after working hard on the line?

So instead I ate two ding dongs.  Consecutively.  I stopped at two because they ran out I could see the 30 Day Shred video while I was inhaling them at the computer and Jillian Michaels was judging me from the cover.  Then I had a mental fight with Jillian that wasn't nice or fair and I was just feeling vulnerable (and fat) (and crabby) and Jillian was just sitting there with her abs of steel and curvy hips, not even craving a ding dong.

Clue #3 - An extension of the Jillian fight; I've had a mental fistfight with almost every single person to cross my path today.

I went (internally) MMA on the sweet librarian who informed me I'm number eleven on the waiting list for Insurgent, but I totally finished Divergent last night and I'm ready for it now.

Also, Crazy Mom Shopping for School Supplies at Meijer Who's About to Yank the Last 1" Binder Out of My Hands:  I know what you are thinking and yeah, I do smell like onions.  It's because I made fajitas for my family for dinner because I'm a good mom who feeds my kids vegetables. (And I'm buying this binder.)(Also for my kid.)

And finally, CFL Light Bulb that Burned Out A Week Ago but has Yet to be Replaced - why are you so ugly?  Why can't you just be a normal shaped lightbulb?  Someday in the future when people draw comics and they want to illustrate a "lightbulb moment" it's your ugly body they will draw above an enlightened face.  It's so foreign, so wrong.  It's like you've ruined comic books forever.  There goes childhood.  Nice job.

In conclusion,  I should probably take some Midol and wash my yoga pants so I can spend all day tomorrow on the couch doing Corpse Pose.

See?  Totally athletic.


  1. Ha ha ha, I'm so with you on the lightbulb thing!! Sorry about your Hershey Sundae pie loss. ;)

    1. Don't worry, I totally showed BK who's boss with my huge fit of ding dong consumption. ;-)


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