Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Facebook Friday: Alternate Occupations

This Facebook Friday is dedicated to Career Choice.  I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with my kiddos.  I don't take it for granted that I get to do what I love to do and be with my children every single day.  And night.  And while I'm trying to go to the bathroom.  And while I'm on the phone.  And while I'm trying to eat dinner.

However, sometimes I fantasize think about what I would do if I wasn't staying at home with the munchkins.  Thank the good Lord that I have all these facebook statuses that give me a few suggestions.  Here are some of my facebook statuses that highlight how I am clearly qualified to do many different things.


Something about the care and precision it requires to be the designated Capri Sun Opener makes me feel like a phlebotomist.

Professional Talk Show Audience Member.

I hoped with every step inside Walmart that Oprah would show up and buy me the diapers ... except when I was in the checkout line, and then I hoped she would buy me the diapers and a Snickers bar.

This is not me.  But can you imagine how quickly my
kids would listen to me if it was?  "Eve, clean your
room."  Stuff would get done, y'all.

After tonight's episode of American Idol, I firmly believe my life would be cooler with pyrotechnics and a fog machine.

Music teacher.

7 year old Eve sang (with perfect intonation) the third, fifth, seventh, and octave above the sound of our neighbors leaf blower.  I think I teared up in pride.

Olympian.  Obviously.

Totally just medaled in the Awesome Olympics for making vegan shortbread cookies.  That's right, vegan shortbread cookies.  Best. Mom. Ever.

Criminal.  Like arresting the Easter Bunny.

If you ever want to know what it feels like to be treated like a criminal, just try returning something to Meijer without a receipt.  I almost offered to take a polygraph test.  Sheesh.


Got out the Merck's Manual and looked under "Causes of heart attacks" for "Hey, Mom!  Watch me do a somersault down this fifteen foot high twisty slide" and it wasn't listed.  I'm thinking of writing the publisher ...


My conversation at the grocery store.
"Ohhhhh, strawberries."
"No, they aren't in season.  We aren't paying $3.49 for a pound of strawberries."
"But they look so goooooooood."
"I know.  They've probably been grown somewhere warm and shipped a million miles to look that good."
"And they smell so good.  Please can we get them?"
"No.  That's enough.  Let's go."
Did I mention I was by myself?

Business Acumen = I have it.  Have a great weekend - see y'all Monday!

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