Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Triathalivin' - Part Two

What am I smiling about?  I'm probably terrified
about the hill five yards away, and trying to distract
myself with thoughts of Technotronic.  
After obsessively planning every single part of this triathlon, something unexpected happened.  No, my planned super delicious and healthy pre-race Egg McMuffin went down without a hitch, and stayed there, so it wasn't my nutrition that went awry. (Fuel for Triathletes = I'm doing it right.) Everything went smoothly in the swim to bike transition (mostly my helmet wasn't put on backwards) so I was okay there as well.  I even managed to get up the GIANT HILL that started the bike course without looking too much like I was going to fall over.

It was once I turned onto the main road, checked out Sarah's fancy-schmancy bike computer for my speed (and felt like a BOSS because I was FLYING)(But then realized I was looking at the wrong number and got slightly humbled because I was just doing okay), and took a sip of water from my* water bottle that it happened.
*It was actually Sarah's water bottle that I was borrowing because mine didn't fit in the water bottle holder so I was being ghetto and just using an Absopure water and Sarah was all, "I have a smaller one that fits."  Hence, I was using hers.  This is actually significant, so thank you for persevering through this drivel.

When I went to place the water bottle back into the holder I dropped it.  I probably also said a curse word that rhymes with "zit".  This was mile two of an eleven mile bike course.  I also had a 5K to run after the bike.  Because I'm such a hardcore athlete, of course I left it there and kept going.  But that meant reworking my plan around not having any hydration for a while.

The ride along the main road was uneventful after the water bottle was sacrificed to the pavement.  I was totally thirsty right away because my mind is my number one frenemy.  I kept pace with a 36 year old Marine, who probably had Another Bad Creation's Iesha in his head also, and that's why we stayed so perfectly in sync.

The turn on to Old Country Road brought a new surprise.  It smelled vaguely "poo-ish".  To a city girl like me it seemed like cow poop.  Turns out it totally was cow poop.  And a lot of it.  Unknowingly, it was also a steady three mile incline.  I watched my speed drop all the way down to 13.8 mph and freaked the heck out, thinking I had burned myself out halfway through the bike and had nothing left for the rest of the tri.  At the turn-around I got some water (while riding my bike, which felt amazingly rock star-like when I didn't fall off or spill too much) and started back.  I noticed I was getting faster and faster on the way back.  My speed topped out a 26 mph, and that's when I figured out I had been climbing on the way out, and was descending on the way back.  I'm pretty observant about stuff like that.

This 26 mph stretch was the most fun ever.  This is where I probably "wooted" and yelled, "I'm in a triathlon!" to anyone listening.  I also spent this time photo bombing as many cameras as possible. Sometimes I would raise my arm in a fist pump and open my mouth wide a la "WHAAAAAA" (like I'm in KISS).  Things settled down dramatically once I left Old Country Road and got reacquainted with the main road.

THIS FACE?  Is awesome.  The hill is much bigger in real life.
The main thing I did on miles 7-11 was obsess about the hill I climbed up when the bike portion started.  That hill would now be a descent (thank God) and was now at the very end of the bike, so the worst thing that could happen was that I would slip and skid down the entire hill on my arm/face/shin/back in front of all the spectators, marring Sarah's bike and being the worst kind of photobomb (i.e. the unfunny one).  So in miles 8-11 I wrote and practiced the Oscar worthy speech I would give when this happened and they tried to take me out of the race.

"Please, I've been training all my life for this moment for months and it's just a little blood.  And a few broken bones. But they are in my arms, so I can still run.  Please, I beg of you, don't steal my dream.  I'm so close.  Let me finish."

That's kind of a condensed version of my monologue, but I assure you, it was convincing.

Then I totally didn't wipe out on the hill, but at least I was prepared.

Flyin' ... solo
Bike to run transition (T2, which sadly has nothing to do with the movie) was a bit slow as I took a second to look for some water (and found none)(but I did munch on the pre-unwrapped piece of gum that I always chew when I run)(it was a fresh piece I thoughtfully placed in transition)(I didn't mean that I always chew the same piece of gum) and put on my running watch so I could keep track of my splits.  (Haha, this is a joke because I don't know how that function works so I just use it as a fancy watch to give me some idea of my ballpark time.)

The run was through some pretty neighborhoods, and the people who love triathletes left their sprinklers on facing the road so we could occasionally cool off.  I walked for about ten seconds at each water station, and the run was pretty fantastic.  Shady.  (Like, there was lots of shade from trees.)(Not like it was suspicious.)  Sarah, who had already finished, came back and ran about 600 yards with me.  It made it seem like I had my own personal pacer, which really indulged my Western States 100 fantasy, and also encouraged me to move it a little more.

Sarah dropped off as I neared the finish.  I began to sprint, causing several spectators to call out, "Big Finish!" and I probably raised my arms and screamed a "WOOOOOO!" when I crossed the finish line.  It totally wasn't obnoxious or over the top at all.

My goal all along was to finish in under two hours, with a smile on my face.  My official chip finish was 1:30:39.  BOO-YA.  I beat my goal by a half an hour, and I PR'd my 5K time.

The numbers:
Official Bike time? 40:59, avg. 16.1 mph
Official T2 time?     1:20
Official Run time?   31:18, avg. pace 10:06
Official Chip time?  1:30:39 with a smile 

Lauren and I at the finish
Sarah and I at the finish

  I am awesome at layout.
Entering these two pictures took a little less than half my will to live.  Here is me with my super supportive friends.  Where are the pictures with my husband and kiddos? I'm such a great wife/mother I don't have any

I will end this post the way all good things should end.  Sweetly.  Literally.
This is my reward for completing the triathlon.  And chill out, I don't usually reward myself with food, but this is a snickerdoodle cupcake.  So yeah, exception made.


  1. I think I am developing an unnatural love for you. ;) This story was AWESOME!! I laughed my way though the whole thing, and I was very happy for you, too. :) And then...there was the snickerdoodle cupcake. That could be the most awesome idea for a cupcake EVER!!!

    Congratulations on an amazing accomplishment, Kelly! You deserve that cupcake and LOTS of accolades. I can't even tell you how impressed I am. You rock!!!!

    1. Thanks, Steph! I had And I think I might have to continue in triathlon simply to eat more of those cupcakes ;-)


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