Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, July 21, 2014


"How did she master the over the shoulder
pose at such a young age?"
Don't question genius, y'all.
Kelly@Sublurban Mama, class of '97
If you look up a little you may notice a new tab on my blog. For those of you that haven't been around for the whole ride, you may wonder "Who the heck is Kemper?" every time you read a post. Well, click on that tab and there is your answer. (Or, just click here.) I've included lots of pictures that I stole re-purposed from Kemper's personal Facebook account*, so there will finally be a face to put with the name for all you visual people out there.

*I guess I'd never truly Facebook-stalked Kemper before. I know, I'm a bit disappointed in me, too. I spent about an hour this weekend going through Kemper's photos to find some to use for this post and ohmylanta, what an education. Since he is 22 precious years old, high school was literally less than five years ago. People mature a lot** in that time, and Kemper is no exception.

(**For your viewing pleasure, and since this is a throw-away post that's really about another real post I'm sharing, here are some lovely high school pics of yours truly. Please, take a moment to enjoy the 90's in all their none- of-us-had-cell-phones-but-we-did-have-pagers glory.


Kristen, Corrie Beth, and me. And we are totally just posing like this, not dancing (this was way before teenage girls danced like they are starring in porn)
Homecoming circa 95(?)
If only I could find an outfit that summarized the 90's ... pffft, I'd probably need to find white denim overalls and then cut them off. Sibling love, y'all. Dressing alike, it's not just for toddlers.

This picture is really an accusation. All my friends and family = DOES NO ONE LOVE ME?!?! You all let me keep that haircut for YEARS. Also, holy weight gain, batman.
(Please note the dog tag necklace and gaged earrings as I was trying to stretch my ears)(Because I was sooooooooooo hardcore.)

There you have it, folks. For this week I'm working on another new tab with all the info about what I've changed in my diet and exercise since I wrote the "How to Lose 100 Pounds" tab, and a few other posts about assorted general awesomeness (totally a word). My friend Rachel Who Looks Like Meg Ryan is coming to the gym with me tonight which means two things: one, I'll have a bench press spotter!!!! and two, two hot mama's will be getting STRONGER tonight. Hoorah.

Happy Monday!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Don't cry for me, Argentina - The Bootkemp Sessions - July

I don't want to get too braggy, but since this *is* my
blog, I just wanted to let you know I was quite the
soccer player back in the day. Like, way back. When
I was five years old and played on an all male team
because they mistakenly thought "Kelly" was a boy's
 name. I never officially touched the ball, but I could
stand still inside the two foot diameter circle the
coach put me in and "play defense" like nobodies
Do you know how I know I'm finally getting really comfortable with Kemper? I was at his house for almost a full five minutes before I had to use the bathroom. I'm pretty sure that's a new record and an indication of beautiful days ahead.

I think stopping at McDonalds twice to pee on the way over helped I was distracted by my excitement to give Kemper the sympathy card I picked out; my poor Argentinian trainer was understandably crushed after Sunday's World Cup Final, and so, with the help of Hallmark and Google translate, I was able to convey my condolences with hearts, flowers, and the phrase "Alemania chupa*" (Germany sucks) all in one missive.

*Since my Spanish is limited to what I've forgotten from two years of high school instruction (don't worry, I've held on to the important words)(like, "tu mama es facil"), I had to spend a fair amount of time picking the perfect phrase to write in the card, and then translate it. I mean, these words would be the only personalized way I could communicate my heartfelt sympathy. Unfortunately, correctly translating grand verbose sentiments takes a hella long time, so I settled for the summation of: Germany sucks. (Hilariously, the first time I tried to translate, it gave me "Alemania inhala" which translates directly to "Germany inhales", so yeah, I'm pretty glad I'm a diligent fact checker**.)

(**Not a universally true statement.)

Kemper received this card with a gracious heart, and totally didn't drop it on the floor and give me an "Oh, COME ON" look. I giggled wildly and bounced on my toes in delight, much the way my children do when they've pulled one over on me.

Once the shenanigans were over we took a few minutes to talk. Kemper checked over my food diary and macro breakdowns for each day. I eat way more fat than I thought, but as long as I'm still losing (143!!!) he is fine with me sticking with it. (I swear it's all healthy fats - eggs, avocado, double cheeseburgers, nut butter, etc.) I still have problems eating ALLTHEPROTEIN but relearning to eat is a process, so, you know, someday. We also discussed things like short-term/long-term goals and came to the conclusion that I still have no concrete idea of what I would ultimately like to do. (Good luck coming up with a training program for that, Kemp.)

Dear Internet,
Thank you for this.
Love, Kelly
The real fun began with DEADLIFTING. (Well, first I had to warm-up with jogging in place and butt kickers and other things because Kemper is a slave-driver professional trainer who cares about my health.) We did a few warm-up deadlift sets, and then moved on to my current weights. I did 1 set of 5 reps (1x5) @ 135, 2x5 @ 145, and 2x5 @ 155. Kemper tucked my chin down a little (Apparently Miss Vanity Smurf watching herself deadlift in the mirror does not help her form). My biggest problem right now with lifting for strength is waiting between each set. Kemper wants me to wait 2-3 minutes between each set to give my muscles time to chill out. Do you have any idea how long 2-3 minutes is when you are waiting to do the thing you love to do?




Thankfully Kemper didn't suffer too much during this time because I kept up a steady stream of stellar monologue conversation because I can fill some silence if given the opportunity. I definitely didn't whine about how long 2-3 minutes are. Like, ever*. (*lie) Kemper used this time to try to sell me on music that wasn't made in the 90's. It's going to be a tough sale, dude.

After deadlift it was time for barbell rows. Powerlifter Tracy taught me how to do them a few weeks ago, and Kemper approved of her prescribed form. He wants me to change up where I'm rowing (either to boobs or to bellybutton) every other time I lift to work all the parts of my lats. I did 1x5 @ 75, and 2x5 @ 85.  85 pounds was a lot heavier at Kemper's house than at Lifetime Fitness. My working theory about this is that probably because at Lifetime I lift on the second floor, and the second floor is much closer to outer space, and in outer space there is no gravity, and, you know, because of osmosis, obviously, weights are lighter at Lifetime Fitness than at Kemper's housescience. My other working theory is that Kemper yelling urgently encouraging me to, "SQUEEZE" my lats together every time I rowed may have worked me harder than I was used to. I don't know. They are both working theories. You decide.

We moved on to the lat pulldown. This was probably one of my favorite moments of the whole session. Firstly, because Kemper busted me for cheating my lat pulldown, and I have been doing it that way forever without knowing I was cheating, and now it's been corrected; secondly - totally a word - lat pulldown exposed my lack of power which could be my next training goal; and thirdly, because Kemper ghetto-rigged the whole setup which was all sorts of encouraging to me.

I sometimes get stuck in the mind frame that everything has to be perfect in order to accomplish anything. If I'm going to run distance, I need *this* specific water belt, *these* specific shoes, and follow *that* exact route or I can't do it. If I'm going to do Thursdays HIIT workout and someone is using all the slam balls, I can't say I really did it when I subbed box jumps for ball slams. Like, in my head, there is a right way and a wrong way to do something, and doing it the wrong way doesn't count. (I know. If only Kemper offered therapy for my brain as well as for my body.)

Ohmygawd, Kemper, calm down.
I think you need a Snickers.
You're not you when you're hungry.
(Snickers = PROTEIN.)
Kemper trains in his garage. His gym is an awesome set-up. While he doesn't have everything Lifetime has, he makes it happen anyway. Kemper doesn't have a lat pulldown machine. Instead he hooked up a lat pulldown bar to his squat rack and a pulley contraption, and then belted me to a stool with a resistance band. (This part was hilarious. I was honestly too horrified at seeing the band cut through the fat rolls on my stomach to say what I was really thinking, which was, "Kemper just belted me in like I'm a toddler going on a car ride," which of course made me want to ask, "Are we there yet, Dad?" a million times.)

The takeaway is that it is better to get your crap done using some ghetto rigged mechanism than it is to not get it done because you couldn't do it the way your Type A brain thought it should be done. (And just maybe some dude named Voltaire said it better when he said, "Perfect is the enemy of good.")(To-may-to / to-mah-to, whatevs.) I freaking loved this lesson, and my perfectionist heart needed to learn it.

Next TRX band rows kicked my tush. They were harder for me than deadlifting. (Also, I've come to the conclusion that a lifetime spent being overweight has solidified that I will always, regardless of current size, worry that something won't support my weight. Before I would lean back to do the rows I subtly* glanced up to read the weight restrictions on the bands - 200 pounds - and even then I wondered if 57 pounds was enough of a cushion to get by without crashing to the floor.) (*subtly = lie. I announced that whole train of thought so Kemper could also enjoy the crazy. Because I'm a giver.) We superset TRX band rows with bicep curls and for all you meatheads out there - I got swole. *giggle*

We ended the workout with back extensions and me showing off that I can do real push ups now. (Coincidentally, this is when Kemper's Super Fine Brother Oscar made a brief appearance.)(Ladies, I will forward all your emails directly to him.)(But I will probably read them first.)(Because I'm nosy.)(But I'm a good secret keeper.)(And I'm loyal.)(So you totally don't have to worry about me being all up in your "workin' your game" business with Oscar.)(You're welcome.)

Kemper worked his voodoo magic on my hurt trap. Also, he discovered that it is not really my trap. It's some muscle in my neck. He did some manipulations and some other things that he took great care to explain but because he spoke it in his Science/Anatomy Trainer Language and I'm a visual learner I will never remember it until I see it written down. But I did pretend to do a cannonball belly flop (in my head) when he told me to lie down on the yoga mat because it looked just like the waters in the Caribbean, so rest assured there was something of importance going on inside my head during this time.

(Then Kemper's mom Renee came out and offered me some freshly made juice.)(And Renee appreciated my sympathy card.)(She's currently my favorite.)

Every time I meet with Kemper I AM SO EXCITED TO BE TRAINED BY KEMPER. This is followed by a crash the next day when I realize I now have a WHOLE 'NOTHER MONTH before I can train with Kemper. It's kind of like the day after Christmas when you are a kid. You know, when you now have 364 days until Christmas.

So. 29 more days until I train with Kemper. Look out for some GAINZ until then, y'all.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Five Things I'm So *Totes* Crushin' On

1. Youtube Fitness Vloggers - Omar Isuf and Chelsea Karabin

Omar's shirts
My allegiance to Elliott Hulse is still strong; however, he's starting to jump the shark a bit for me with his Lean Hybrid Muscle email bombardments. I mean, I know we both equally want for me to come and train at Strength Camp, but he's gotta lay off trying to sell me crap via email, you know?

Chelsea's shirts
Lately I've been binge-watching everything by Chelsea Karabin and Omar Isuf. Chelsea is strong and feminine, and she's everything I want to be when I grow up. It's really been helpful to watch someone live out counting her macros, even if they are really different than mine. Plus her home gym sometimes has twinkle lights, so there's that.

Omar is just freaking adorable, but he's also funny and smart (which honestly seems a bit overkill). I've learned a lot from his videos about training, form, and how to be a bro gym etiquette. Both Chelsea and Omar have apparel lines and I've bookmarked several things from each of their shops for when I don't have four kids and can experience disposable income again.

"I could train the mess outta Kelly. I'd probably be boyz with Kemper, too. Also, don't hate me 'cuz I have no calves."

2. Foam Rolling

Be still my heart - I have finally been seduced by the magic of the foam roll. As a runner I attempted to roll my IT band and it hurt so much I just quit. While it's still hella painful, I have noticed a huge difference in my glutes, hamstrings, and ... calves (who knew?) from when foam rolling and I started goin' out a month ago. I recently began foam rolling my lats and have been using a tennis ball for my left trapezius*.

*Remember my trap injury last fall (from my crutches)(the crutches that I had to use for my broken bone spur)(the broken bone spur that derailed my half marathon dreams and helped me gain 15 pounds)(the 15 pounds that ultimately led me to Kemper)(which was actually one of the best things to happen in my fitness life). Well, that trap injury has reared it's ugly head again. I'm hoping the next time I meet with Kemper he can use the same voodoo magic he used on my hip flexor to help my trap, but until then I've been doing everything I know to keep it from completely seizing up again including, but not limited to, a lot of drugs.

3. New Playlist 

Probably one of my favorite Kanye tweets of all time.
I think it's the "uuuuugh" at the end that seals it for me.
Apparently my master plan to mess with Kemper's head as much as possible continues because I've gotten sick to death of Rage Against the Machine and have moved on this week to some new music that I will play ad nauseam and then swear off for a year. Current lifting list includes (I didn't watch these links so they might be NSFW - heads up) P.O.D., Downset, White Stripes, Awolnation, BoySetsFire, and of course, Kanye. I'm running to Cage the Elephant, Weezer, and Harvey Danger. (Not to get too braggy, but once I invited myself on Harvey Danger's tour bus and scored both a pre-show interview and a photo pass for the show. Because I don't respect boundaries. BAM!)

4. Iced Coffee and fresh Peaches

Or, go to McDonalds. Or, even better, call Sister
Wife Rachel
and she will come over with her
home made cold brew iced coffee that will blow your
freaking mind and you will thank Jesus that she is your
Sister Wife.
This summer I am single-handedly keeping McDonalds in business with purchases of sugar free French vanilla iced coffee. OH.MY.WORD is that stuff amazing. (And please shut up about the laboratory of ingredients I'm dumping in my body with each gulp delicate lady sip.) Right now I am drinking them as a pre-workout before my big lifting days because that makes it seem healthier to me only.

Also, peaches. I don't eat a lot of fruit but again, after big lifting days or HIIT workouts from hell, I have been enjoying the mess out of peaches. I keep a stash of napkins in my car (usually from McDonalds, natch) strictly to catch the peach juice that dribbles down my chin as I inhale that fruit on the way home from the gym.

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE summer?!

5. This picture comparison

25 years old, 253 pounds

35 years old, 145 pounds

There is so much about these pictures that I love. In the top picture is a woman who loves her kiddos. She reads them lots of stories and does puzzles and plays tea party with them. She likes to laugh, she likes to dream, and she wants a full life. But she's also hiding. She hides behind a child in almost every picture taken. She would never, ever be photographed with food or, heaven forbid, in any kind of form fitting clothing. 

The woman in the bottom picture just got done with a squat session at the gym. She squatted heavier than she thought possible, and is celebrating with a delicious dinner of brown rice, black bean burger crumbles, and lots of salsa. Her arm is still bruised from lifting a tire two weeks ago with Kemper (which she still maintains was crazy fun). She is sunburned from walking with her kids a half mile to the splash park where she wore her bathing suit in public so she could join in the playtime. She stacked the firewood in the background with her three year old son "for fun". She is distracted by her neighbors dog who just went FREAKING INSANE, and then laughing because life is crazy and wonderful.

Life is crazy and wonderful, everybody. Have a marvelous Friday and enjoy the mess out of your weekend!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Dorian thinks I can't read - my top 3 favorite moments during Week Two

I just have trouble with, you know, reading.

Just in case you were feeling like you could never hope to attain my admittedly stellar social skills, I am here to assure you it is much easier than it seems.

Example: being memorable to new people. This is how you do it.

Trainer at Lifetime: Hey. I've seen you around. What's your name?
Kelly: I'm Kelly.
*trainer sticks out his hand to shake mine* *I immediately start to worry about my palm sweat* *but remember I should be polite and continue with my part of this introduction* *but am too preoccupied with worry over palm sweat as I shake his hand and gaze at his name tag to make any sense of the letters there*
Kelly: And what's your name?
Trainer: *sees me looking at his name tag as I ask* *looks down in confusion at the tag* Uh, I'm Dorian. I didn't know if my name tag was upside down or something.
Kelly: No, it's fine. I guess I just have trouble with, you know, reading.
Dorian: *thinks I'm serious* *has now cataloged me as "The Girl Who Can't Read* *awkward tension ensues as I wonder how much more awkward it would be if I stammered out, "No. I can totally read. I was just worried about my sweaty palms and couldn't focus on the letters in your name."* *wisely decide I'd rather be "The Girl Who Can't Read" than "The SWEATY PALMS Girl" and stay quiet*

Nailed it again.

Week two of my new strength training plan has been hella fun. It's almost better than the first week because now I know what to expect. I've seen gains on both my bench and my deadlift, and survived a last minute trip to Chicago without my workouts suffering. It took some slight rearranging, but with Friday as a holiday and Brian home from work it really freed up time for me to fit it all in.

Here are my favorite moments in Week Two.

1. Partying with the Sara(h)'s

On Wednesday I deadlifted with new Sara. (This is Sara with no "H".) She is one of my powerlifting buddies. It is really great to lift with someone so much stronger than me because it changes my perspective about my own weights. Instead of going into my heaviest lift thinking, "Dude, this is going to be so freaking heavy," I can see it's nothing in comparison to what Sara is lifting, and that somehow makes it seem lighter to me. Lifting with Sara also gives me confidence that with proper training I can lift HEAVY someday. (Like, for real, this girl was throwing on 45's like nothing.)

On Friday I met Sarah (Ironman Sarah with an "H") to teach her how to deadlift. It was my squat day, so as soon as I finished squatting we started going over deadlift form. I channeled my inner Kemper and basically tried to recall everything I've ever heard/read/seen/been taught about deadlifting. I *think* Sarah enjoyed it; I know I loved hanging out with her because it's been a hot minute since that has happened. (She is nursing a foot injury that has drastically reduced her training, and has even taken her out of this year's planned Ironman in Canada.)(Of course she is making due with only a half Ironman a little while later.)(What.a.slacker.)

2. Making time for Chi-Town

back row: Stan, Brian, me, Steve, Natalia, Cassie
front row: Gary, Peggy
My baby brother used to live in Chicago, but moved to San Francisco a few months ago to pursue his tech dream. He just finished up the 12 week program at App Academy, and decided to make a brief visit home to Chicago to visit his lovely fiancee Natalia. All his Michigan family decided to make the drive (about 5 hours with pee breaks) for a pool party at Natalia's parents' house on Saturday.

I was a little concerned about fitting in all my workouts, but Friday is normally a rest day, so I did Saturday's squatting on Friday, and then got up super early Saturday to get in my Sunday workout before the drive to Chicago. It was so nice not to have to worry about getting anything done once we were home on Sunday. I could just take the day nice and easy as a rest day. (We also celebrated Ezra's fourth birthday. My BABY is four! Where does the time go?)

This kid is awesome. Probably gets it from his mom.

3. AB DAY!!!!!

This guy's hair turned all sorts of emo on the way up.
I use a weight plate, not a ball.
Because it's got handles I'm TOUGH.
If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know about my love/hate relationship with Ab Lab. Ab Lab was my favorite form of torture at my old gym; a twenty minute class of non-stop abdominal work that left me begging for mercy. Lifetime has a Core 30 class that is similar, but the timing isn't ideal for my schedule. Kemper's training plan has a whole day dedicated to abdominal work and I FREAKING LOVE IT. My favorite exercise by far is the weighted decline sit ups. This is where I am on a declined weight bench (so it's almost like I am upside down)(the stretch in my back feels amazing) with a 25# plate. As I sit up I reach the plate overhead and then lower my body back down over a count of four. I could do these forever. And by forever I mean I do 4 sets of 10 and self talk encouragement during the last set.

Captain's Chair
Dorian Who Thinks I Can't Read
showed me where to do this. Along
with being illiterate, I'm apparently
blind and couldn't find this contraption
even after 3 laps around Lifetime. 
I also superset the Captain's Chair with 1 minute planks, and do ab pulldowns*.

*Story for free: Kemper had me youtube some of these exercises since he somewhat trains me from a distance because I only see him once a month. The ab pulldown video looked totally easy, and I was all, "Pshaw. I got that." When I went to execute my new found knowledge of the ab pulldown, I totally didn't factor in the physics of counterweights and crashed right on my forehead before I even did one rep. So what I'm saying is that with enough clumsiness, ab pulldown works your abs and your pride. 

Keepin' it graceful, y'all.

Here are the stats:

Week Two

Bench press:
2 warm-up sets (1x8 @ bar, 1x6 @ 60#)
1x5 @ 75#
3x5 @ 80#
1x4* @ 85#
*this is the set I totally biffed my last rep and had to get rescued. But I upped my weight so, yeah, happy girl.

2 warm-up sets (1x8 @ 65#, 1x6 @ 95#)
1x5 @ 125#
3x5 @ 135#
1x5 @ 145#*
*This is the set I did with Sara. I did not expect to up my weight because last week was so hard, but I felt like I could have gone 10 more pounds at the end.

2 warm-up sets (1x10 @ bar, 1x6 @ 95#)
1x5 @ 125
3x5 @ 130
1x5 @ 135*
*this set was hard, I'm not gonna lie.

This week I also saw my weights for barbell row, leg press, and hamstring curl go up. I'm feeling strong and also operating on a calorie deficit. BOOM.

Have I mentioned how much I like this strength training program? Because I totally do. 

Happy Wednesday, y'all!

Monday, July 7, 2014

The time I threw up Redneck all over my blog

I hope everyone had a fun safe Fourth of July filled with FREEDOM and bald eagle sightings. My holiday Facebook feed was filled in equal measures with pictures of pyromaniac celebrations and of animals quaking in their thundershirts (accompanied by pet-owner rants of the evils of personal firework displays). The Sublurban Mama household mirrored the conflicting views found on Facebook with the Matriarch of the homestead having an affinity for keeping all the digits God gave her and her offspring, and the Patriarch believing that the slight possibility of dismemberment is worth the rapturous joy of blowing crap up.

Below is actual real life footage of the festivities that took place at our home this past weekend. Neighbor Don was innocently trying to capture the cute little display he had going on in his driveway when, four seconds in, you can hear him remark, "They have four," and Brian's show begins. So really, we videobombed their home videos. (Haha. We literally bombed them.)(And almost our minivan.) Here is 17 seconds of the longest night of my life other than labor.


(Brian's response to this post: "Kel, you know the only reason I put on that show was so you would have something to blog about, right?" Totally, honey. I could tell it was a huuuuuuge sacrifice.)

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Learning the ropes - literally. My top 3 favorite moments during Week One.

(You might be a child of the '80s if you
 heard that in Pee-Wee's voice.)

I love the new training plan Kemper gave me. Like, "why don't you marry it?" a la Pee-Wee Hermann love it. There is something so incredibly freeing about going to the gym and not having to think about what I have to do. Every single time I start to worry that I'm not doing enough I'm all, "Self, Kemper is the boss of this rodeo. You just need to pony up and follow the plan, Cowgirl." (Yep. It's that fun inside my head all the time.)(Don't get too jealous.)

This doesn't mean I was completely on board with the schedule the first time I saw it. I'm pretty sure I wanted to throw up when I read through the email detailing all the new exercises and the weights Kemper wanted me to train with. In fact, I may have sent him a message asking him to clarify what he meant by the set and rep counts. Surely five sets of five reps at such heavy weights was a typo? He clearly meant I was to do five sets of one rep each because otherwise that would be cuh-razy.

Well, apparently Kemper is crazy. He confirmed that yes, he meant five sets of five reps. But while he is crazy, he is also right. And he knows more than me. And has better hair. And is probably a better cook but we are not even going there.

I was so nervous about the first day of this schedule that I lay* awake in bed the night before going over the math for the weight plates again and again. Because Type A. I also visualized doing the entire workout so I could memorize it and not have to carry some dorky sheet of paper around the gym with me like a note from my mo-om. Make fun of me all you want because *I* looked like I knew what I was doing (except when I failed my last bench rep and didn't have a spotter and the dude next to me jumped over super fast and rescued me by hopping in to spot me so I didn't have to totally biff and do the Scoot of Shame out from under the bar.)(Props to that guy.)(And props to you for enduring that run-on sentence.)

Here are a few of my favorite moments from Week One.

1. Learning how to wait for a weight bench

It took a bit of observation, but I'm starting to get a grasp on how boys hover but don't look like they're hovering when they want next up. This was a particularly important skill to master on Monday when everybody and their brother was bench pressing and I had no freaking clue how to "get in line" when there was no line. (If Moms Ran The Gym #6: Fellas - ever been to the deli? Or the fabric cutting counter at JoAnne's? They both have an excellent and proven "Take a Number" system. Just a thought.)

You can work in with me and my feathered locks.
I solved this dilemma by catching the first eye I could and asking how many sets he had left. This nice young man was all, "You can work in with me," so I didn't have to wait at all. (Another bonus? The nice young man is the guy I've seen around the gym and nicknamed "Kevin Federline" in my head because he looks just like long-haired Kevin. And since I had already given him a nickname in my head it was like we'd been boyz forever.)(However, the next time I tried this "waiting for a bench" trick the guy was all, "One more set," so I had to wait a minute or two. And that's how I found myself without a spotter and failed my last rep almost died bench pressing, so yeah, I'm more a fan of the former situation.

2. Making new friends

There is this woman at the gym who literally intimidates the pants off me (if she literally intimidated the pants off me I think I would find myself escorted off private property for indecent exposure yet again). She is this little sprite of a woman but built like a brickhouse - yes - that kind of brickhouse. This woman is all muscles and BRF and that combination for me = awe and fear. I found myself deadlifting next to her on the first DL day of the new schedule. She reached over to help me get a weight off the end of the barbell (Lifetime just got all new racks and weights to handle the Olympic lifters)(which is rad)(but they stick a little)(the bumper weights, not the Olympic lifters) so I took advantage of the opening to make a friend.

Her name is Tracy and she is a competitive powerlifter. She helped me with my form on barbell rows, and has been all sorts of encouraging since then. I also made a new friend (another competitive powerlifter!) named Sara and we deadlifted together last night. (She used my max weight as a warm-up.)(So awesome.) I feel so welcomed! The weight lifting community reminds me of both the running and triathlon communities. (For all those scared of trying athletic things because you are so out of shape - just do it. The people who love these things want you to love them too, and will generally go out of their way to help you get started.)


Totally me after Battle Ropes.
I suck at High Intensity Interval Training. My biggest weakness as an athlete (I just snorted when I wrote "athlete") is that I'm lazy. I do well with endurance sports because you have to pace your efforts. That translates into an easier pace for a longer time. I do well with weight training (even heavy weight training) because it means tiny bursts of harder moments with a lot of rest time. But HIIT training? HIIT training is filled with seemingly endless portions of time that are the worst thing in the world. Most HIIT training goes poorly for me because I don't go balls-out for the whole time. I start slowing down, even when I know I only have ten more seconds. I quit in my heart and in my body. That's why I do most of my HIIT training on the treadmill; I'm forced to keep the pace.

Kemper gave me a cardio circuit that included Battle Ropes. These are so good for me because if you slow down errrrrbody can tell because your ropes stop moving. They also make your heart rate skyrocket, so yeah, it's completely effective all the way around. I would recommend them to anyone with a limited time to live because Battle Ropes make 20 seconds seem like a decade.

I *know* y'all. But accountability and all that.
I owe you one.

So to recap week one, and because this is a strength program and some of y'all care about this kind of thing, here are my numbers. I'll post them every week so we can see if there is progress.

Week One

Bench press:
2 warm-up sets (1x8 @ bar, 1x6 @ 60#)
1x5 @ 70#
3x5 @ 75#
1x5 @ 80#

2 warm-up sets (1x8 @ 65#, 1x6 @ 95#)
1x5 @ 125#
3x5 @ 135#
1x5 @ 140#

2 warm-up sets (1x10 @ bar, 1x6 @ 95#)
3x5 @ 125*
1x5 @ 130
1x5 @ 135

*This is not what Kemper told me to do. But after my first set of 125# I couldn't even imagine next hitting 3 sets of 135 like he directed. So I went my own way, and guess what? I'm totally pissed at myself because I know I could have done it. Lesson learned noted.

Spoiler Alert: I've started Week Two and have already seen strength gains in both my bench and deadlift. It's working, y'all! Huzzah!

*Lay vs. Lie - because grammar is a jerk, did you know, to further confuse this issue, that lay is the past tense form of lie. WTHeck, Grammar?

Monday, June 30, 2014

"TiK ToK, on the clock. But the party don't stop, no. Whoa-oh oh oh" - Kesha Rose Sebert

*Knock Knock*

Kelly: Who's there?

D2: Heeeey! It's Day Two Of Your Period! I'm here to TEAR. CRAP. UP. and PARTY!

Kelly: Day Two? Didn't we just hang out?

D2: Naw, son. That was probably my cousin PMS. People tell us we could be twins.

Kelly: Awesome. And it looks like you've brought a friend. Who is this?

D2: This is Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness From Your Squat Workout! He'll be hanging around for the next day or so.

Kelly: Wow. Together you guys kind of remind me of  ... hmmm, I can't quite put my finger on it ...

D2: Back Labor?

Kelly: YES! Together you remind me exactly of Back Labor! I haven't hung out with Back Labor in over 11 years and I totally haven't missed her at all.

D2: Me and DOMS are just going to come in and have a ball here for awhile. I called Bumpy Cake Ice Cream. He'll be here in about fifteen minutes.

Kelly: Just in time for me to hook up with Yoga Pants and Twilight On DVD. This is going to be such a wild party.

D2: Totally. I call dibs on the heating pad!

If there was ever a moment I knew the Internet would never let me down, this is it. Because Friends, *that* is a Uterus* Pinata.
*Story for Free because Day Two is visiting and I have poor decision making abilities as of this moment* I have a picture of my own uterus. Like, an actual photograph. This is because I've had four c-sections and am a control freak really wanted to be involved in every aspect of my childbirth experience so when I had an emergency c-section the first time around I asked Brian to take pictures of everything. Including my uterus. It is lovely, thank you. (I'm still a bit pissed he didn't take a picture of my Fallopian tube when he got the chance during Ezra's delivery.)(But that's another story for free for another day.)
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