Case of the Mondays: Dutch Oven *THIS*, Dude.

Sometimes I have to remind Brian that I am quite the catch.  This is one of the ways I affirm that sentiment.

Deborah Burns accused of stabbing boyfriend who 'farted in her face'

Southwest Fla. woman faces charge of aggravated battery with deadly weapon

UPDATED 11:54 AM EDT May 14, 2013

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Deborah Burns faces a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

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IMMOKALEE, Fla. —A southwest Florida woman is accused of stabbing her boyfriend after he "farted in her face," the Collier County Sheriff's Office said.

Deborah Burns, 37, said she was watching television with her boyfriend, Willie Butler, at their Immokalee home last week when Butler "walked by her and farted in her face," according to the arrest report.

MUGSHOTS: Have You Seen Death Row's Female Faces?

When Burns confronted Butler about the fart, he became agitated and told her to shut up, the report added.

A confrontation ensued, and Butler chased Burns into the kitchen, where he picked up a knife and threw it at her, but he missed, the report stated. Burns then picked up the knife and threw it at him as he ran outside, striking him in the stomach, the report said.

Burns,whose occupation was listed as an unemployed prostitute on the Collier County Sheriff's Office booking blotter, was arrested on a charge of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. She was being held at the county jail on $50,000 bond.

Read more: http://www.wpbf.com/deborah-burns-accused-of-stabbing-boyfriend-who-farted-in-her-face/-/8789538/20139764/-/xncm5xz/-/index.html#ixzz2TlnksMk3

Everyone has their limit.

Hangovers and Races and Needing To Breathe

Lesson of the day:  The best way to handle those who are not naturally morning people is to treat them as if they are hungover.  Even if they are not.  Because they kind of are - they are still working off the effects of the previous evening.  So while you might think it's quite natural to be boisterous and loud as heck upbeat and cheerful first thing in the morning (even after only 4 hours sleep), and maybe even assume your demeanor in the dawn light is an admirable quality, that is not always the case.

Such was the lesson on a Saturday morning.

After the wonderment of NEEDTOBREATHE, Lauren and I drove off into the sunset (okay, it was like 1:30 in the morning) with one thing on our minds: McDonalds.  We drove to three or four before we found one open at that hour.  I was all, "The heck? This side of town cares a lot about making healthy choices hates freedom and doesn't want their citizens to have access to a 2:00 a.m. McFlurry.  What kind of fascism is this?"  But through perseverance we found a drive thru to meet our needs and settled into the parking lot to nosh and chat.  It felt a lot like high school, except without the "I hope I don't get caught" aspect.  Because, you know, I'm the mom now.

I slept over at Lauren's house (furthering the whole "high school" feel) because the next morning we were going to run a 5k together. We went to bed around 2:45-ish. Lauren was going to wake me at 7:45.  This is how that went.

Lauren (hesitant and gravelly voiced): Kel? It's morning.

Kelly: GOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!! (Okay, it was really like, "Good morning!" peppered with two stories of things that had happened during the three hours we had been apart and sleeping.)(One was that my phone died a slow and vocal death between 5:00 - 5:40 a.m.)(The second was that I woke up in a panic because we were *obviously* late because I was much too rested to have only slept our allotted time, so I sneaked downstairs to find a clock because my phone was dead, but I didn't want to disturb Diamond the dog and/or David the husband, but it was only 6:11 a.m.)(I shared both stories in my usual manner and ended with, "Cool, I think Imma take a shower.")(Lauren looked at me in awe bewilderment and went back to bed.)

I only noticed a difference in our morning personalities when I was standing at the toaster (singing a made up song in my head of "toastin' some toast in the toooooaaaaster ... gonna put on some peanut buuuuuuutter") and Lauren said, "Are you always this happy in the morning?" and I was like, "Yes." This was when I realized Lauren had a Not A Morning Person Hangover and I should probably chill the heck out and eat my toast respectfully.

We drove to my mom's house because that's where we were going to park, but discovered the race was farther away then I previously thought.  We parked closer to the race and walked to get our race packets.  I originally wanted to do the pre-race yoga session they offered, but with our late night and someone's hangover it was probably best we skipped it.

When the race started, I warned Lauren it would be congested and we would both dodge people and have people dodge us.  It thinned out after about a quarter of a mile and was a great run.  It was mainly through neighborhoods and the weather was perfect.  There were two water stations and a lot of volunteers cheering us on.  Since the race benefited mental health awareness and suicide prevention, the course was lined with signs filled with facts and statistics relating to the cause.

I heard the first f-bomb at the Mile 1 marker.  It totally wasn't from Lauren.  She did fantastic.  Her goal was to run the whole thing and she did.  She even sprinted to the finish line.  I still haven't found our official results anywhere, but the sprint to the finish was to beat 40 minutes, so, accounting for our starting place in the mob of racers, I'll bet we averaged about a 11:45ish mile. I am so happy and proud she did it! The next obvious step is to convince her to do Warrior Dash.

Yeah we totally just ran a 5k. #selfiesatthefinish

Also, because this is super fun, here is a picture my friend Meggan tagged me in on Facebook.  She found it on the Royal Oak Music Theatre FB page from the night Needtobreathe played.  Photo is by Joe Gall Photography.

Front row? Check.  Huge smiles? Check.  Looking like I'm naked?  Aaaand check.

Reasons I haven't blogged in a week

Ohmylanta, I can't remember the last time I took an unscheduled week off from blogging. (Please tell me you noticed.)(Or at least lie to make me feel better.) Here are the official Reasons I Haven't Blogged in a Week.

1. This dude ...

"Yeah, I'm two and a half and that's a nuk.  Try to take it away and I'll cut you."

... got pinkeye.  This manifested first as swollen eyes that I diagnosed as allergies and treated with Benadryl. Then sweet baby boy woke up crying during the last ten minutes of Safe Haven starring Josh Duhamel, which dictated I pause the movie to check on the kid, discover the telltale eye goo, and dose him with the leftover pinkeye medicine we keep on hand because I am a good mother who would totally notice right away if our pinkeye medicine expired in January, and not after I'd already administered two doses.  (Good thing I also have no shame when it comes to committing the cardinal sin of parenting as is involved with pediatric medicine.)(Otherwise I would have felt terrible asking our doctor to have a "quick look at Ezra" during Eve's ten year old check up appointment.)(What I really meant was "can you please just prescribe some more medicine for this awesome case of pinkeye we have going on?" because by the fourth kid you do not need a degree in medicine to know conjunctivitis.)

Normally pinkeye would not affect this blog in the slightest except that Friday morning is prime "finish writing so I can post" time, but Ezra was committed to using my time otherwise. Ezra's plans included Mama "sleeping" in his bed while he spent the next hour and a half kicking her in the arm pits.

Mama: Dude.  That's enough. Go to sleep.
Ezra: *giggle* No, no, Mama.

It was an awesome night that did not include much sleep. I chose to sleep in rather than blather away incoherently here.  You're welcome.

2. This girl ...

Me and Cassie.  She has handcuffs and a gun.  Plus she was totally recognized for her squad car driving skillz.

... is now fully 5-0.  My baby sister graduated from the Police Academy!  So what I'm saying is that you shouldn't mess with me.  Because I know people that could mess your shizz up with parking tickets.

Cassie's graduation ceremony was Friday night, and my mom hosted a party for her on Saturday. My brother Steve came in from Chicago for the weekend and he brought his lady Natalia (who is awesome and brought all the kiddos presents from her recent work travels to India and Dubai).  I ate waaaaay too much pizza and one and a half pieces of cake. Plus Cassie's mom-in-law made this amazing salad that I convinced myself was healthy because it was loaded with veggies (and maybe a tiny bit of dressing)(you know, where "tiny" means "the peas are floating in it").

Me, Brian, Steve, Natalia, Cassie and her husband Andy

3. Mother's Day ...

I'm a mom.  That's why I am grocery shopping at 6:00 a.m. on Mother's Day.

... totally happened.  I did not sleep in or get breakfast in bed which is tradition at our house (although I totally bought myself Tim Horton's so don't worry, the tummy was taken care of) but I did get some sweet cards with a lot of homemade coupons (including one for a bike tune-up = score!) so I made out okay.  The best part of Mother's Day was that after church we got in the car and drove to OHIO.  (Awww yeah.)  Why Ohio?  Because that's the home of Kalahari Water Park.

This ride is called the Cheetah Race.  You ride this whole thing face first on your stomach while laying on a mat.  It has a lot of enclosed tubes that start five stories up and circle around on the way down before that drop at the end.  I went on this once.  It involved me getting stuck at the top and the teenage lifeguard in charge of telling us when to go shouting, "STAY ON YOUR BELLY" while everyone in line watched me try to propel myself down the chute by flopping around on the mat.  It made me feel vaguely like I was in a porno and I never rode it again.  (P.S. I didn't know how to spell "vaguely" and it autocorrected to "vaginally" which was at least in the ballpark with the other words in that sentence.)(Well done, Autocorrect.) 

We spent two days frolicking in the water.  Ezra and Esther loved the baby pool and the wave pool and Eve and Hosanna loved the many slides.  I loved the Lazy River because I'm a thrill seeker like that. I will write more about Kalahari later because I have seen too many awesome things to sum up in a little blurb right now.  (Just try to imagine the tattoos I've been exposed to this week.)

Sorry I've been MIA, but it's back to normal life from here on out. I'll see you Friday!

A whole night where I am reminded that I can't dance (and lessons on how to fake it 'til you make it)

There is this band called Needtobreathe that I kinda sorta like and loosely keep tabs on.

Sike.

I am an obsessed super fan who pays actual money (in a world where money usually buys things like, I don't know, food and diapers) to belong to their fan club and have first dibs on ticket sales and insider news.  It is totally worth it.  Dinner is overrated.

I have been planning to see Needtobreathe on their Drive All Night Tour since before I knew it existed.  I didn't start making concrete plans (like what I was going to wear) until the dates had been announced.  I got tickets immediately because I know people pre-order them.  

Friday night was the big night.  I prepared by barely sleeping and then painting my toenails.

A lovely shade called "What are you - fifteen?!" (I read something on the internet about the shape of your toes revealing your heritage.) (According to the internet - which never lies - I'm totally Egyptian.) (Which explains why every time I participate in a dance off I end up walking like one.) (#80'skid)
(Raise your hand if you read that hashtag with the word skid in it.)
(You are a true 80's kid if you read "skid" and thought of pants.)
(You are normal if you read "skid" and thought of poop.)
(If you read "skid" and thought of tire marks, you are probably a bad driver.)

Brian came home early and I scurried to get dressed.  This caused a minor panic because the outfit I had been planning on wearing for months was no longer appropriate for the weather. I thought I could pull it off anyway but it was almost 80 degrees in Michigan in May. (WTHeck, weather?  Didn't you get the memo that Needtobreathe was coming and I needed to wear that super cute dress with my brown jacket and boots?)  I threw together an outfit just to get out the door on time.  Traffic is no joke on that side of town (I can hear my California readers laughing already, "Bless her heart, she has no idea what traffic is really like, how cute...") and I was going to meet Lauren for dinner before the show.

Aside from a ridiculous amount of gawker delay (for real - who hasn't seen an abandoned car with no tire chilling out on the shoulder before?) and a moment where I almost wet my pants because I pee when I am nervous/stressed/excited the ride was uneventful.  I parked my car and walked past the venue to go to eat and the line was already around the block and down the street.  I was weirdly proud (I mean, these have been my boys for years)(way before anyone else ever heard of them)(*pushes up nerd glasses, adjusts ironic t-shirt, and takes instagram picture of an iced coffee and bagel belt*) and I was not freaking out about the line because I had Special Insider Priority Access.

Lauren and I ate the most disappointing dinner ever at a crepe place ("What, Kel? A crepe dinner in suburban Detroit was not up to par?" Shocking, I know.)(Don't worry, we totally made up for it with a 2:00 a.m. McDonald's run.)  At the theater we got in our Special Insider Priority Access line at about 7:15 p.m.  We were about fourth in line for 8:00 doors. I felt slightly bad for the people that showed up at noon for front row that did not have Priority Access, but not enough to give up my spot. Don't hate the player ...

This picture was stolen borrowed from NTB's facebook page.  It was taken by @niklpro on Instagram. The fancy work in Paint was done by yours truly. Don't be too jealous. 

Proof.
Proof I'm up front and proof I don't know how to use my camera.

Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors opened the show at 9:00. (This is how I know I am getting old: around 8:30 I started thinking about how long the night was going to be.  I started doing squats to relieve the pressure on my lower back from standing for so long.  I calculated hours of sleep based on estimated time of arrival in bed. I started wondering why venues didn't offer collapsible stools for patrons who pay good money to wait in the front row. I started resenting the bouncer for getting to rest his tush on the edge of the stage. I wondered if I could ever get a job as a bouncer. I realized I'm a stay at home mom jealous of a bouncer for sitting down.  Aaaannnd = age fully realized.)

Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors - Rich, Ellie, Drew, and Nathan

We saw Drew Holcomb at the last NTB show.  Drew Holcomb was solo then, because he was filling in last minute and the rest of his band was back in Tennessee.  Lauren bought me three of their cd's and I really like them.  I was looking forward to seeing the whole band perform. They did not disappoint.  The guitarist, Nathan Dugger, is sick talented, and looks like Jim from The Office.  He also plays keyboards and the boy knows music. Ellie is Drew's wife and they are lovely together.  They did a duet and shared one mic and it was poignant.  I would see them headline.

Needtobreathe went on around 10:00.  They opened semi-acoustically, with a bass drum and a few percussion instruments, an upright bass, and a few guitars.  It was different, because usually they open big with one of their anthem-like songs.  It worked though, and three songs in when the curtain behind them dropped and revealed the rest of the stage everyone freaked the heck out and rocked out with them.

Photo courtesy of Josh Drake Photography because all my pics are terrible.

They played a ton of my favorites. I danced and sang my heart out. (Confession = whenever I am singing and catch one of the band member's eyes, I become totally focused on singing the correct words and always mess them up. Every.single.time. So now, as a preventative, if I catch their eye I fake sneeze or itch my nose, effectively hiding my mouth.)(I'm pretty sure NTB thinks I have the worst allergies ever.)

(*Also, a confession for fun = since I was a music major in college, I am pretty in tune (*giggle*) with my own voice. So I know that I absolutely can not "WOOOOO!" at all.  It doesn't matter if it's a sporting event I'm cheering on, a concert I am celebrating ... my "WOOO!" is thin and pathetic. But in the spirit of The Articulation of Excitement, I totally lip sync a "WOOOO!" whenever other people are screaming it.)(The secret is in the commitment to the "WOOOO!" facial expression.)(So if you suck at "WOOOO!"-ing, feel free to use my trick.)(Nobody ever knows you're faking it.)(You're welcome.)

Needtobreathe played for a good two hours. It was a fantastic show; maybe even their best so far.  How does a frequently touring band keep their music and live show so fresh? They are just amazing.

And after the show this happened.

I'd like to be all, "I'm not really that short in real life," but um, I'm totally that short in real life.

Lauren, ROCK LEGEND Bear Rinehart, and me.

Case of the Mondays: Recovery

I'm not afraid.

Guess what was awesome around here?  My weekend.  I had such a great weekend that I am now in full-on recovery mode. Totally like Eminem but without, you know, the substance abuse. I plan to recap my Friday night with NEEDTOBREATHE on Wednesday, so prepare for the awesomeness that will come your way then, because there's probably going to be a picture of me with the band.  Saturday morning I ran alongside Lauren as she participated in her first 5k ever and didn't walk even once.  She was a rock star in the most athletic way possible that has nothing to do with actual music. Sunday was a mix of church*, cleaning**, and a power nap, and finally capped off with WT "sirloin" burgers (pre-made ground beef patties sandwiched by sliced sirloin). (Brian was in ghetto heaven.)

(*My favorite part at church was that mid-sermon someone opened the windows (because spring has finally arrived in Michigan!) prompting Brian to lean over and ask a freaking million times if I smelled Subway until I finally whispered back, "It's my new deodorant." (Totally not true, it was probably Subway, but it shut him up.)(Until four seconds later when we went back and forth exchanging possible names for Subway deodorant.)(I'm pretty sure I won with "Cold Cut Trio" because it offers three layers of protection.)

Sorry, Babe, but my name just knocked yours the heck out.

(**My favorite part of cleaning was that Brian committed to doing the yard work Sunday afternoon.  This involved him cutting the grass and the kiddos emptying the garage of everything we own and strewing it about the neighborhood. I worked diligently inside until I found the kitchen counter.  We went to bed exhausted and earned our deep slumber.  Upon leaving the house this morning Brian discovered that not only did we leave the garage door open all night, but we also left the van in the driveway with the windows down and the keys in the ignition. Because we are responsible and take care of our stuff.)

So, in view of my uber busy weekend, here is a super short version of a Case of the Mondays post.  I'm pretty sure it won't make any sense, but continuity makes me happy and this is my blog.  So there.

Which leads me to...

I'm pretty sure Eminem and Taylor Swift would never date, but I'd love to hear the breakup albums.

"She tied Taylor Swift to Eminem? How does she do it?"  Six degrees of Pinterest, y'all.  Starting with Marshall, ending with Marshall. Full circle. Boom. Happy Monday.

I can't catch my breath because I ...

NEEDTOBREATHE!!!!!

If you missed the post(s) about my experiences with ROCK LEGENDS Needtobreathe, you should probably read my first one here to fully understand all that I am saying when I declare the following:

I am going to see Needtobreathe tonight.

Don't wait up, y'all.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I have great respect for the elderly.  They have a wealth of experience and the fruit of wisdom borne from years of revelation and reflection.  Many have lived through tumultuous decades; they've lived through wars, changing political/economical/social/moral climates, and celebrated life and death several times over, welcoming new souls birthed and grieving old friends and family that pass away.

There is perspicacity in eyes that have observed seventy years on earth.


On Monday night I was privileged to interact with one of our elder citizens.  I was leaving the gym after having finished an amazing workout.  Included in my workout was two miles of interval runs.  For non-runners, it simply means that I am on the treadmill for about twenty minutes and every other minute is really, really fast.  Because this run is so short and my brain is so focused on setting the correct speed, the time flies by.  I usually end up working hard without suffering the mental challenge runners sometimes have to endure.  It is a rewarding end to my day; I feel accomplished, healthy, and I probably step off the treadmill with more than my share of swagger in my step.

There is something about feeling amazing about yourself and life that makes you freaking love everyone around you.  The sun shines brighter, Macklemore is always on the radio (I still love Thrift Shop, I just can't help it*), and Tim Horton's finally sponsors your blog but pays you in free Iced Capp for life. (Am I underachieving in my imaginary Utopian life? Please don't answer that.)

I was in this state of mind as I was leaving the gym.  Contributing to my "I just kicked that workout's tush" attitude was the mild temperatures that have finally embraced the calendar's idea that it is spring.  As I was exiting the fitness center, I decided to hold the door for a woman entering with a toddler.  As she thanked me I noticed another person not too far away and continued to hold the door because the weather was gorgeous and I was flying high as the best athlete in the history of the world ever in my head only. In the distance I saw an older woman approaching, and I thought, "Hey, I'll just chill here and wait to open the door for her because that is what people who love other people do."

As this elderly woman drew nearer, I opened the door.  She looked me up and down and said, "Have you been running?"

See? Elderly people = totally wise.

I answered, "Yes, ma'am.  You can tell?"

She replied, "Yes, well, you really smell."


Old people. Yeeaaahhh.

*extra story for free = I really love the song Thrift Shop and maybe once or twice my children have totally on accident heard the radio friendly clean version when I purposefully left it on in the car.  Thankfully my kiddos are really innocent and naive, because I've never had to explain what "being swindled and pimped" or what "tricked by a biz-ness" means.  Turns out they already had some idea, because Eve was really worried all April Fool's Day that we were literally going to be tricked by a business.  She wouldn't let us shop anywhere.  P.S. I love being a parent.