Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Five on Friday: Muliebral* Musings (Or, why girls are confusing)

So, this happened at the gym this morning.

I was totally minding my own business while watching one of the regular bros in the meathead section deadlift close to 400 pounds. I may or may not have been chanting in my head "I think I can, I think I can" while this dude barely lifted the incredibly heavy load and I broke into a wide smile when he finally got it all the way up. I was internally cheering him on because I support my fellow athletes. He dropped the weight, caught my eye and said,

"Are you looking at my butt?"

Me, stammering, instantly purple, "Uhh, um, no."

Him, smiling, "If you like what you see, go ahead, I don't mind." *WINKS*


Oh.

My.

Lanta.


Here are five minutes of the internal musings that followed after that situation occurred.


Minutes One and Two: MORTIFICATION

This is the part where I pretend I'm totally cool and not embarrassed at all and my face totally plays along by exploring the rainbow of all the red and purple shades in the spectrum. I give him a bashful smile which I'm sure communicates that I am blown away not only by his physical prowess, but also his schoolboy face, and charming nature. In reality I am just struck dumb with embarrassment because I am super smooth. There are no coherent thoughts at this point. Only the desire to flee. Because I handle emotion well.


Minute Three: SELF-RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION

Needs some stretching.
You betta streeeetch, boy.
Actually, Mr. Meathead, I was really looking at your form. So yeah, I kind of *was* looking at your butt. Specifically how you could stick it out more ... but your ankles are tight. I know this because Elliott Hulse who I'm sure would totally respect me if we were ever in the gym together taught me about proper squat form and I can see that your heels come off the ground when you are getting ready to deadlift. Also? You wouldn't need that weight lifting belt* if you would just do the stomach vacuum every once and a while. I don't want to get too braggy here, but since I've had four kids, I'm preeeeeetty good at kegels, so I totally know how to stomach vacuum for all it's worth.


* "wouldn't need that weight lifting belt" = I don't even know if this is true. But ELLIOTT doesn't use a belt because he practices stomach vacuuming, and if ELLIOTT said it, it's probably a law somewhere.


Minute Four: Sassy Responses

Four minutes out I'm actually really good for responses. Each response is said thought with rockin' self-confidence (obviously) and adequately conveys that "Honey, I am so above your pay grade". In my head I am a social rock star. (And, apparently, a raging flirt, so it's much better for my marriage that I have terrible timing when I'm embarrassed.)


Minute Five: Joy. FREAKING Joy.

That guy just flirted with me. And I am 34. And it is 4:30 in the morning. And I have four kids. And I am twenty a few pounds overweight. And I am wearing a mom ponytail. And I am sweating.  I am in the meathead section and He. Just. Flirted. With. Me.  

It's about d@mn time.


And all that is why girls are confusing.


*Muliebral is your SAT word of the day. Meaning: of, relating to, or characteristic of women. BAM! You're smarter.

Linking up with Clare at Fitting It All In.

5 comments:

  1. Dude, I totally laughed out loud at that comment of his! I don't know if I would've been able to stop myself from laughing in person! So, it's probably good that I don't go to the gym, and that I'm also already married. ;) But I think you're pretty awesome for being at the gym with the meatheads anyway!

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  2. That is absolutely awesome. Smiled the whole post!

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  3. I am literally dying!! You are a freaking rock star girl.

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