Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Don't come crying to me when you pay full price for Legos. Sucka.

Only three more days.  I hope you are prepared because I totally am.

Black Friday E'rbody.

I'm pretty sure that Kohl's whole "Operation Black Friday" thing is a marketing ploy aimed specifically at me.  The executives had a meeting and were all, "Who is our number one shopper in southeastern Michigan?" and the research analysts answered, "Without a doubt it's Kelly from Sublurban Mama."  When they got together with the marketing department and they asked, "What's the best way to guarantee she will visit our store on the big day?" Some of the more junior members mentioned selling a waffle stick maker for $14.99, and while that was an incredibly enticing and bold move, the more experienced marketers knew that if they made Black Friday seem like a Navy Seal mission I would be all over that mess.

Physical Training

1. Waffle stick maker 2. Cowl neck sweaters
3. 600 thread count sheets 4.Boots
5. Headphone earmuffs 6. Jewelry 7. Bras
STOP? Navy Seals don't quit  

In preparation I have been focusing on shuttle runs/suicides, so that I am ready to sprint across the store to be the first for the best sale (that I will not be mentioning by name because this is a top secret mission, y'all). Also, lunges and squats have been working to build up the strength in my lower body so that I have more power in the thrust behind my sprinting.

"I can be your superman*,"  - Eminem
(*but only in a totally non-sexual way
that has nothing to do with Eminem's song
and everything to do with Black Friday shopping.)

In weight training I've been concentrating on my forearms, biceps, and shoulders; those are no brainers because you need strength for hauling around bags of merchandise.  My secret training weapon?  Lower back strength.  Many a Black Friday shopper is forced to retire early due to lower back pain which is the result from standing on the checkout line for so many hours.  This will not be me, my friends.  I've been doing Superman's faithfully for this very reason.

Mental Training

Mental Preparation is more about the weeks of planning it requires to pull off a successful mission.  I have lists of sales offered in my general area.  I've cross-referenced those lists with the things I need either as Christmas gifts or for our own household. Finally I made an itinerary that states where, when, and what I need from each store.  It has not only a rough outline but also hourly goals I need to achieve in order to succeed at my mission.  (And here you thought Black Friday was about being allowed to drink real Coke at 4:00 a.m.)(Sorry y'all, but these training methods are what make some of us elite shoppers.)(Although the coke thing will totally be happening.)

Operation: Black Friday.  Now it's not just a matter of fiscal opportunity that I attend the Black Friday sales, it's also a personal challenge.  And Kohl's?  Challenge accepted.  Hoo-rah.


  1. Kohl's is my #1 Black Friday destination. Bring it, sista!! ;)

  2. You're brave, woman. I will be avoiding all shopping venues like the plague and knitting everyone's Christmas presents (because I'm poor) with a hot toddy (because I like bourbon and day-drinking). But I'll be pulling for you! Maybe next year...

    1. I will totally shop enough for the both of us. And I would love to be able to knit. You probably have mad coordination, especially if you are knitting drunk. Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving, Kate!

  3. Um, I must be from the Dark Ages. I thought you had to wait until the newspapers come out on Thanksgiving with all the Black Friday ads. You already have a plan?!

    1. I feel like I have failed you as a friend. Most of the ads get leaked about three weeks in advance. I'll help you subscribe to some websites that email you all the latest deals. It won't feel like spam at.all.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...