Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Weaning ... because it's finally time.

This?  Totally me.  If I didn't wear
glasses.  And was a cartoon.

I have this awful aching in my chest.  Specifically, an ache deep in my heart where it is broken because it's time to wean myself from International Delight Iced Coffee.

We've had a lot of good times together.  But now we're totally bonded to the point of attachment issues. Specifically, iced coffee won't leave me the heck alone. So it's with a heavy heart that I know it's time to separate for a while.

Roll Tide.  This is actually my 4:30 a.m.
pre-triathlon picture because
remember when I did a triathlon?

Every morning I wake up and spring from my bed knowing I get to have iced coffee.  I turn on the computer, pad over to the refrigerator in my stocking feet, reach in and gently remove the half gallon container of mocha deliciousness.  I gather my favorite mug from the upper shelf of the kitchen cabinets (light green from IKEA, just so you can picture this)(the mug, not my cabinets)(and I might be climbing on the counter to reach it)(just kidding, Brian)(and wearing super cozy wide leg cotton jammie pants)(yes, jammie pants)(and probably my Alabama sweatshirt)(because: Alabama is number one).

I measure out one cup of iced coffee and carefully pour it into the waiting vessel.  (I briefly consider using a funnel to transfer the coffee from measuring cup to coffee mug but veto this idea because of the potential for wasting coffee when some clings to the funnel.)(Because who wants to spend their morning trying to suck the droplets of leftover brew from the inside of a tiny funnel yet again?)

You probably shouldn't bother
me until I've had some caffeine.

I delicately plop two ice cubes into my waiting drink.  Two ice cubes is the perfect amount; two offers a subtle chill and also a slight texture variation in my drinking experience.  Any amount greater than two and the ice cubes become obstacles to sipping.  I look down at my mug and whisper, "Hello, Friend.  You're looking well today.  It's been a long time.  Too long."  And it has.  Been too long, I mean.  Like, literally hours.

Now that all is perfectly prepared, I walk excitedly over to the computer and sit down. Now I can drink.


This is where you ask, "Oh Kelly, this seems to be something that adds so much pleasure to your life namely because International Delight Iced Coffee is the best invention in the history of all inventions including, but not limited to, Atari, the flushing toilet, and baby wipes*."

(*Baby wipes?  Oh no you didn't.  But please, go on dear reader who is thoughtfully asking all the right questions in order that I can segue into the last portion of this post.)

"It seems to me, my super talented and, if we are being candid here, my extremely gorgeous friend and favorite blogger in the universe  world  on blogger  that I'm reading right now, that Kelly, maybe you shouldn't be weaning yourself from a product that adds so much to your life."


But that's just it, my friends.  It is adding so much to my life.  (Unfortunately it is not adding to my bank account in a way that suggests International Delight has recognized the opportunity for sponsorship and pays me to plug them on my blog that reaches the untold masses every day of the work week.)  But it is successfully adding to my hips. And my belly. And my tush.  It really wants to add to my chin as well, because maybe my chin is feeling lonely and tired of being single and just wants a mate for the rest of the days and is that really too much to ask?

Yes.  It is too much to ask, chin.  And get used to it, I'm legally making sure you are referred to as "chin" and never "chins" again. (Because I'm the boss of you, chin.)

If I had more self-control I could handle just one little delicious cup of 150 calories every morning, but usually that self-control flies out the window around 3:00 p.m. when I'm all, "Don't MAKE me call your father" to the kiddos that are driving me insane and all I really want is a N.A.P. for me but settle on roughly 300 calories of binge caffeine.  And this just will not do.

So it is with an awful aching in my chest that I say a goodbye to my beloved coffee.

*sniff* *sniff*  *single dramatic tear rolling down my fuller than it should be cheek*


  1. This post is so funny! I totally understand giving up something you love, at least for a while. I became obsessed with peanut butter, and at least half my calories each day came from pb--but giving it up for a while helped me to have more control. Maybe someday you can have your beloved iced coffee again :)

    1. The control thing is totally it. I listened to your podcast and when you said that marathon training mentally messed with you I felt the same way about triathlon training. Feeling like you could eat anything because you were working out so much and then realizing, "yeah, this is not working out so well," and having to learn how to reign it back in ... yet again. *Sigh* Someday, Iced Coffee, someday.

  2. I did the same thing a while ago and started making a huge batch of my own iced coffee on Sunday. If you use skim milk and stevia, it's not nearly as calorically damaging. Or, you could do what my mom does, which is make a jumbo batch of earl gray tea and then in the morning put stevia and a splash of milk in it. It's really good. Best of luck to you in kicking the habit! We all have our vices. (Damn you, pita chips. Damn you.)

    1. I might try the homemade route. Right now I am having vanilla caramel tea with 40 calories of creamer, and it's taking the place of my beloved coffee but hasn't captured my heart.

  3. I feel for you, sister. I could never, ever, ever give up my cappuccino habit. Like, "kill the person who tries to make me" kind of never. I invested in a machine that makes it for me and use only fat-free milk. That has helped both my wallet AND my waistline!

    Thank you for making me laugh. You are JUST what I needed tonight. {{hugs}}

    1. I still think about my beloved iced coffee at least once a day ... *sniff, sad pouty lip*


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