Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, October 1, 2012

I carried a watermelon? - Baby

No one puts Baby in the corner.

You know that voice in your head that gives you advice about what thoughts to verbalize?  Sometimes I get all, "You're not the boss of me, Imma say what I want" to that little voice, which is an excellent decision if you want to be known as a psycho.

Sometimes I'm not even trying to disobey that little voice, I just seem inherently unable to fully recognize the English language when it is in the form of sound advice screaming whispering politely in my head.

The other day I arrived at the gym (i.e. my safe zone so I wasn't even on my guard, mistake number one) when my neighbor was leaving.  This is a new neighbor I don't really know all that well; he and his wife recently moved in and just had a baby, so they are understandably not all that much for shooting the breeze outside on the front lawn.  But we know each other enough to recognize each other (mainly because I'm infamous in the neighborhood for my offspring's boisterous playing mad driving skills that include missing the driveway every.darn.time and consistently scoring a perfect 10 on the minivan lawn job).  The following conversation is why I'm so cool IRL.

Me:  Hey!  You're my neighbor!
Neighbor: Yeah.  Hey.
Me: I totally forgot your name.  (He's a dude, he's not offended.)(I'm pretty sure.)
Neighbor: I'm Thor. (Totally not his real name.  But this is a public forum, you know?  So I'm protecting his identity because it's polite.  And?  Who wouldn't want to be fake named Thor?)
Me: I'm Kelly.  (We both pretend to catalog this information again so we will remember next time we see each other and not have to start yet another conversation with a name exchange.)(It will happen anyway.)(And probably I'll falsely remember his name as "Thor" for the duration of our relationship.)
Thor: Are you a member here?
Me: Yesh.  (Uh-oh, I've relaxed a little bit and now I'm starting to lisp.)(Not because I have a speech impediment which would be awesome but because of something entirely unexpected that I will get to in a minute.)  We uthed to have the family memberthip, but (and now I'm trying desperately to overcompensate by speaking louder and with more enunciation) IT WAS TOO HARD TO KEEP THE KIDS SO CLOSE TO US.
Thor:  Yeah, the rules are crazy about that.  What is it, like four feet proximity at all times? (He is politely ignoring that I suddenly turned insane.)
Me:  YES.  AND I HAVE FOUR KIDTH TO BRING WITH ME IN THE POOL.  I CAN'T BE WITHIN FOUR FEET OF ALL OF THEM. (Wisely deciding louder is not the way to go, I try another tactic.)(The voice chimes in, "Kelly, shut up and say goodbye." I ignore it.)  Sorry, Thor, I juthed downed an entire Ithed Cappuccino from Tim Horton's so I could finith it before my workout (The Voice: SHUT UP!  RETREAT!) and now my tongue ith all numb and sthwollen and I can barely thpeak.
Thor:  (laughs)
Me:  I'll sthee you later?
Thor: Sure. Bye.

In conclusion:  Get your Iced Capp at least thirty minutes before you have to workout, or else you run the risk of gulping it and rendering yourself completely thpeachleth.


  1. Ha ha! I'm impressed with your mad writing skillz that allowed me to "hear" your speech impediment. :D


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