Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Dude, where's my royalties?

I thought I knew the sound of my own voice.  As a voice major I spent 4 and 1/2 years recording myself vocally and listening to it back to critique every breath, pitch, nuance, and inflection I could pick up on.  I never say, "Is that really what I sound like?" after hearing a play-back from a voice mail message I've left, or watching old home movies. The sound of my voice (outside of my head) is just already weirdly familiar.

Imagine my shock when I got a small sample of how my children perceive my voice.  It sounds exactly like this:

This is the only logical explanation for why phrases such as "FLUSH THE POTTY" or "HANG UP YOUR COAT" go consistently unheeded.  Those directives are full of individual words I am quite sure already exist in their vocabularies;  I'm even thoroughly convinced that the specific combination of those individual words have clear meaning to the little munchkins.  So clearly something must be wrong with the sound of my voice.

The Peanuts corporation has apparently been stealing the sound of my voice for years.  In fact, this is such a gross case of theft that it began before I was even born.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to sue them, because at this point I'm due millions in royalties.  That's right, millions.  (Pain and suffering and all that.)  I plan on using some of my winnings to hire an interpreter for my children so that when I talk there will be no further confusion over what I am actually communicating.  And by interpreter, I probably mean Super Nanny will come live with me and school all those involved.  Or I'll buy an ice cream truck and employ a healthy dose of the reward system to encourage the kiddos to get on board and learn how to speak Mama Nag.

This might end up being a class action lawsuit, so if you or anyone you know may have had the sound of their voice stolen and used in the Peanuts comic, contact me to see how you can get a piece of what you are owed.  Because everyone needs to be understood, but especially everyone needs their own ice cream truck.


  1. My kids were sitting by me when I watched the clip, and they wanted to watch it over and over. Then they wanted to watch the ones that were advertised as "similar" and well...let me just say you should beware of the one called "She's a bad teacher, Charlie Brown," lol!!

    I think I would be in trouble if I bough an ice cream truck. ;)

    1. Now I need to go search for the bad teacher clip :)


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