Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Friday, August 31, 2012

If Toddlers and Tiaras Was More Royally Awesome

Kelly, to four year old Esther:  Esther, you have to let the other girls be the princesses every once and a while.
Esther:  Fine.  They can be the princesses.  I'll be the QUEEN.

So this Facebook Friday is dedicated to my favorite (almost) five year old daughter.  Esther is a beautiful child and she kills me because the girl can perform.  This child is a step further than a Drama Queen.  She's like a Drama Empress.  If we were playing poker, she'd be a Drama Ace.  The Drama Ace of Diamonds, because this child lives in her dress up clothes.  Or a bathing suit.  Or a bathing suit dressed up with diamonds.  I don't know.

I have recorded some of Esther's best moments for all of posterity, or really, people on Facebook. Here are some lovely moments with Esther Gloria.

On Esther's Gifts to Humanity

Just as I was about to lose my mind sitting in parking lot type traffic, Esther starting singing a medley of "Silent Night" and the best hits from the Sound of Music.  In falsetto.  With a lot of vibrato. Intense vibrato.  Totally calmed me down.

Thank you, Lord, for Esther's voice at top volume, the cookie sheet, and the wooden spoon, all of which are being employed for a lovely rendition of Silent Night; one that is neither silent, nor too holy. Thank you that I get to enjoy this joyful noise unto the Lord for two days straight.  "ALL IS CAAAAAALM, ALL IS BRIGHT!"

When Esther's car ride fit reached it's apex in both pitch and volume, I quickly turned the radio on to drown out the noise -- only to discover she was screaming perfectly in tune with Miley Cyrus. Awesome.

On Esther's Potential as a Functional Grown Up  

I caught Esther staring at the non-operating front loading washer for almost twenty minutes.  Just as I was dubbing her our "Future Engineer" she said, "Mama, look at my hair!"  Vanity Smurfette discovered a reflective surface right at her own height.  Esther FTW.

Pediatrician to four year old Esther - "What do you want to do when you grow up?"  Esther - "Paint my toenails."  We aim high.

Esther, age 2:  Mama, I want a card.
Kelly:  What kind of card? (Esther runs and gets my wallet.)
Esther:  A money card.
Kelly:  My credit card?
Esther: Yes.

"Mo-om, Hosanna said I was a tattletale." - Esther.  Practicing irony before the Hipsters.  Because she's that cool.

On Esther's Productivity

If by "Did Esther have a nice nap?" you mean, "Did Esther sneak out of bed and cover her body with pink and green marker?" then the answer is, "Yes, she did."

When your child says they are doing "nothing" it really means they are making "tea" with their sister's ink (from the prized Hello Kitty stamp collection) and spilling it all over the pretty "tablecloth" (an artfully draped church dress).  You might actually feel relieved because watery washable ink is easier to clean up than if she had covered herself in A&D ointment.  Like yesterday.

Esther, age two, at Target.  Pointing to the man behind us in line.  "Mama, is that man my daddy?" Me, nervous laugh, "What do you think, Silly?"  Esther, with huge, sad eyes, "I don't know."  The stinker didn't break character once.  I. Was. Mortified.

Not Esther.  But I wouldn't touch her Barbie's if I were you.

Have a great weekend!  I start my battle with Jillian tomorrow on day one of the 30 Day Shred.  Pray I don't kill her.  Or say a Monster Swear at my television.  (Whatever seems most likely.)


  1. Replies
    1. The best part about what happened at Target was that I had three kids going spazz nuts and I was extremely pregnant with Ezra. I was at the point in pregnancy where my wedding rings didn't fit anymore, so I looked all Jerry Springer with my uncontrollable kiddos, preggo belly, no rings, and a toddler asking if a stranger was her father. Awesome.

  2. i tried the 30 day shred for a week. It is definitely hard. I am also severly overweight and planning to do something to change that. So maybe I will get back to that workout dvd!

    1. Hi Danielle! Thanks for reading and commenting. Have you read my How to Lose 100 Pounds posts? You can find them at the top under one of the tabs. It took me a long time to do it, but if I can do it, anyone can.

      I'm only on day four of the Shred and I already want to hurt Jillian. Start it back up with me and we can challenge her together! :)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...