Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Sister Wives -R- Us

No hate for Utah here.  I love Utah.  It's the only
place in America where I can consistently get caffeine
free Diet Coke in a restaurant.  Thank you, Mormons.
I have two friends whom I love dearly. Mary and Rachel are wonderful mothers, gorgeous women, can cook healthy and delicious food, and each have a knack for thrifting and decorating.  Now that I write about them, all their good qualities seem a bit excessive.  Like, if you are going to make tasty meals and serve them in your beautiful home, it's only fair if you are ugly.  But nope, beautiful, both of them.

The other day Rachel and Mary took a road trip together.  I learned of this the way I learn everything in life, via Facebook status.  Rachel's status shared some of the fun adventures had and ended with the declaration: "If I were into the whole polygamy thing, Mary would totally be my first choice for a sister wife."  My first thought?  Dude.  If Rachel and Mary get to be sister wives, I won't have any sister wives left to decorate my house

I did what any normal woman would do in my situation:  take the status as it was meant, as a funny shout out to friendship, and get on with my day obsess for hours over whom I wanted as sister wives.

(We should probably take a moment to recognize that when I think about polygamy I am glossing over the whole "share your husband with another woman" part, and focusing entirely on "how extra women in the household would make my life better" which I'm pretty sure is what polygamy is really all about.)

I realized that if Rachel claimed Mary, who is an amazing vegan/vegetarian cook, then I'd better hurry it up and get dibs on our friend Robyn, because girlfriend can also cook.  And not just, "Yum, this is a tasty meatloaf" kind of cook, but a "Wow, what a weird tropical fruit I've never heard of, and you've made some fantastic homemade ice cream with it" kind of cook. (True story.)  So the first thing I did was formally claim Robyn as my sister wife on Facebook.  Done.

But then I thought of Lyndsay, who not only raises goats, but makes her own soap from their milk. Also?  She's a genius stain fighter, and can also (coincidentally) make a really tasty meatloaf. (Seriously, I helped her organize her kitchen one time and she has like three different meatloaf pans that she employs regularly.)  So, yeah, I want Robyn and Lyndsay.

My Sister Wife's Goat's Milk Soap.  It is awesome, for realz. 

I spent the next hour a few moments reviewing my friends in my head, weighing their strengths against my weaknesses to assemble the Best Polygamous Family Ever.

I was sad to see that some of my potential sister wives were disqualified simply because we are already family.  Two of the most fashionable women I know, Nicole and Tracey, are Brian's cousins, which is a major bummer because not only would I be much better dressed if they lived with me, I would also avoid a lot of embarrassing clothing mishaps.  (Yeah, thanks Scarf Fad for needing a degree in Dexterous Magic to be able to fashionably drape you around my neck.)(And seriously, black and brown flip-flops look remarkably alike when you aren't paying attention are in a rush to get to the dentist.  But thankfully the really nice hygienist will bring to your attention you are wearing one of each.)

Also, my bestie got disqualified for similar familial-like reasons.  While not technically related, her husband is like a brother that I talk smack to as much as humanly possible shares my birthday, so he and I are pretty much twins.  Except that he already has a real-life twin, so we are really like triplets.  So Lauren and I are pretty much sister-in-laws.  (I may have received a C- in Logic and Reasoning at WSU.) Lauren, with her eye for the latest styles and tasteful implementation of said fashions, would also keep me from leaving the house in my current state of dress most days on occasion, and she's really good at teaching.  And listening.  And researching/making informed decisions.  And making me laugh.  And she has a horse.  So, there's that.

Then I thought about what I might bring into a potential Sister Wife relationship.  I am pretty good at bossing people around and I like to work out, so I could act as an in-house personal trainer.  Since personal trainers are a lot of money, and even more expensive if they live with you, having me as a Sister Wife would save a girl thousands.  Millions, even.  Another bonus is that I am really good at Pinterest, so I have a lot of ideas.  My main attribute is that I'm mad organized or was until I had kids.  If de-cluttering were an Olympic sport it would be retired because it would get boring watching me sweep it (haha) every two years.  (Because purging isn't just for summertime.)(Not a joke about bulimia)(because that would be in poor taste)(*snort*).

My "needs some improvement" areas would include:  fast food consumption, which honestly could be helped tremendously by Robyn cooking for me everyday. Also, I'm a tad (searching for another way to say "bat-sh*t crazy") melodramatic about certain things.  My lack of interior design aptitude and inability to hang anything on my walls (Brian has actually forbidden me from doing so)(excuse me for not knowing what a level was for)(must we be punished for our mistakes forever?) means my home needs some design help.  (Which means Pinterest has become a way for me to improve upon myself.)(It's like a  form of continuing education.) (And it's free.)(I just got a Continuing Education Scholarship while blogging by myself.)(That kind of "make it happen" spirit has to be an attractive quality for a potential sister wife.)

At the end of the day, I had 23 sister wives picked out.  That seems a bit excessive, even for me. And my poor husband!  Can you imagine trying to navigate through 23 menstrual cycles?   So I've decided it would be best to stay happily the pair of us in our monogamous relationship, and just keep all my sister wives as friends.  Who help me with interior design.  And fashion.  And the occasional meal together.  Everybody wins.

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