Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, August 27, 2012

I Just Met You, and This Is Crazy ...

It's been awhile since I've been the recipient of a seduction attempt.  When you are in a long-term relationship, you take certain things for granted.  The need to impress diminishes.

I'm pretty content with my current relationship.  It's familiar, and I still feel that "I'm so lucky/slightly out of my league and can't believe this is mine/my needs are all being met" ecstasy of young love.  But then something came along and made me think "So this is how the other half lives...."

Of course I'm talking about my gym.  And that homewrecker Lifetime Fitness.

I love my current gym.  It is small but classy.  I recognize everyone.  Trainer Tom lives there, as does my favorite treadmill smack in the center of seven televisions, and, as you know, my favorite form of torture - Ab Lab.  I still get spazz-nuts-angry at the lifeguards every time I swim, but at least now it's dulled to the perpetual annoyance between squabbling siblings.  (But dude, two lap lanes for 12 people?!  Seriously?!)

My gym is home.

Last week Sarah brought me as her guest to Lifetime Fitness.  I met her in the lobby where I could decide to either eat at the delicious cafe, get a massage or a haircut, or actually workout.  My new best friend Steve, who met me at the desk in  tailored suit pants and a button down, gave me my very own key card because I didn't need to bring my own lock for the lockers.  Do you know what else I didn't need?  My Incredible Hulk towel from home because Lifetime provides warm towels they wash and dry for you.

It only got better.  Upstairs, before my unbelieving eyes, was a figurative sea of cardio equipment.  I am hard-pressed to believe you would ever have to wait for an elliptical at Lifetime.  Or think about waiting for an elliptical.  And?  You can play computer solitaire while on the treadmill.

What land had I entered into?

Sarah and I began our workout on said treadmill(s).  We did a really easy 15 minute warm up.  We planned to do one of Sarah's "routines" which I never put together really meant "intense circuit training from hell" until five minutes and a horrid ten exercises in.  I saw "burpees" clearly written on her card.  Having not planned for burpees and instead planned for the hip culture of Lifetime Fitness, my Fluorescent Pink Sporty Wicking Shirt was perfect for showing off my awesome mama gut every.single.time I jumped on the UP! part of the move.  It was super cute.

I literally flopped on the (clean and cushy) mat after we finished.  My arms and legs were shaking. This was the perfect time to get ready to swim.*

*I've really enjoyed the end of season swimsuit sales.  My super expensive TYR suit has served me well, but it has been officially retired after it completely changed color and began flaking away.  I bought a Speedo from Dunhams at almost 50% off - score!  It is comfortable and would be taking it's maiden voyage in the fine aquatic accommodations at Lifetime Fitness.

I indulged in a moment of horror as I struggled frantically to put on my suit because I thought I remembered it fitting me, but then I realized I was just super sweaty.  Dude.

Since it was gorgeous out (85 degrees at 7:00 p.m.) we decided to swim outside.  It was nice.  We finished our workout with 1000 yards in the water, and exited the pool as they were setting up a giant inflatable movie screen on which to show an outdoor movie to the younger patrons.

As we neared the locker room some young gentlemen were handing out more towels (clean, dry, warm, of course) and I almost got in a fistfight because the young man personally handing me a towel said, "Do you want two?" which I thought was a fat joke.  Clearly.  Turns out that because Lifetime isn't stingy with their clean, warm towels, many people take one for their body and one for their hair.  Oh.

When I stepped into my own private shower I heard dialogue from Pretty Woman in my head.  Julia Roberts said, "Kit, his bathroom is bigger than the Blue Banana."  She was so right.  My shower stall was so large I did could do the Macarena.  Exuberantly.  If I was so inclined.

I returned my key card on the way out, and Sarah and I discussed returning the following Thursday to fit in one more guest pass adventure before the end of the month.  Twist my arm.

A mere 14 hours after I left Lifetime, Steve, with his tailored pants and button down shirt, called me to sell the heck out of a possible membership ask about my experience.  Wow.  It's like Lifetime loves me so much they don't even care about the "wait two days after your first date" rule.  (Is that still a thing?  I've been married for-eva.)

Since I'm the faithful sort, I would never leave my current gym, but I must admit I am tempted to occasionally make a rendezvous to the other side, for "steak instead of chicken", if you will. Or a gluten-free protein muffin.  Whatever.


  1. I thought about joining Lifetime Fitness once... until the gentleman I met outside the grocery store who was peddling said memberships took my info and proceeded to call me at least twice a day for the next TWO WEEKS. I got scared and have consequently never set foot in a Lifetime Fitness. But you make it sound so utopian... And they have a pool....

    1. Dude, now that I hear that I'm beginning to doubt Steve's commitment to our potential relationship. He hasn't called back since last week ... maybe he's just not that into me. Or something.
      After visiting Lifetime, every time I drive by it now it glows and an angel choir sings in the background.

  2. Oh, Kelly! Only you could make a visit to the gym into a romantic love story. The two-towel thing made me snort. Loudly. ;)

    I loved the "angel choir," too. :D

    1. Whenever you pass Lifetime you will totally hear the angel choir, too. I'm pretty sure.


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