Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, April 7, 2014

I think the answer is, "Why *wouldn't* you wear Cookie Monster underpants?"

Subtitle = A precautionary tale of a non-scale ... victory?

Everyone needs a go-to friend for discussing their unmentionables. Me, I have Sister Wife Rose. This is mostly because not only does she have extremely passionate thoughts on the subject, she also has an Expert Opinion as a cheer leading coach. (i.e. underpants are a big deal to those who move a lot in teensy little skirts.)

Since I'm entering a new phase in my fitness journey (*snort* - for Kari) I have a fresh dilemma. Namely, what does one wear while squatting? After a solid twenty minute discussion with Rose about panty lines and other things of vital importance where Major Life Decisions were made, our conversation ended something like this:

Me and Rose being photo bombed by Brian.
Kelly: ... and all I could think while dead lifting was this, "Dude. Please don't let me be wearing my Cookie Monster underpants."

Rose: What woman in her 30's (who, let's be honest, could totally pass for her 20's - editor's note) wears Cookie Monster underpants?

Kelly: I think the answer is why *wouldn't* a woman in her 30's wear Cookie Monster underpants?

Rose: *the Rose look* (if you know Rose you totally know this look)(it communicates "you are a dumb@ss" really well)


It was with that conversation fresh in my mind that I took the kiddos to the park yesterday afternoon. The FUN Park (which changes routinely depending on the whims of my children) was only a quarter mile away and was a perfect afternoon destination. Traveling with a three year old slightly affected the overall pace of our walk (haha, that's a joke because I'm pretty sure there were snails that beat us there), but we made it and it was gorgeous out and there were a ton of families and other kids to play with and life was grand.

(I kept myself occupied by practicing box jumps onto the benches that surrounded the playscape because they were the perfect height for someone 5'3.5" who is terrified of jumping onto the boxes at the gym. I felt like a Crossfit rockstar while nailing the jumps (even landing softly - Elliott Hulse would be so proud) even though I realized after the first jump that I would have to hold on to my pants because they kept sliding down. This messed with my (admittedly awesome) form a little bit, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order not to, I don't know, get arrested for indecent exposure.)

It was on our return trip home that I finally had the answer to the question that up until then I only knew to be rhetorical. The question, "Why *wouldn't* you wear Cookie Monster underpants?" Ready? This is why.

Sometimes, when you are trying to hurry a three year old across a busy road before the signal changes, and you pick him up in one hand, and hold his three thousand sticks and pinecones and Special Rocks collected from your quarter mile walk in the other hand, you will quickly discover that you have no hands left to pull up your pants that are now seriously sliding down your hips in celebration of your recent weight loss.

You can't throw down the child, and if you are a mom worth your merit at all, you know you can't drop ALLTHESPECIALTHINGS collected because it will ruin your child's life for at least 15 loud minutes forever. You will try to outrun the rapid descending of your pants, knowing that there are approximately fifteen cars witnessing your Parade of the Unmentionables as they wait for the light to change. You will attempt to catch your pants around your hips with broadening your running stance while simultaneously sticking out your tush, which looks as cute as it sounds. And just in case all the drivers were missing the big show because they were distracted in their cars, your nine year old will yell, "HEY MOM! I CAN SEE YOUR COOKIE MONSTER UNDERPANTS!" just to encourage everyone to check out the situation.

Safe on the other side of the road you will gently set down your child, and calmly pull up your pants like you were totally okay with flashing the world because you are secure in your choice of underpants. You should get an Oscar. (Like, the award.) (Not Oscar the Grouch underpants.) (Though I can understand the confusion this post could cause.)

And that is why, just maybe, you *wouldn't* wear Cookie Monster underpants.

6 comments:

  1. Oh yes your journey, can I say while I love Portland (kind of creepily love it). If I hear one more hippie say, "hey man its your journey." I will go all kinds of punk rock Sex Pistols on them. I'm gritting my teeth right now. Jumping a park bench? Now granted maybe I'm not envisioning them correctly but aren't they about as high as the SUPER AWESOME tire I get to jump? Dude that's impressive! We don't do a lot of box jumps my coach is nice enough to have soft mats you can pile up dang near to the ceiling. So much easier on your shins! But the tire........sigh thats always 50 jumps after the WOD. Anyway, if your facing super tall just remember to land like a cat. You jump and spread your feet a bit just to catch yourself. At the worst that usually happens you'll end up doing a squat as your balanced enough to not fall off it. It took awhile for anyway to give me that little tidbit so I got to hang off the side of the tire like a bat quite a few times. But I must say I'm good at falling and catching myself. ANYWAY, cookie monster is a good guy and i'd totally respect any woman who was flashing me wearing them. It would go like this, "ahhh why is her pants falling down"? But then i'd totally think "but look its cookie monster"! So I'd be respectin.

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    1. I'm still trolling to find a park that has tire sand boxes because remember those?! Land like a cat ... got it. Thanks for the Cookie Monster love :)

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  2. Only you. Which is why I love you!!

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    1. Thanks, Steph. Everyone is great at something, right? I'm really great at having a ridiculous life ;-)

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  3. Doesn't every girl have a pair of Cookie Monster undies I mean really?? ;)
    You are so freaking funny love it!

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    1. Thanks, Alma! Seriously, everyone needs a pair.

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