|Proof? Stripper snood, Hot for Teacher Specs, Flashdance sweatshirt|
However, sometimes opportunities just drop in your lap. Or rather, in someone else's lap.
(Wasn't that the best lap dance segue ever?)
(Are there enough lap dance segues to declare a best lap dance segue?)
(Now I totally want to google lap dance segues but I'm scared to.)
(Because something tells me the search might yield a different kind of lap dance segue than I'm looking for.)
(Of course I'm totally picturing lap dances that involve:
|This is totally what you were picturing too, right?|
I was at JCPenney, where all my accidental stripping/exotic dancing takes place. Proof? Here is one of my facebook statuses from 2011:
The correct order to exiting the fitting room at JC Penney is: shirt on, coat on, open door. A slight deviation in that order and you have to add the step: freak out as you make a sound that is a cross between a yelp of horror and the words, "I forgot my shirt!" P.S. In spite of my peep show, the doorbusters were awesome.
I was perusing the clearance racks with Black Friday-like intensity (because that's how I roll) when I turned and tripped over a person sitting by a display of shirts. I totally didn't see this person at.all. They came out of nowhere.
I fell in the most graceful way possible, grunting, "OOOOPH!" as I stuck my chest right in their face, and, as I was trying to break my fall, flailed with a fervency that only encouraged this person's up close and personal encounter with my heaving bosom. (Maybe if I wasn't so focused on that clearance rack maybe they wouldn't have had to be so focused on mine.)(Vocal rimshot.)(You're welcome.)
My decline of awesomeness continued I grabbed their stomach to slow my descent and landed fully across their lap like maybe I needed some discipline. I was unleashing a frenzied stream of "OhmygoshdudeI'msosorrydudeareyouokay?" before I was even at a complete stop. This poor person was frozen in shock, probably more horrified than I was. They wouldn't even answer me.
From my prostrate position, I took a steadying breath and glanced up.
My accidental lap dance customer?
|Cheapster didn't even tip. Not even a "thank you."|