Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

An Accidental Lap Dance. At JCPenney.

I'm sure that when most people see me they immediately think, "Daaaang, she coulda killed it as an exotic dancer."  This is especially true if one has seen me dance. (Signature moves include:  the Running Man, the Roger Rabbit, and, of course, the Sway and Clap to the necessary beats (um, all of them).)

Proof?  Stripper snood, Hot for Teacher Specs, Flashdance sweatshirt
Now, just because life has gifted me the killer bod and sweet moves to be able to flourish in that industry does not mean I've ever had an inkling to pursue it.

However, sometimes opportunities just drop in your lap. Or rather, in someone else's lap.

(Wasn't that the best lap dance segue ever?)

(Are there enough lap dance segues to declare a best lap dance segue?)

(Now I totally want to google lap dance segues but I'm scared to.)

(Because something tells me the search might yield a different kind of lap dance segue than I'm looking for.)

(Of course I'm totally picturing lap dances that involve:

This is totally what you were picturing too, right?

I was at JCPenney, where all my accidental stripping/exotic dancing takes place. Proof? Here is one of my facebook statuses from 2011:

The correct order to exiting the fitting room at JC Penney is: shirt on, coat on, open door. A slight deviation in that order and you have to add the step: freak out as you make a sound that is a cross between a yelp of horror and the words, "I forgot my shirt!" P.S. In spite of my peep show, the doorbusters were awesome.

I was perusing the clearance racks with Black Friday-like intensity (because that's how I roll) when I turned and tripped over a person sitting by a display of shirts.  I totally didn't see this person at.all.  They came out of nowhere.

I fell in the most graceful way possible, grunting, "OOOOPH!" as I stuck my chest right in their face, and, as I was trying to break my fall, flailed with a fervency that only encouraged this person's up close and personal encounter with my heaving bosom. (Maybe if I wasn't so focused on that clearance rack maybe they wouldn't have had to be so focused on mine.)(Vocal rimshot.)(You're welcome.)

My decline of awesomeness continued I grabbed their stomach to slow my descent and landed fully across their lap like maybe I needed some discipline. I was unleashing a frenzied stream of "OhmygoshdudeI'msosorrydudeareyouokay?" before I was even at a complete stop. This poor person was frozen in shock, probably more horrified than I was. They wouldn't even answer me.

From my prostrate position, I took a steadying breath and glanced up.

My accidental lap dance customer?

Cheapster didn't even tip.  Not even a "thank you."


  1. Laughing. Out. Loud. I always stop paying attention in stores and back into manequins, freak out and scream because I'm startled, and make the entire surrounding area think that they are either on an episode of Jackass or the reality show version of Taken.

    Hopefully you're not too worse for wear. I, too, have walked out of changing rooms without a shirt and once with my maxi skirt tucked into my panties. It was a good day.

    1. If men knew these things, changing rooms could put strip clubs out of business. Also, my brain did this with your comment: 1. read "maxi skirt" as "maxi pad", 2. pictured a DOG as per your recent post, 3. pictured you leaving a dressing room with a dog stuck to your tush. It was more a WTHeck? visual than a kinky visual, so don't worry, this comment totally won't be awkward AT.ALL.

    2. I would hope that any maxi pads are always tucked into my panties. That's the goal anyways. Sometimes we humans fall short. I did used to carry my dog around inside my sweatshirt when it got really cold because Mr. max couldn't produce his own body heat. So yea, not awkward at all.

    3. I immediately read "maxi pad" too. Hahahah!

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  3. This whole post had me DYING...your story, as we'll as the replies!!

  4. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.


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