Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

"Hey yo fat girl, c'mere are ya ticklish?" - Shock G

All right!
Stop whatcha doin'
'cause I'm about to ruin
the image and the style that ya used to.
I look funny
but yo I'm makin' money see
so yo world I hope you're ready for me.
Now gather round
I'm the new fool in town
and my sound's laid down by the Underground.
(radio edit)
And all the rappers in the top ten--please allow me to bump thee.
I'm steppin' tall, y'all,
and just like Humpty Dumpty
you're gonna fall when the stereos pump me.
I like to rhyme,
I like my beats funky,
I'm spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy.
I'm sick wit dis, straight gangsta mack
but sometimes I get ridiculous
I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice
hey yo fat girl, c'mere--are ya ticklish?
-excerpts from the poetry that is the "Humpty Dance", circa 1990
Just go ahead and read the caption under the picture.  It really sets the tone.  I'll wait.

So this is where it gets real, sistafriends.  I may or may not have had a major freak out attack exhibited a teensy bit of concern over my Sunday weigh in.  It was not pretty.  I knew my pants were getting tight, but sheesh.

I guess if weight loss is basic math, where consistently eating fewer calories results in weight loss, then the opposite is also true.  Consistently eating more calories makes you gain weight.  And the Holiday Season practically dared me to eat more calories.  Consistently.  Like, "Hey, I'm a Christmas cookie, a special entity that only exists within this comparitively short season ... better eat me now.  Do you know what I would taste good with?  Fudge.  Fudge that the eight year olds in your Bible study made all by themselves. And when the youth of 'Murica show initiative with such a productive endeavor, it is the socially responsible thing to encourage them by partaking in their product.  It takes a village, Kelly." 

Also, if you maybe, say, traumatically injure your calf in such a way that it would be damaging to run  walk  frequent the gym with any regularity over the holiday season, then, well, perfect storm.

So here I am, two weeks into the new year with the same goal as the rest of the western world = to go from jiggly to jiggy* (*per Urban Dictionary definition #2.3 meaning "an exclamation that means "Sweet!" or "Tiiiiiight!")(You're welcome.)

So far all has been as expected.  I'm in that hellish period where my brain and emotions need to jump on board with my will to understand that we don't snack all day long just because we are feeling mad/sad/pouty/glad/happy/lazy/supercrazy/or any other way.  I've discovered a previously unknown love for tea because it takes a long time to drink because it is not as delicious as International Delight Mocha Iced Coffee and gives my hands and mouth something to do when I really want to just nosh.

I've also resorted back to the public food journal.  It can be found under the tab at the top called "My Pie Hole".

(Rules for reading my food journal include but are not limited to:
1.  You may judge me for how many carbs I eat/ how few vegetables I ingest/ my Taco Bell consumption/ the idea that I think Iced Capp is a food group.
2.  You may not express to me your judgement of how many carbs I eat/ how few vegetables I ingest/ my Taco Bell consumption/ the idea that I think Iced Capp is a food group.)

(Also, please don't model your diet after mine.  It is far from perfect.  Perfect would be if I had a Tim Horton's in my house.  If you want to know more about my food intake philosophy, I wrote a fairly coherent post called How To Lose 100 Pounds - Nosh Edition.)  (Plus?  There are before/after pics, which are always fun.)

My return to the gym has been fantastic.  I've gotten several surprise martial arts moves in as I've had to fight people -who only show up in the month of January- to get a spot in Ab Lab.  (Don't worry, I fight dirty and always get my spot - hoorah.) I took a kettle bell class and was all, "Dude, this is a wussy waste of time.  I'll stick to my kettle bell clean and press during weight training."  Fast forward to the next day and I was all, "Holy Glutes, Batman. Swinging that 50 lb  20 lb kettle bell actually did some damage."  Then I took back all the nasty wussy names I called kettle bells.

My running has steadily improved.  My last intervals were up to a half mile run/ one minute walk for 30 minutes with no calf pain or tightness.  I've decided to do a half marathon in October instead of April so that I don't rush recovery.  I have time to get back to where I was without any pressure and that's awesome.

Speaking of pressure, I attended a yoga class where I'm pretty sure the instructor expected us to dislocate our shoulders in order to accomplish some cuh-razy pose.  I was all, "Seriously?  Yeah, that's not gonna happen."  I cemented this inner vow by blowing a giant bubble with my gum, which apparently is not encouraged in yoga class.  We also did dolphin pose repeatedly, which makes me feel like I should have brought a rape whistle.  The instructor said soothing things like, "You should really feeeeeeel your hamstrings streeeeetch," and I was all, "I really feeeeeeel vulnerable with my tush so reeeeeaadily available and my arms now completely nuuuuuuumb and useless."  I kept this all in my head, of course, because I'm considerate of others who are feeeeeeling their hamstrings streeeeeetch.

A Sublurban Mama announcement:  While I am concentrating on getting myself back in shape I will only be posting on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Somethings got to give so I can have more time to workout and sleep, and I'm pretty sure letting go of my responsibilities to my children is illegal.  Similarly, I really love Brian and don't want to get divorced, so I still need to focus some time and energy on him.  So, my dear readers, please bear with me as I take it from a five day a week posting to a three day a week posting. In the wise words of Stacy Ann Ferguson, better known by her stage name of Fergie, I need to "be up in the gym just workin on my fitness."  And she knows because she is Fergalicious.

As soon as I post some killer new before/after pics you will see that it is totally worth it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that ... right?


  1. Best of luck in your endeavors! I started Weight Watchers on Monday and have the goal to lose 40 lbs this year, which is totally doable. ....if I can stay away from the peanut butter filled pretzels at Trader Joes.

    1. Best of luck to you, Katie! You can do 40 lbs. And the pretzels? For me it's (surprise!) Tim freaking Hortons. If I can limit my consumption to Tuesdays I'll be golden.

  2. Dolphin pose? Yeah, I had to google it. Looks awful, like the evil horrible twin of downward dog. I do love me some yoga though. Good luck on your weight loss endeavor!!

    1. The evil horrible twin of downward dog is EXACTLY right. I think that's actually the official description (or at least it's what I'm saying it is from now on; don't worry, I'll totally credit you)(much in the same way I credit Urban Dictionary whenever I "borrow" info from them)(I'll be all, "Danielle says ...")

  3. I loved all of this, but the Yoga Chronicles the best, I think. :)

    1. Thanks, Steph! I love me some yoga.

  4. That is the kind of iced coffee I had whenever commented on my blog last :) Verrrry addictive. Although, I haven't had iced coffee since (until this very moment while reading your blog...fate?) it still holds a place in my heart.

    And yeah, sometimes in Yoga I have to give WTF face. This girl ain't getting in or out of plow pose, so let's not even try.

    I would love to try ab lab at my Y some time. Those kettlebells sound serious. I had the kind of Pilates class where it was crazy and for the next couple of days I have to give myself a pep talk everytime I want to go up the stairs.

    1. lol at the pep talk. I love those kinds of classes. I never push myself that much on my own.

      Mmmmmm, Iced Coffee ...


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