Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, July 9, 2012

I Punched Goodwill IN THE THROAT

I don't know who these guys are, but they
probably spent the day trying on clothes
together.  And one of them probably made
a completely inappropriate comment in the
form of a musical number. A la Glee.
Remember my Captain Crabbypants day?  The day I completely threw in the towel, ditched the fam, and went shopping by myself?  Usually spending any kind of money cheers me up, which is the main reason I love grocery shopping. It's the only time I drop more than a hundred bucks and hubby happily anticipates the goods I'm bringing home.  (He exhibited none of that same joy when I showed him my TYR swimsuit and Speedo goggles which were around the same price.)

Lately I've been aware that we have four kiddos, I'm a SAHM contributing nothing to our bank account (in a concrete "here's some actual cash" way, chill out SAHM activists), and I've chosen one of the more expensive sports as a hobby.  (I just started and erased an overwhelming list of triathlon equipment.  Even going "bare bones" - not a euphemism - I'm not doing my tri naked this year or anything - the equipment essentials add up.)  So when I take off "just to shop" I am mindful that we have legit family needs, and they don't include a super cute pair of strappy jeweled sandals for Mama. (I feel okay about this because I'm pretty sure a Navy Seal wouldn't be caught dead in those jeweled sandals.)(Because Seals are much more practical than that.)(They would probably like Teva Sandals.)(Which I also want.)

So my "spree" started at JC Penney, solidifying that I am thoroughly a suburban mom.  I really wanted some sleeveless, wicking, workout shirts.  Anyone pear shaped (ahem, me) knows that buying fitted shirts is not the easiest thing in the world.  Tops that fit in the chest and shoulders are a bit snug in the waist.  This is not a popular look, especially when the shirt is to be worn with fitted workout bottoms.  I mean, I'msexyandIknowit, (Haha! You are totally singing!  And THAT'S how you control minds) but it's really not fair to tempt the whole human race with the visual treat that is me looking like a stuffed sausage I can't breathe in my workout gear.  (Also, you'd be all, "Hey Kel, how are your four kiddos?  And I'd be all, "Hey Creeper, how did you know I have four kiddos?"  And you'd be all, "Because of your awesome baby gut."  And I'd be all, "Dude," with my head hung in shame.) In that situation nobody wins.  

I left JCP empty-handed, feeling discouraged but not beaten down.  Target was next on the list and Target never disappoints.

Until that day.

You know when everything you try on only emphasizes your huge tush problem areas?  And you even experiment with different sizes and you're like holy elephant arms that's not very flattering either.  And then you remember you are going to be working out in these clothes so you try to mimic the worst workout positions you might be observed in while sweating enough to fill a kiddie pool, all while sporting (haha) this attire, and that totally doesn't help. So I left Target without wicking shirts (after inhaling a personal pan pizza from the food court).  (Because nothing puffs up self-esteem (and your body) like eating fatty foods alone in Target on a Saturday.)

The next stop was Goodwill because obviously I had given up on workout gear at that point.  Now I just wanted something cheap and pretty, which I'm pretty sure is the same root desire that keeps hookers employed.  (Or maybe not.  Because I've seen a few episodes of COPS and cheap hookers aren't known for their looks.)  I grabbed a few tops and dresses and went into the changing room.

Nothing fit.  (Although, speaking of hookers, I did try on a dress that would be excellent if I ever decided to do porn.  The HECK, Goodwill, this isn't Lover's Lane.)  I realize I may have been a tad overly critical at this point,  but seriously, everything I tried on was off.  You know, in a completely non-paradox kind of way.  I'm just saying things didn't fit well.  I'm not trying to blow your mind. Purposely.

I left the fitting room and continued my fruitless effort through the store.  Remember how I love to meet new people?  I made eye contact with a gentleman who was singing along to the overhead music (which admittedly already makes him pretty awesome) but I wanted to punch him in the throat when I realized he was singing along to Big Girls Don't Cry.  At me.  Clearly.

At this point, even in Goodwill I had no goodwill for anyone/thing.  It was time to leave.

"Geez, Kel, did anything go right?"

Yes.  I bought a super cute change purse at Plato's Closet because accessories always fit. Okay, maybe I did find a top that I wore to church the next day that got a ton of compliments but it seems a pretty anti-climatic end to my Crabbypants day.  Or maybe a super redemptive end.  Okay, so I totally got a super cute shirt and then rocked a FIVE MILE RUN at the gym and then we went to Sonic for dinner where I stayed within my calorie limit.  And that part was awesome.

The End.

What's your best thrift store find?


  1. Your fascination with Navy Seals cracks me up!!!

    Great job on the file mile run AND staying within your calorie limits!!


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