Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Friday, March 29, 2013

The Only Logical Conclusion

I heard an urban legend once about a woman who found mushrooms growing in her bathroom.  And by urban legend I mean it happened yesterday in my master bath.  In my defense, we have a leaking shower door, and I found the fungi when I was experimenting with how easy it would be to remove the door without Brian divorcing me for ruining more of our house with my "ideas" that usually stem from some inspiring thing I pinned from Pinterest that require more skill to complete than I possess and replace it with a fancy shower curtain. When I slightly unscrewed the door from the frame and bent it back a little I discovered that there is approximately four inches of now corroded and sludge-filled aluminum framing that my cleaning implements have never reached.  This has become a safe haven for the mire that collects from four years of daily showering.  It has also been a perfect breeding ground for mold and/or nasty little mushrooms that yes, would look adorbs in a fairy scene, but are the nastiest.things.evah. when found not only in your home, but in the place you go to get clean.

I immediately stopped cleaning and started googling contractors, because I'm pretty sure the only way to handle that situation is to do a complete remodel.

Then Esther, in a fantastic display of noise and destruction, grabbed on to the curtains in the living room and swung her full kindergarten body weight from them.  She was all, "I'M HAVING A CIRCUS!" and then freaked the heck out when her performance ripped the front window curtains and rod completely out of the wall.  Homegirl even bent the anchors that were holding them in place.  Because we homeschool, I'm calling it a chance physics lesson, and am using this as yet another example of why homeschooling works, y'all.

Last week I called Brian in a panic because something is in our attic and you'd better come home and kill it because if you don't I'm leaving with the kids because I'm not waiting around here for what I'm pretty sure is a pterodactyl to claw it's way through the ceiling and find me and eat my face off.  Brian thought I was being "ridiculous" and maybe a bit "dramatic" and maybe even questioned the validity of my claim that there was even anything really in the attic.  Could it perhaps just be the hail outside pounding on the roof?  Um, unless hail responds to me banging on the ceiling with my broom and yelling, "DUDE!  GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" by ceasing to claw/chew the attic framework and scurrying (*gag*) away from my aggressive broom wielding, then, no, it wasn't just the hail.

Two nights ago Brian and I were in bed at the end of a long day when right above our heads I heard our little friend.  I waited silently, and sure enough, Brian finally conceded that he heard it as well but it was probably just a little mouse or a rabid squirrel that was trying to enter the master bedroom in order to eat my face off. I got the heeby-jeebies and clung to Brian until he got up and hit the ceiling with a plastic hanger and the rabid squirrel mouse was all, "Yes, Mommy Dearest" and ran away.  Five minutes later it came back because apparently whatever is directly over our bed is delicious.  (I put in ear plugs so I could sleep because it was the freakiest thing ever.)(I'm just saying that if I wanted to live among nature I would sleep in the woods.)(Preferably in the Great Smoky Mountains.)(Because it's gorgeous there.)(And warmer than Michigan.)(But they don't have Tim Hortons.)(So that's why I live here.)

After all the perils of a life spent owning this house I've decided the only logical conclusion is to move.  Because if we stay we have to deal with all the above problems and this one from almost a year ago:

"Kel, no way is the Super Nanny hole still in the wall."
Believe it, my friend.  And with the original piece of paper still covering it up.
#lazy #busy
Anyone want to buy a house?  Rabid squirrel is thrown in for free.  You're welcome.

(Some more "housekeeping" *giggle*.  Someday soon the doomsday prophets have foretold that Google Reader will be gone.  I love and appreciate dearly every one of my readers and don't want to lose anyone.  I've signed up with Bloglovin and you can follow me there.  It's as easy as a click on the button.  Will you do it for me?  Pretty please and thank you.)

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  1. It might be a raccoon. We had a raccoon in our attic once. And then there was the time that we have 40+ doves and sparrows in our attic because they snuck in through a hole under the eaves. I'm normally cool with bird. But the middle of the night, the flapping of 80 wings is terrifying and very Hitchcock. Yeesh.

    That said, the mushrooms totally warrant moving. I wouldn't want to clean them either. I would rather just start over.

    1. RACCOON?!?! That is so much scarier than a rabid squirrel. Or a pterodactyl. Do you know what skeeves me out? When you see like THOUSANDS of birds in a field and they all fly away at the same time in the same direction. It's like a little bird army ready to take over the world. And they could do it, because, you know, "The early bird gets the worm" and all that.

  2. Wow shrooms and rabid squirrels life is never boring is it... and OMG I can totally picture the living room circus and can't stop the snort of laughter and also wonder how I have gotten so lucky and that not happen to me yet!

    Hope you have a great Easter

    1. Sometimes I dream of a boring day. Every so often I get one ;-) I can't believe sweet little DQ hasn't performed a circus for you yet ... don't worry, there's time ;-)
      Happy Easter to you and your fam!

  3. You remind me so much of the Blogess. You are hilarious and adorable.

    1. This made my freaking day. Jenny is my idol. Someday I hope to become a millionaire writing about life's ridiculousness and inspire everyone to buy giant metal chickens and name them after pop stars. Or just become a millionaire. Thanks, Kate!

  4. Replies
    1. Thanks, Jenn! I said "syrup" like you all weekend, so, like, you're pretty famous in my house right now. Those are some serious bragging rights right there. ;-)


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