Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Batting A Thousand

"You Oughtta Know, Dave."

You know that day when you are the World's Best Mother?  Your kid (Eve) is going spazz-nuts-bonkers and throwing some huge tantrum over a supreme injustice involving the wrong color tights to wear to church, and you calmly step in and redirect her. But not before having a heart to heart where you really bond. And a Major Life Lesson is received under the light background strains of 90's sitcom Conflict Resolution music.  It is a very Full House moment.

That totally happened to me.  I was the World's Best Mother.


Two more tantrums.  From two more children.  All within the twenty minutes we had left to get ready to go to church.

Being the upstanding Christian woman I am, I lost my stuff.

Twenty minutes later I found myself in a silent and tension filled minivan, cuh-razy embarrassed over *my* tantrum which probably included the phrases (yelled, of course) "WHY CAN'T WE EVER JUST GO TO CHURCH IN PEACE?" and "FINE! DON'T BE NICE TO YOUR SISTER.  HAVE FUN TALKING TO JESUS ABOUT THAT!" and, my personal favorite, "WHAT AM I, YOUR MO- ... (scrambling thoughts, because yeah, um, I totally am your mom) I AM NOT THE MAID!"

I sneaked a peek at Brian who was driving us to church.  He was just chilled out, driving the van like nothing had happened.  I risked a tiny, "Sorry I was a jerk."  And louder still, to the occupants of the back seats, "Sorry Mama was mean and threw a fit."  They all forgave me because my family is awesome even when they treat me like the maid.  Then Brian turned to me and said,

"Kel, what you did with Eve's tantrum was great.  That was spot on.  You handled that perfectly.  The other two ... well, you need to work on that.  If you were a baseball player your batting average would be .333, which is pretty decent.  Especially in the majors.  So don't beat yourself up too much.  You have a professional level batting average. You are a Major League Mom and you are by far the best speller in the family  and you're right, I shouldn't hang my dirty clothes on the bed post."

That.  That is why I married him.



  1. You sound like you're almost through your jedi training for tantrum resolution. God help me when I have kids. I'm already a fairly absurd person. Put a tiny screaming person who is equally absurd in front of us and it will probably end with both of us in tears. Or me yelling something like, "You people are animals! ANIMALS!"

    Grace and style, always.

    1. Every time I think I've finally figured out parenting, a child opens their mouth. For real.

      And they *are* animals. ALL OF THEM.

  2. LOL! I love this! But seriously, tights are no joking matter.

  3. What is it about Sunday mornings!?

    1. Ohmylanta, RIGHT?!?! Jesus take the wheel ...


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