Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Facebook Friday: The "I Rule at Parenting" Edition

"Hey, Kel, that hole in the wall looks a lot like your foot."
What could have caused that hole?

I am so thankful for my precious kiddos who continually drive me insane, make me laugh, and help me grow.  Like, literally.  I grew 55 pounds with Hosanna alone.

Facebook has recorded some of my best parenting moments in history the last few years.  I've decided to highlight a few of them in a segment I'm calling Facebook Friday/ Photographic Evidence Friday. Completely original and alliterate(d).* (Also a bit like an episode of CSI focused on a Facebook serial killer.) (But this is nothing like that.) (There is way less blood.) I also don't know if I can call this a true segment because it might never reappear. But it also might. Because I've obviously spent a lot of time planning out my blog and staying consistent to a true form.  Here are some of my Facebook Statuses involving my poor kiddos and the parenting they will describe in therapy with loving memory someday.

On nutrition:

"No chocolate cake until you finish your hot dog."  Yet another merit badge on my Mom-of-the-Year sash.  It's next to the badge for "Ketchup is a fruit."

A recent (and VERY scientific) study has concluded that you can feed your children Kashi and fresh fruit for a month straight, but no one will ask, "What did you have for breakfast?" until your child can answer truthfully, "Chocolate milk and a Pop Tart."

On behavior:

Took the kids to Walmart this morning.  In their jammies.  Clutching McDonald's apple juice boxes. And gave out gum to stop a tantrum.  Don't judge me.

A very angry toddler just threw a book at my head.  The title?  For Kids Only: A Daily Devotional on Self-Control.

I've decided today that any parenting refereeing will be decided based solely on the outcome of a cage match. (Best response: "I've got $5 on Hosanna." - Cassie)

On teachable moments:

Warning:  Over-sharing to your toddler may lead to your toddler over-sharing to complete strangers at the grocery store.  This includes any information you may think your child will need at some point of their life - like the occurrence and definition of a "verp."

All day we've been practicing, "What does Esther say?"  "Yes, Ma'am!"  and now to show Papa. "Esther, what does a cow say?"  "Moo."  "What does a frog say?"  "Ribbit."  "What does Esther say?"  "Not d*mn it!"  Training time well spent.

Eve, looking at the Statue of Liberty. "Is that the American Idol?"

On provision:

Just added to the list of Conversations I Never Thought I'd Initiate:  "Honey, when your underpants are this tight, let Mama know so I can buy you a bigger pair."  (Best response?  "If only Richard Simmons mother had the foresight to have that same conversation." - Erin)

But thankfully, just when I start to feel like the worst.parent.ever (like the time I made Hosanna go on the Iron Dragon even though she begged not to ride for the 45 minutes we were on line and cried during and after the ride) I just go visit the internet.  And the internet tells me I doing better than some.  So thank you, Internet.

Have a great weekend and I'll see you Monday!

*I keep going back and forth with this one.  "Alliterate" - do I go for the easy joke about you wondering if I really meant to write "illiterate" which would be a totally ironic mistake, or should I just leave it alone and have you blown away by my vocabulary skillz?  Asterisk = best of both worlds.


  1. Thanks for laughs, and more importantly, thanks for making me feel like an AWESOME mom!!

    PS: I totally got "alliteration" and WAS subsequently impressed because that is not a word used very often these days. Well done, ma'am.

    1. I read a book about a girl who grew up homeless and very neglected but ended up at Harvard despite all the opposition. After I read that, whenever I felt like a bad mom I would think, "At least I've never sold their bikes for crack." (Whatever works, right?)("Whatever works = more alliteration. Score.)


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