Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Stalkers Make Great Friends Because They're Both Loyal and Committed

Weirdest trail ride ever.

To be fair, I've only been on two trail rides, which considerably ups the odds for bypassing the current slot holder with the most bizarre happenings gone down.  The last one, where I won the X-Games, now pulls a distant second after a ride that had it's route diverted by 1500 Statues of Liberty and ended with a confrontation with the police.*

*I am probably being a bit melodramatic.  Although I was technically yelling, it was all in context.  And maybe it's completely inaccurate a bit of a stretch to imply I was yelling at the police when it was more in their general direction.

A 15 mile bike ride seems like a grand accomplishment, but I'm realizing that if it's a leisurely ride it's not that big of a deal. (Until the next morning when you sit down and your tush says, "Dude, careful.  You biked 15 miles yesterday.  And if you've forgotten I will remind you every time you try to sit down.") 

But Kelly, you must be thinking, you are such a hardcore athlete.  Why would you ruin a long bike ride with mediocre effort?  Good question.  I blame it specifically on the fact that I had to dismount no less than seven times to duck under all the caution tape that blocked off the trail. 

This is a good time to ponder that I never thought of actually heeding the caution tape.  I saw it and was like, "That's where I need to go.  I mapped it."  Plus? Caution tape is like a mall cop; visual authority but no firearm to back it.  Also? Navy Seals vs. Caution Tape? (DID I EVEN JUST WRITE THAT?)

"Um, Kelly, why was there so much caution tape on the back woods secluded trails? Weren't you concerned about the hideous murder spree crime scene it was surely containing?" Great question that I never asked myself because I was in such a bad mood  so focused on getting the job done. Because I'm an athlete.  Possible death and dismemberment from the psychopath still hiding in the woods never even crossed my mind.  Instead I just took the blocked trails as a personal offense and grumbled about the inconvenience.  The most I questioned the first set of caution tape was, "Dude, THE HECK?"   (Street smarts - I have them.) 

Around mile three I came upon a golf cart and my new best friends.  They were two city workers, who, at 6:30 a.m. were already a little in the bag.  Maybe.  Or they were just some of those perpetually giddy/slaphappy people that ride around on golf carts yelling to anyone crushing it on the trails.

City Worker: GOOD MORNING!
Kelly: HEY! (I'm really quick first thing in the morning) (Also I yelled it a bit flamboyantly.  I don't know why.) Then, realizing they were setting up giant mile marker flags, I remembered, "Duh - it's the local town's 5K and 10K today.  And I'm riding on the course. The caution tape totally makes sense now."

I decided to detour from the trail to hurry and do the part of my ride mapped around the start of the run so I could be clear of all the running traffic later on.  It was about 2 miles away.  There, far from the scene of the first meeting, I was greeted by my new best friends who, still in their golf cart, guffawed at me.

Kelly: NOPE. (Still quick, not as flamboyant.)

We proceeded to cross paths twice more, each meeting more exuberant but still as witty as before. They yelled things like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER HERE?" and "AREN'T YOU DONE YET?" (I dropped a "HA-HA" which is like a real life version of lol, and a "DUDE!" which shouldn't surprise anyone.  I'm like the most boring new best friend these guys have ever had.)  But the final meeting went down like this:

My new best friends were in their golf cart stopped at an intersection, talking to a cop where he was busy shutting down the road for the races.  When I came near, they both stood up in the golf cart and cheered. (Did you catch that, X-Games Trail Ride with your imaginary fans and imaginary cheering?)


And then we all laughed, because, well, you kinda had to be there.  But I felt a bit redeemed.

At that point all I had to do was bike home, but I was greeted by a glorious sight.  It was like Bonus Weirdness, a gift that I will never take for granted.  Because just when you've been blessed by golf cart best friends, you will look up and see 1500 people dressed as the Statue of Liberty gathering to begin a foot race.  And you might tear up a bit because you are premenstrual liberty is a beautiful thing.
LIBERTY, y'all.


  1. Excellent use of strikeouts. :-) And I've never seen such an amazing group of label tags. (Mountain biking, premenstrual, weird crap that only happens to me)

    1. Thanks Brad, I think the strikeout tool is a bit addictive. And I'm pretty sad I don't have it on Facebook. Or Pinterest. Or in a thought bubble above my head in real life. As for the labels, I obviously rule at summarizing. ;-) Thanks for reading!

  2. I love you, Kelly!!! LOLOL! Congrats on the epic trail ride! :)

  3. Again....don't know you.....I'll be that stalker--such a great writer you are though! And yes--the labels are quite impressive and sometimes I have to set myself a limit on how many strike-outs I can use per post because they're like writing crack.

    1. "Writing crack" - I LOVE it! Haha


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