Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

"I was running." - Forrest Gump (Part Two)

Another blast from the past: Written October 17, 2010. Mommies with um, incontinence issues - you're welcome.

If you missed the last blog entry, let me catch you up to speed: I'm at my running class attempting to run two miles for the third time, it's raining, and I just ate a bug. Lest you think eating a bug was the low point of the run, I'm going to bring you into the monologue of my thought life during the rest of that run.

Dude. Seriously. A bug? I've got to keep my mouth closed. But how can I breathe with my mouth closed? Dude. Seriously. (Yes, I realize this is my personal verbal tic and it makes me sound like a frat boy, but just be glad it's not a line from The Office, or worse, a Jim Carrey impression.) At least this side of the pond is relatively "bug free." I'm keeping my eyes OPEN from now- (thought is interrupted as I sneeze)

OH MY GOSH. I think I just peed a little.

(Panic setting in as I assess the situation) I TOTALLY just peed. I wonder if it's showing. Should I stop running to check? No, then they would know why I'm stopping. (Then, feeling SUPER defensive) Well, I just had a BABY, they can cut me some slack. (At this point we can acknowledge I have no idea who "they" are.) (Still defensive, monologue continues) I should be given major points just for being here. I'm still wearing my Maternity Sweatpants* for crying out loud.

(*this is not true. My "Maternity Sweatpants" are really just the pair of "Fat Sweatpants" that every normal woman owns and wears once a month, with the exception of December, at which they are worn with increased frequency until January 1, when a vow is made never to wear them again. Calling my "Fat Sweatpants" "Maternity Sweatpants" simply justifies them as a viable wardrobe option for several consecutive months. If you do not own "Fat Sweatpants" you need to hit up Target. If it makes you feel better you may purchase "Fat Yoga Pants" which seem much hipper but serve the same purpose.)

Okay, so I tinkled. A Navy Seal would keep going. A Navy Seal could LOSE A LEG and keep going. I'm like a baby Navy Seal. (You can go ahead and laugh, but I was completely serious, and the thought totally cheered me up.) At least the rain stopped. Although running in the rain IS pretty hardcore and Navy Seal-ish. If my *accident* shows I can always blame it on the rain.

This is where my head turns into an episode of Glee and my thoughts are filled with me, in Hammer pants, singing my own Milli Vanilli medley beginning with, you guessed it, Blame it on the Rain.

Blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah. Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah. (switching songs, stay with me) So in love girl. And this is true. Girl you know it's true. G-G-G-Girl. (song abruptly ends) I wonder what happened to my New Kids on the Block peace sign necklace? The last time I had it was in the first Royal Oak house. Oh, Dude. Here comes THE HILL. I wonder if there is a way to get to run down the hill without having to run up it first. What I really need is a Teleporter for running. Then I could be teleported to the top of the hill. That would be awesome. Actually I think all of running should get to be an out of body experience. That way you could enjoy the fruit of running without actually having to feel any of it. Genius.

I realized this thought pretty much sums up my current feelings about running. Some people really LOVE running. I'm finding I really LOVE being finished with a run. Until the invention of Runner Teleportation I'm going to have to be content to run with just me and my thoughts.

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