I got found out. Go ahead and judge me. I'm not who you think I am, after all.

I honestly thought I could get away with it. It would be my own private dirty secret, and no one would be any wiser. Life would go on, I would be my normal self on the outside, while inside I held tightly to the truth, lest anyone discover what a hypocrite I am.

But then Brian confronted me Saturday night.




"Kel, what is this?" he chastised gently from across the kitchen. I looked up, guilt in my heart and fear in my eyes as I prepared to suffer through this dreaded conversation.

"Honey, I ... I don't know what to say."

"Please just tell me this isn't what I think it is." I hung my head in shame. How many times had I sworn I wouldn't do it? How many times had I made fun of those who made the choice themselves? How many times had I argued against it? Didn't I have, in the very annals of Sublurban Mama, written declaration of my stance against this very thing? I quickly blurted out my defense.

"I know. I just caved to the desire for a ... a change in my life. You can understand that, right, Babe? Besides, I'm making BLT's later this week and I might die if I eat another lettuce wrap."

So hyprocrite. Many ashamed. Much full of delicious BLT on actual bread.

Yes ... yes, that is Ezekiel bread you see in my house. Yes, I paid an astronomical amount for it because BLT's. And yes, the truth will find you out, my friend. So there you have it folks. Please, keep the rude emails to a minimum. I promise I'll be less hasty with my life-stance declarations in the future. (And I'll wait at least a week before getting my "Sprouted Wheat 4 Lyfe" tattoo.)

A Cottage Vacation to recover from my California Vacation

THE BEACH IS SO MUCH FUN!!!

Never has a Friday felt less like a Friday in my whole.entire.life.  I don't even mind because the reason this Friday feels so crazy is that it is the last (okay, let's be honest - only) prep day I have before the Great Cottage Get-Away of 2013.

Today I will be doing all the laundry, packing a week's worth of crap for four kiddos and myself, and stuffing beach/cottage gear wherever it will fit in the Ford Flex.  Because we are a charming food allergy family, I will also be making a last minute trip to Whole Foods to buy $10 allergen-free marshmallows so Hosanna can have s'mores because I care about her childhood.  I will also make a pit stop at the bike shop because Eve's back tire completely blew out on our trip to Target yesterday*.

*If you ever think, "Dude, it's so gorgeous out right now.  It's normally so much fun to take four kids to Target, but I bet that trip could be improved upon vastly if we got there solely by the propulsion of our own bodies. A two mile round trip ain't nothin' to a three year old, right?" Quickly remind yourself THAT IS THE WORST IDEA EVER.  While you might tweak that original idea after remembering that you will have carry your purchases home (by adding a wagon for the little ones and allowing your older kiddos to ride their bikes) you will still come stumbling home after TWO HOURS and offer chocolate chip cookies for lunch because mom is now officially insane.

(**Also, an extra peek into my life for free:  I actually said this to my three year old: "Buddy, you don't need your pacifier!  You are a BIG BOY.  Now lay down and sleep because when you wake up we will go to Target and BUY YOU DIAPERS*."

*shut up.  I know he's three.  We are apparently following the "Potty Trained Before High School" Program.

Also, I'm pretty sure he's a genius because my logic of, "no pacifiers because they are all gone" was quickly refuted with the idea "Target has plenty of pacifiers and we are already going there for diapers ..." except he's three and has apraxia so it sounded more like, "Buy nuk-ers Target!")

All this is to say it's been a busy few days.  And since this will be my last post for a week or so, I'm leaving you with some highlights from last year's Great Cottage Get-Away.

*To read about the time LEECHES ATTACKED US, click here.  It's filled with stellar advice and could probably save your life, so really, for your own health and safety, consider what I'm offering you here.

*You can read about how I MEDALED IN THE HAIR OLYMPICS by clicking here.

*To read about  VACATION RUNS (not a blog about poop, promise), click here.

Also? Brian can't come to the cottage this time *insert super sad face* and will be home so burgle us at your own risk.  I will be sans internet for a week, so see y'all Monday, August 5th!

It's What's For Dinner

Just an average family dinner at my house.

It's 6 a.m., so I've obviously got one thing on my mind.

What's for dinner tonight?

Food.  I eat it everyday, so, I'm pretty much a fan.  Everyone has a personal philosophy about food, conscious or otherwise, because they make food decisions several times a day.  Some people even think their ideas about food are the ideas about food for everyone. Since I'm a little funny about others telling me what I should eat (not a pride thing, just a natural consequence of having food allergy kids and being a woman that has lost 100 pounds and is terrified of gaining it back)  I adopt a bit of a free-lovin' hippie-esque view of personal diet.  My current food philosophy is:  everyone is different, discover your needs and your wants, and exercise balance (in your diet, not on the Wii board) (although that's okay, too) (geez, stop being so touchy).

In 2004, a documentary called Super Size Me prompted Brian and I to try thirty days of whole foods, which is as close to clean eating as I have ever done.  We should have known this challenge was doomed from the start, when 45 minutes into a documentary showcasing how revolting the fast food industry is we broke for a Big Mac run.  We committed to the "Whole Foods Challenge" on a whim, even though my idea of healthy food was iceberg lettuce and the occasional apple. I guess you should theoretically know how to cook before you embark on a whole foods diet.  It was my practice to pass over any recipe that started with "chop one onion" because it was too much work.  So, you can see how prepared we were to go all whole foods for a month.

It did not go well.

Starting with the twenty-four ingredient Stuffed Portabella Mushroom Burgers was probably a bad choice.  The menu sounded wonderful to Brian until he came home from work to discover me crying in the kitchen because I was so overwhelmed mostly because I didn't want to touch the mushrooms, and prompt me to leave him with a 19 month old, a 5 month old, and an unfinished recipe while I took a long drive to recover from feeling like the worst wife/mother/chef ever. And maybe stopped to buy myself some "therapy" Subway.

Eventually I learned to cook,  which came in handy when God gave us a child that is allergic to milk.  And eggs.  And peanuts.  And tree nuts.  And sesame seeds.  And berries with seeds on the outside.  And citrus.  And high fructose corn syrup. (Up until that last one you were all, "That's not so bad, we could manage that."  But then I dropped the HFCS bomb and you were like, "WHAAAA?  HOW DO YOU FUNCTION?" I know, right?)

Actually, with that last allergy we are perfectly set up to eat a clean diet.  There is just one problem.  Taco Bell is delicious I am so lazy.  That's not 100% true.  It's more like 75% true. There are so few convenience foods our family can eat that when I discover that generic Fruit Loops are free of any of our families allergens, I'm all (and say it like you are a queen bestowing favor upon the land), "FRUIT LOOPS FOR BREAKFAST FOR EVERYONE!"

Which actually sounds like tonight's plan for dinner.  Full circle.  Done.

Totally not our generic Fruit Loops.  And I am so jealous.  These have an angry eagle throwing up a rainbow of cereal.  It's almost downright patriotic.

Bucket List Update : Whole Foods Recap

Friday night I got all dolled up (i.e. I back combed my hair and put it up) because it was the evening of the great Whole Foods dessert pig-out tasting.  I tried to take a picture of my hair.

Me

Not me.  Pinterest Goal.

What you can't see - the awesome back combing job and twisty-bun thing a la Pinterest that I dominated finally called "done" after a mere 17 minutes of almost cursing because the tutorial looked so flippin' easy, but was a big fat liar.  (And, not to get all hater-like, but where were you, Sister Wives?)




Lauren recently moved into some new digs so I traveled to her side of town to check out the renovations in progress, collect some of her old dance costumes for the girlies, and eat my body weight x10 in calories at Whole Foods, a.k.a. the Pinnacle of Good Health.

My Whole Foods has an amazing hot food bar.  The Whole Foods by Lauren was, bless their hearts ... trying.  There just wasn't much to choose from and I decided I didn't want to waste my calories on something healthy mundane like vegetable soup.  What I really wanted was dessert. We headed to the mecca of chocolate goodness that disguises it's empty calories behind mind-blowingly gorgeous artistic creations that deserve to be eaten, otherwise referred to as the dessert showcase.

It was one of those situations where you are struck dumb by choice.  Not like you are choosing to be struck dumb, but that there are so many good choices you are rendered mute.

Because one of my hidden talents is an insane ability to make vegan baked goods (blame it on the a-a-a-a-llergy kids), I was honestly tempted by vegan chocolate cake.  I was even tempted by vegan carrot cake because any form of sugar can seduce me.

I finally settled on a peanut butter brownie.  Lauren chose a chocolate frosted brownie.  They were both fine choices.

Mad artistic photography skillz.  Stephanie, you should totally be jealous.

Don't worry, we drank skim milk with it, so it was  pretty much diet food.

I felt like such a hipster taking pictures of my food.  But then I realized it wasn't with Instagram, and then I felt like a nerdy suburban mama, so back to reality for me.

Dinner at Whole Foods remains on my bucket list, which means technically I'm pretty much required to go to my WF in order to fulfill this dream.  Otherwise I would be someone who never follows through with their plans.  I can't settle for being that girl.  So really, dinner at WF is a matter of my personal character.  That's what's at stake here.

WE TOTALLY JUST HAD SO MUCH SUGAR!!!!!!!!

Also, another update just for fun:  Remember when I confessed the night I realized my Serial Killer tendencies?  The scene of the crime was in my basement where I was working diligently on a desk for Hosanna.  I totally finished it.

Life before Pinterest.

Life after Pinterest. 

"Hey Kel, did you line the drawers?"
"Heck yes, I did."

Oh, and did you want another random update?  Of course you do.  Here is my bathtub after the Peroxide/Ginger Detox bath.

Just, sick.

And finally, because I can't leave you on that loveliness, here is me after crushing day one of Jillian's 30 Day Shred.

As the days progress, the triumph dims considerably.  But for now - Is that all you got, Jillian?! 

All of these are on my Bucket List*

Did you see what I did here?

Now that my triathlon is accomplished (I have mentioned I did a triathlon, right?) I realized I should tackle some of the other things on my Bucket List.  This really occurred to me while I was in Whole Foods with the kiddos, stocking up for the Great Cottage Get-Away of 2012.  (I love going into WF and purchasing only the following items:  Skinny Pop popcorn, Barney Butter, 3 bags of chocolate chips, marshmallows, boxed macaroni and cheese, freezer waffles, and freezer french toast. It's like the total crap aspect of my purchase is negated by the WF shopping bag.)(Also, WF sells People magazine.  I want to meet the person brazen enough to buy an entertainment gossip magazine - probably printed on massacred trees of the Amazon rainforest using ink from the blood of baby seals - from WF.)

While I was in WF letting the kids consume their daily calories in samples taste a few new treats, we stopped and stared in awe, appreciating anew the dessert showcase.  I realized I have never eaten at WF.  Not the hot bar, not the salad bar, and certainly not the mecca of chocolate goodness that disguises it's empty calories behind mind-blowingly gorgeous artistic creations that deserve to be eaten.   And I thought, "I totally want to eat everything here."  Hence, Summer List #1.  Eat at WF strictly for the dessert.

Another thing I want to do this summer is kayak.  Since I've done well with learning to overcome my fear of lakes, I feel pretty confident that even if I tipped my kayak I wouldn't panic in such a way that would make me seem like an epileptic krumping in the middle of Lake Huron.  Also, since I've lost 105 pounds, I feel I'm less inclined to get wedged firmly with no hope of escape inside the kayak. So, Summer List #2. Go Kayaking.

Summer List #3 is one people have been trying to sell me on for years.  #3.  Go camping.  Every year our church goes on a weekend camping trip.  It's a ton of fun I've heard because I never attend. The kids run free while the adults chill out.  There is swimming, hot dog eating, camp fire visiting (that's where people visit with one another around a campfire, not visiting actual campfires, FYI), and basically everything awesome about camping rolled into one weekend, with a hundred of your buddies (and kiddo's buddies).  The only thing is, I really like air conditioning.  And beds.  And showers.  And I like a little privacy when I'm doing my business.

(True Story:  In tenth grade I went to Interlochen Arts Camp for two weeks.  This is a camp to which you have to be accepted via vocal audition (well, for the choir part), and it's kind of a big deal in my head only to go.  Music camp?  I know most some of you are thinking, "This one time, at band camp ..." but it totally wasn't like that.  Too much.  Really.  Anyway, Interlochen didn't really specialize much in privacy (and with a bunch of performance-loving campers, the "I like to poop in private" demographic was minute) so I didn't go for two whole weeks. No joke.  And you wonder why I don't like camping?)

So this summer we are signed up for the camping trip.  I will go, and also go.  Because I'm also currently skipping my iron.

Summer List #4. Have a girly get together (probably in a restaurant because I'm not driven enough to host a soiree) with tons of friends mainly so I can wear heels. You are all invited.  (But this can't turn into Project X, so be rational people.)

This list is neither exhaustive or conclusive.  I was going to post a well thought out, complete list, but then I went to the gym where I watched both TMZ and Extra, and now I'm a bit blindsided that Kristen cheated on Rob.  Whaaaaa?  Now it's like I can't even focus.  So, yeah, cheating ruins it for everyone.

What's on your summer list?  Help me out, because obviously Kristen made some bad decisions without even factoring in my To-Do List, and now I'm just ... lost.




*The title = I'm not going to lie.  I stole this joke.  The whole Bucket List/picture of buckets thing.  I stole it from Bo Reinhart, guitar player of my favorite band in the whole world, who I might stalk on Twitter even though I don't have a Twitter account and maybe just spent a lonely night looking up Twitter accounts and reading them like a housewife reads 50 Shades.  Desperately.

P.S.  This post probably has the most links in one post that link directly back to my own blog. Which is both awesome and self-indulgent.  If you need an exit strategy ...