Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Best Resource Since Web MD

Those who suffer from regular migraines know that they are much more than "really bad headaches" and have a management plan already in place.  They follow preventative measures, surely, but even those are not guaranteed to succeed.  Migraine sufferers can sense the early stages of the throbbing sensation and aim to curb it before it becomes debilitating.

For those that have had exactly three migraines in their entire life and have no set plan, I offer some suggestions for dealing with that pesky little headache that blurs your vision has you just wanting to die puke already.

The first thing you will want to do is deny you have a migraine. You will go about your regular day reasoning, Hey, you're a homeschooler, the children need their education.  Math will be especially awesome when you have to focus on converting millimeters to centimeters and cannot see the decimal point because it won't stand still.

Next, you will admit you have a bit of a headache and search for some Excedrin to take the edge off the pain.  You will also remember that dehydration causes slight headaches and you had a decent trail ride the evening prior; so you'll just down a few liters of agua and know you'll totally be fine.

After school is done - where you've done a stellar job and only had to take scissors away from the two year old one time and also maybe need to scrape twenty-two princess stickers off the kitchen table because Ezra was quiet during Eve's math lesson because he was busy redecorating - you will notice the children are a bit loud.  In fact, they are so loud that maybe they are causing the stress that is surely the cause of this tiny headache that is making you a bit dizzy.  The correct response to this diagnosis is that you need some "me" time.  The kiddos are happily playing Library (this is where they get out every book, cd, dvd, and stuffed animal they own and display them around the living room) so you head outside to mow the lawn.

The noise from the lawn mower is actually considerably less than the noise from your children and the mower totally isn't demanding mac and cheese for lunch again and so initially this is a good move on your part.  It's only about a minute in when the sun has intensified a thousand percent that you question the merit of this plan.  But by then you are committed.  Giving your two year old a mohawk was perfectly acceptable; giving the lawn a mohawk just confesses to the entire neighborhood that you are lackadaisical about your lawn maintenance.  In fact, the outside of your home reflects the state of the inside, so if you leave your lawn all willy-nilly, people will probably assume you are a hoarder.  Like a real life "A&E Hoarders" hoarder; one with dead squirrels buried in the mountains of decaying takeout cartons that fill your living room.  A tiny little headache is not going to let the neighbors think you harbor deceased vermin in your domicile.

Ten minutes into this chore, you will hate your neighbors.  Who are they, anyway, to assume you are a hoarder?  And seriously, while Don and Kelly to the left always edged their lawn, Eric and Stephanie to the right never did.  Which made it totally cool that you could slack in that department.  You loved Eric and Stephanie.  But then Eric had to go and get "seasonal allergies so bad he could no longer mow the lawn himself" and hire a service who consider edging the lawn something you do every time you stop by for a quick trim, which only highlights the fact that you do not edge your own lawn with nearly enough frequency for it to seem like you do it at all.  So now, here you are, mowing your lawn in a zigzag because you can't walk straight pissed off because the stakes have been raised because of pollen.  Forget you, Pollen.

Lunch time means you will figure maybe you are just hungry.  It's merely a hunger headache that is causing the lights to get so bright your eyes are reduced to slits even indoors.  The kids totally win and get mac-n-cheese because for the love of God why are they being so loud?!  You will have a Weight Watchers frozen meal and tell yourself it's healthy because it is calorie controlled and includes spinach.  Spinach is good for your eyes, right?  Or is that carrots?  Either way it's a vegetable, so, there's that.

After lunch you will cuddle some kids on the couch while your eight year old reads a storybook because there is no way you can handle that mess.  You will decide that scrunching your face up - eyes tightly shut, nose like a rabbit sniffing, and mouth puckered - is the best method of pain management currently available, and you will sit like that for the duration of story hour.

At nap time you will finally admit you have a migraine.  You will take a shower and pray to throw up, and after that, lie quietly on the couch until the kiddos come creeping out.  This is where your genius will truly reveal itself.

You will convince the five year old to play Sports Medicine.  She will be the trainer responsible for gently massaging every muscle in your body from the neck down.  The ten year old will be a Scalp Masseuse.  You won't even know if this is a thing, but if you say it with enough authority it totally becomes a thing.  She will gently rub your scalp as you stress the importance of whispering in the presence of a client.  How this morphs into a game of Examine the Pregnancy Stretch Marks and Assign Possession to Each Child, you have no idea.  But soon the five year old and ten year old are appraising both the color and depth of each mark and declaring whose era of pregnancy to which they belong.  As you lift your head in disbelief to witness this game, you engage your abdominal muscles, which raises your entire abdominal area because you are a hardcore athlete with only a smallish layer of chub resting on top of your rock hard abs, causing the five year old to shriek in delight, "It's like bread dough!  It's rising like bread dough!" and sink her hands lovingly into the flesh while kneading away.

As awesome as that is, you will sigh in relief when the neighborhood kids return home from school, and your brood bolts outside to play with them.  This signals not only the start of a quiet house but also that reinforcements, in the form of your spouse, are coming home to take over soon.

When the spouse comes home, retreat to your bedroom, draw the shades, get into bed, and dream about a McDonald's hot fudge sundae.

(Disclaimer: The information found on this site is provided as a resource for viewers and is NOT intended as medical recommendations or professional advice ... but I'm pretty sure a real life doctor would recommend the exact same thing.)


  1. Aw sorry about the migrane. But to be honest, that was the most entertaining a migrane has ever been to a viewer on this side. Way to soldier on in the day!

    1. Thanks! Sometimes you have to laugh or cry (or finally just collapse on the couch)

  2. I'm so behind, but once I start reading, I just can't, clearly, could have been a neurologist... ;) (sorry for such a horrific headache, but I admire the way you made it work with the kids...)

    1. Thanks, Megan! I think being a SAHM who homeschools qualifies me as a neurologist. I see a lot of brain issues in my day to day life ;-)


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