DFL - A Modern Day Horror Story

"Second Place is First Loser."
-the Navy Seals

I don't want to get too bragg-y, but in terms of my running speed, I'm pretty solidly in the 40th percentile.  Roughly 60 percent of the other runners in the race will cross the finish line before me.  I'm okay with that because 30 percent are finishing after me*, which I'm sure we all can agree is the main point of races.  You know, to beat somebody.

(*Even at my slowest, my very first 5K was comprised of both walkers and runners so I was guaranteed a middle-of-the-pack but totally an end of the pack for runners finish.)(It's not like any of the walkers passed me while I was running.)(That would be ridiculous.)(It totally happened.)(But if it did happen, it would have been by a cracked out power walker wearing Shape Ups.)(One who, if having incorporated just a little more bounce in her step would have technically been considered jogging.)(I'm going to suggest some of these "walkers" get tested for performance enhancing drugs before races.)(Because if there's one thing we learned from Lance, it's how to look bored out of your mind while confessing your contrition when you get caught doing the thing you spent your career vehemently swearing you didn't do   that it is possible for a Damage Control Publicity Tour to make you seem like more of a jackhole than the initial infraction ever did  that victory obtained through falsehood isn't true victory.)

As I was picking my races I thought, "It might be really cool to do an Olympic distance triathlon this summer."  The Olympic distance is twice as long as the Sprint distance I did last year.  I spent a few days warming up to the idea, looked up a good race, and committed.  I was going to do an OLYMPIC DISTANCE TRIATHLON.  I wrote out my training plan and took some time to revel in my own Bad-A self.  It was while I was dwelling on my awesomeness, picturing myself competing in this particular race, when I was struck by a horrifying thought.

(If you are a runner, there are a few acronyms you pick up along the way.  "PR" stands for the Personal Record, "LSD" is the long slow distance I drop every Sunday before church, and "ACL" is an injury to avoid like the plague.  Some acronyms you learn to save time, some to be cool, and some just for plain old survival. There is one such survival acronym in my arsenal that I never-evah-evah (Sorry Ms. Jackson)(forevah-evah?) wanted to see associated with my name.

D  F  L.

Dead Effing Last.)

I realized, what with the size (this race is very small.  Last year about 120 people raced the Sprint.  Only seventeen raced the Olympic.  Of those seventeen, two were women.) and caliber of athlete competing in this race (last year's slowest time - by a lot - for Olympic was 2:53:46), if I do the Olympic Distance Triathlon I want to do, there is a huge chance I will finish last.  Like last out of the whole entire race.  Both Sprint and Olympic combined.  DFL.

"So, Kelly, what's the big deal, find a different race."  I know.  I could just find something bigger and stop being such a drama queen get on with life.  But I like this race.  And now I have a mental challenge on top of the physical challenge of racing.  Can I emotionally handle being DFL?

So I've taken the first step.  (Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?) I've also taken the official next step, which I've decided is "Contact the race organizers and make sure there is not a time cut off for the Olympic distance."  Because the only thing more embarrassing than a DFL finish is the one you are not allowed to finish because you're TFS*.

*I made that one up.  You can work it out on your own.

Batting A Thousand

"You Oughtta Know, Dave."

You know that day when you are the World's Best Mother?  Your kid (Eve) is going spazz-nuts-bonkers and throwing some huge tantrum over a supreme injustice involving the wrong color tights to wear to church, and you calmly step in and redirect her. But not before having a heart to heart where you really bond. And a Major Life Lesson is received under the light background strains of 90's sitcom Conflict Resolution music.  It is a very Full House moment.


That totally happened to me.  I was the World's Best Mother.

Then.

Two more tantrums.  From two more children.  All within the twenty minutes we had left to get ready to go to church.

Being the upstanding Christian woman I am, I lost my stuff.

Twenty minutes later I found myself in a silent and tension filled minivan, cuh-razy embarrassed over *my* tantrum which probably included the phrases (yelled, of course) "WHY CAN'T WE EVER JUST GO TO CHURCH IN PEACE?" and "FINE! DON'T BE NICE TO YOUR SISTER.  HAVE FUN TALKING TO JESUS ABOUT THAT!" and, my personal favorite, "WHAT AM I, YOUR MO- ... (scrambling thoughts, because yeah, um, I totally am your mom) I AM NOT THE MAID!"

I sneaked a peek at Brian who was driving us to church.  He was just chilled out, driving the van like nothing had happened.  I risked a tiny, "Sorry I was a jerk."  And louder still, to the occupants of the back seats, "Sorry Mama was mean and threw a fit."  They all forgave me because my family is awesome even when they treat me like the maid.  Then Brian turned to me and said,

"Kel, what you did with Eve's tantrum was great.  That was spot on.  You handled that perfectly.  The other two ... well, you need to work on that.  If you were a baseball player your batting average would be .333, which is pretty decent.  Especially in the majors.  So don't beat yourself up too much.  You have a professional level batting average. You are a Major League Mom and you are by far the best speller in the family  and you're right, I shouldn't hang my dirty clothes on the bed post."

That.  That is why I married him.

*swoon*

A Case of the Mondays: Weird Science

The kids need science fair activities.  I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate the social experiments in these videos.

Also, I'm slaphappy.

Happy Monday.

This one also has potential.

If neither of those made you crack a smile, here is your last chance at happiness.

OK, one more chance.

Thank you, Internets.  Never change.

For All My Fitness Homies*

*and by "homies" I mean "fellow nerds".

Many of you started reading this blog last summer at the height of my physical fitness.  I was training for and completed my very first triathlon, and was in full-on Beast Mode. Maybe you've noticed that for months now lately my posts have been decidedly un-health related. There is a simple reason for that.  Winter is my season to get fat hibernate and recover from the constant stress I put on my body during training.

But guess what?  It's almost spring and the time for preparation has come.  This race season is already in full effect.  So buckle your seat belts, kids, Mama's in for the long haul.

(You're all, "Dude, who is this person?")

(And I'm like, "I know, right? It's like I've been replaced with the nerdier version of me.")                        
(To which you reply, "Nerdier version?  Is that even possible?")

I'm a planner.  I love, love, love to plan.  My plans have plans.  (Remember Black Friday?) I'm pretty sure that's why I love Pinterest so much.  It's like the Land of Eternal Plans.

One of my favorite things to do in February is plan my race schedule for the year.  I get out the calendar and commit to a million races that all look like the best.races.ever.  Then I have a bit of a reality check because races cost money. And so do diapers (which I am still buying because I suck at potty training.)(And maybe I stress ate an entire package of Ezra's potty training M&M's yesterday.)(So it may be a while before the kid has any incentive to pee in the potty because Mama is not going shopping for a few days.) A girl can only afford/justify paying to run in a race for fun so many times.  I had to scale back my race dreams considerably.

(Some of the races on my Dream List?
1. Tough freaking Mudder - it's like a half marathon where you can get electrocuted.  Who wouldn't want that?!
2. Color Run - have you ever seen the pictures?
3. Warrior Dash - um, my race recap kind of says it all.
4. Foam Fest - just like Warrior Dash ... but cleaner.
5. Red Carpet Run - a 5k in a prom dress? Totally there.)

Once my races are picked, I set up my training schedule.  I usually train around the biggest races. (Duh.)  This year I am training for three main races.  A 10k in April (due to injury and two weeks of flu I am actually having to be pretty diligent about getting back to 10k form), a triathlon in July, and a half marathon in October.

Determining a training schedule actually takes quite a bit of time for me.  Most triathlon training plans are written for 6 workout days a week, and I know I can only commit to 5. And since they involve swimming, biking, and running I have to factor in pool access, when I have the blocks of time to do long workouts (two hour bike rides, hour and a half runs, and brick workouts - which are usually long bike rides followed immediately with thirty minute runs), and how to follow long workouts with meaningful rest time.  (For example:  running an hour and a half Saturday, biking two hours Sunday, and running intervals on Monday probably isn't the best plan.  Unless, of course, I'm planning for injury.  Then it's a stellar plan.) Since my days off are Tuesdays and Fridays, this means I have to play a bit with any traditional schedules. (I mostly follow the plan(s) by Matt Fitzgerald. He knows his stuff and he's cute.)

For the 10k and half-marathon I just follow good ol' Hal Higdon.  He hasn't failed me yet.  I might modify the half plan slightly to include some speed work, but we'll see.  For now here is a sample of my training plan.  I picked June because it's in the middle to last part of my sixteen week training plan.  It's intense but not crazy sick yet.

A work of art, amIright?  Let me decode it for you.

Run workouts are red because "red" rhymes with "tread" which is short for "treadmill*." (Genius.) (*although I will mostly run outside on a non-treadmill surface.)

Swim workouts are blue because ... dude, really?

Strength training is green because "green" rhymes with "lean and mean" which makes me think of strength training. (Seriously, why wouldn't it?)

Bike workouts are brown because I didn't have orange.  (Orange was my first pick because orange makes me think of creamsicles, which almost kind of has "cycle" right in the word.) I settled for brown because trail riding is by far my favorite (although I train for triathlon on the road) and brown reminds me of trail riding and that makes me happy.

I use black for information like race dates, recovery weeks, and taper weeks.

There are also a lot of codes involved in the training plan which makes it look a lot more hardcore than it is. These are just different drills and kinds of workouts.  It's not that complicated once you know it. (Ex: TRR = Transition Run (a ten minute run after a bike workout to teach your legs to run after prolonged biking); SLI = Swim Lactate Intervals (a fancy way to say 'on a scale of 1-10, 10 being you are about to keel over, swim at a 9 for 75 yard intervals); CLH = Bike Long Hill Climbs (pretty much what it sounds like - a bike ride with a bunch of long hills (five minutes of steady climbing).

I feel so much relief at having a plan.  Following The Plan means I have less chance of mortifying myself by barely stumbling across the finish line. Once I'm entrenched in training I don't have to think about what to do next which is good because all my brains cells are busy convincing me not to quit.

I am so excited to get into tri season.  To all my fellow fitness nerds homies I say, "Happy Race Season! Hurrah!"

GTL. (Because "T" stands for "tantrum", right?) A Day in the Life of a Homeschool Mom

I've finally decided to do one of those a "Day in the Life" posts that get linked up every month or so.  I can never seem to commit to link ups in a timely manner, and this is no exception. So I'm going out solo with this one.

I love the DITL posts because they help fulfill my stalker tendencies it's fun to see how other people spend their days. Since my days are all different I just picked a random Monday.  So here is how this Monday went for me.

Alarm:  5:30 a.m.  I spend about ten minutes deciding if I am going to commit to getting out of bed.  Then I remember iced coffee is totally happening today.  I sprint to the kitchen. I find my favorite green mug and pour a nice (cold) cuppa joe.  I end up on the couch to do my Bible study, which is the perfect place to go when you first wake up and are determined to make it as hard as possible for yourself to stay awake.

Good morning, Internets.  Um, yeah I did my hair for you.  Did you really think this forehead 'fro occurs naturally?

I hit the computer, edit and post Monday's blog, and Facebook stalk for awhile.

Alabama sweatshirt?  Green mug? Iced Coffee?  Ugly comforter wrapped around my body like a bath towel?  Creepin' on Facebook?  Yep.  All my favorite things in one picture.

At 6:30 I responsibly get in the shower and get myself ready, because the kiddos will be making an appearance at 7:00.  I take some time to snuggle with the boy child.

So. much. win.
("Um, Kelly?  Do you really think the forehead 'fro needed more volume?")

I start to climb Mt. Laundry, making sure I am properly fueled for such an arduous task.

Baskets are in this order: delicates/children*, whites, darks.
*children's clothes; we don't wash the children in the machine.  We use a hose outside the bathtub for that.

Oatmeal and peanut butter.  Breakfast of champions.  (215 calories)

We finish getting ready, pack our bags and head out the door at 8:30.

If you need an outfit that says "I can homeschool, fold the laundry, clean the kitchen, drive a minivan, and go boating all in one day" I've got a look for you.  Eat your heart out, Mama Laughlin.

Library bag full of returns.  Ezra's backpack for school.  My purse full of things I need for errands. Pink crate for homeschooling.

Our first stop is the post office.  We go to the exact same mailbox where my hand got stuck and I was almost arrested, sent to prison, and forced to eat bologna.  Then the boy goes to school. (This is not really school because he is 2 years old, y'all; it's fancy pre-school for his apraxia.  He and two other little boys get two and a half hours of therapy twice a week for the bargain price of a new car.)(But? He's totally starting to talk - can fluently say, "mine" - now, so, completely worth it.)

Mini Elmo backpack.  So.cute.

The girlies and I run home to do a quick kitchen clean up (because we've got a half an hour to kill before the library opens) and then head to the library where we school on the days Ezra has therapy.

Today's show brought to you by the letter "W" and the number "13".

"Dude!  I'm telling you, sister dear, that you need to use this formula to find the area!"

At 11:30 we pick up Ezra and head home for lunch.  Today's menu is sandwiches and fruit for the kiddos, and leftover black bean and chicken fajita filling for me.  I still do my fancy food journal calorie tracking.

"Mom - if I have to eat black beans in their natural state I will die.   They look just like rabbit poop.  I'd much rather eat this ham or salami that came directly from the body of a pig because it's not as gross."

Food journal for the real world.  I think I'm going to post this on Pinterest.  Super creative and pretty, right?

After lunch we read on the couch.  The little ones get story books and then the big kids get a chapter from whatever we are reading. Oh, and we play Beauty Shop. (Don'tcha wish your Mama was hot like me?)

Slippers fully on, basket of laundry needing to be folded, "It's Raining, It's Pouring" (which yes, I totally sang) and "I Get Wet". (Stahp; it's about science.)

Gettin' my hair did while we read Little Men.

One of my favorite activities in the whole day is next: Quiet Rest time.  Ezra takes a nap and the girlies all go to separate rooms and be quiet.  I don't care what they do, as long as it is quiet.*

*And doesn't burn down the house.  We had to add that rule last year when I caught Esther shoving baby wipes into the lampshade and blanketing the light bulb.  And by "caught" I mean I walked into her room because I smelled smoke.

During Quiet rest I play on the computer and take a nap.  I also eat a banana.

After QR we have a science lesson on the shape of water. (*Spoiler Alert* water has no concrete shape.)(Unless it's ice.)(Which is tomorrow's lesson.)

This is right before our kitchen table looked like a Crayola factory threw up all over it.  Apparently "Make a chart and color different examples of the three forms of water" necessitates every coloring implement in the house.

Then we watch a super educational video on water than no one pays any attention to because I let them work on their graphic novels at the same time.  Ezra wakes up from his nap and we follow a super educational water video with a super educational Disney Cars video while I make dinner.

The chicken is amazing.  WW recipe here.  Those two chicken breasts (I cut them in pieces) fed the six of us.  Peas are a big hit in my house because you can launch them across the table at your sister.  The mashed sweet potato is a "no thank you" helping side dish, meaning you have to eat enough to convince me you tried it. Because I'm the Mom, that's why.

I say goodbye to the fam and hit the gym, leaving them to clean up dinner. (Genius timing, Kel.)  On the schedule is Ab Lab, arms/chest/back,  and a 2.5 mile run.  All the treadmills are in use so I hoof it around the track ... 40 times.  (Yes, you read that.  Four, zero.)  I can't bring myself to take a selfie at the gym (where I am desperately trying to fit in with the dudes in the free weight section) but don't worry, I totally reenacted Ab Lab for you once I got home.

This is just like Ab Lab but picture me all
red-faced and looking miserable.

Get outie here!

(When you lie down to take Ab Lab pictures, your two year old will probably jump on your stomach while you grunt in surprise and pain. Then you will flip the camera around and be all, "Dude, show me your abs!" and he will do this.)

I take a shower, fold laundry as I watch Biggest Loser, and do this to my hair:

"Um, wow, Kel.  That's ... um, why?"

Because on Tuesday morning I will do this:

And one final selfie, the Outfit of the Day (taken from above because I couldn't get my flash to turn off without the picture being super dark).

Trying to show off my bling.  I'm wearing skinny jeans tucked into some brown boots.   I'm also thinking about going into fashion writing.

Case of the Mondays: "Hey Girl, a Restraining Order can't restrain my love for you."

I feel so bad for men having to live in the same world where Nicolas Sparks writes horrible stories where someone always dies and I sob my way through entire boxes of kleenex characters such as Noah Calhoun.  Because?  Um, Noah Calhoun.

But after seeing this trailer for another version of The Notebook, I'm thoroughly convinced that the hubster is a dream in comparison.

"The water cooler is all the way in the basement but I want hot tea without going down the stairs" (and other first world problems).

I've been a Cranky McCrankivich this week.  I think it's just because now that we are all recovered from the flu (Thank Ya, Jesus!) I realize how much has gone undone lately.  Two weeks of no real cleaning, cooking, shopping, and *ahem* steady routine for the kiddos (other than 'stay in your jammies and watch tv') has given me quite the To-Do List.  Oh, and have I mentioned school?  We ended up taking two full weeks off school (don't panic, we homeschool), but added to the week off from our Disney trip in October, three weeks of school make-up feels like a monstrous hill to climb.

I've been coping with this stress by being super thankful that we are no longer sick  reminding myself of all the ridiculous things that suck about my life.  Which, as everyone knows, is the most obvious way to lift one from the depths of being overwhelmed, and really helps to turn that frown upside down.


So far, I have noted the following:

1. My wrist is sore from playing Bejeweled Blitz on my iPad.

2. I promised the kids we would go to the McDonald's play land at lunch, but all the parking spaces were taken.  We had to park in the adjacent lot ten yards away.

3. I want Tim Horton's for breakfast but that means I can't have Subway for lunch.

4. It's snowing and the snow plow came and plowed my neighborhood before the storm was finished.  Now there's almost an inch of unplowed snow at the bottom of my driveway.

5. My favorite coffee mug is in the clean dishwasher but if I take it out I'll feel guilty for not unloading the whole thing.

5. The only treadmill left at the gym only faces three televisions instead of six.

6. Someone was using my favorite shower at the gym.  The other shower heads spray all wonky.

7.  I forgot that the car had seat warmers and I spent a few nervous minutes wondering if I peed my pants.

8. I really wanted toast with peanut butter and banana but I used all the bananas to make banana muffins so I had to eat a banana muffin with peanut butter instead.


Sometimes being ridiculous is the only way to cope, amIright?  Now I'm gonna go cheer up and come to you much more smiley after a solid weekend of Bustin' My Tush to Get Crap Done. Happy Weekend Y'all!

Me.  If I was yellow.  And round(er).  Like an M&M.