Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Is there a greeting card to say, "I'm sorry for squirting you with windshield wiper fluid"?

Have I mentioned that I have a strong affection for Tim Horton's?  Really? Because usually that's one of the first things people know about me.  Funny I haven't mentioned it here...

I live in an area that has direct access to every suburban nicety you could need. Target?  Which one?  There are two within three miles of my house.  Kohl's? Same thing.  Grocery stores? I lost count at six within the same radius.  I can walk a half mile to McDonalds, Burger King, Arby's, Taco Bell, Wendy's, Boston Market, Potbelly's, three Coney Island's, and Timmy Ho's all from my front door.  (That's just the fast food.  You can also add Outback, TGIF's, Applebees, and if you tack on another mile, Panera, Buffalo Wild Wings, Chili's, Olga's... I could go on but this is making me hungry, and it's a loooooong time until lunch.)

It's a wonder I don't weigh 400 pounds.  (Although if I exclusively walked to these places it might take a slight edge off the caloric mountain.)(So maybe I'd only weigh 300.)

To some people all this convenience would be a dream. (I'm thinking of my Sister Wife Lyndsay who lives about 1000 miles from anything.)(Although it is really difficult to have a farm where I live.)(So Lynds would be totally out of luck with her goats and soap business.) To others it would be a nightmare.  (Truth?  The traffic is not my favorite.)(Neither is trying to ride my bike for triathlon training in said traffic.)

I'm a "take the good, take the bad, take 'em both and there you have" kind of girl, and so I'm happy to live in my sweet little commercialized town and am thankful that I can run out and buy emergency chocolate at 10:00 a.m. without it causing any major setbacks for the day.  (Who am I kidding?  Emergency chocolate can only cause the day to get better.)(Mostly because if you need emergency chocolate at 10:00 a.m. the track record for the day hasn't been stellar to begin with.)(So the odds of a delicious sugar rush improving your day aren't that surprising.)

See all those veggies?  It's like I'm eating a
salad and a bagel, egg, bacon, and cheese
show up to supplement.  #healthfood
I know Tim Horton's is my weakness.  When I am being faithful and obedient to my responsible eating plan I allow myself to eat there on Tuesday mornings.  When I am being a great big ball of hormonal rage fest that doesn't care about being a blobby mess of hotness I visit with increased frequency. The kind that loses track of meaningful time and says, "I haven't had a Bagel BELT in forever," and "forever" means "yesterday."

This might be why the people at Tim Horton's know me.

Since I've been sick, it's been about two weeks since I've contributed to Tim Horton's coffers. (I'm sure their stock has taken a hit.)  I had been looking forward to this reunion and anticipated the first sip of Iced Capp seeing my buddies from the drive-thru because people and relationships are more important than caffiene.*

(*This just became a huge "chicken or the egg" dilemma in my mind.  Sometimes in order to have good relationships with people you need to ingest some caffeine in order to be nice awake.  Does that mean that for the sake of people you need to prioritize caffeine? What came first - friendship or caffeine? Discuss.)

I took the Ford Flex out for my Post Flu Comeback Tour (which is the car that Brian drives and I'm not as familiar with).  It's wonderfully clean because the kiddos mostly stay out of it, so the back seat is not decorated in fossilized french fries and sour sippy cups. I was on the road less than ten seconds when I called Brian to ask how to turn off the rear window windshield wiper because I am too impatient to make a go of trial and error.  Once I had that all straightened out I headed to Tim Horton's to support Canada one breakfast sandwich at a time.

Understandably, my friends the people that work the drive-thru were frantic had noticed my absence.

Drive-Thru Intercom Guy:  Tim Horton's.  May I help you?
Kelly: May I please have a Bagel BELT and a small Iced Capp - no whipped cream?
Drive-Thru Intercom Guy (his name is Eric, FYI): OH HEY!  How have you been?
Kelly: Sick, dude.
Eric: Sucks. $5.60 at the window.

While I was waiting for my turn at the window I noticed my windshield was dirty.  I started pushing random buttons to find the fluid releaser.  I was unsuccessful.  (Surprise!)  Then it was my turn.

Eric:  Here's your Iced Capp.  It'll be a second for your sandwich.
Kelly: Cool.

This is when I put my straw in my Iced Capp and gulped took a sip (Brain freeze?  Ain't nobody got time for that) and then decided I should make good use of my time and find the windshield wiper fluid thing.  Being the triumphant morning of the Post Flu Comeback Tour, I totally found it.  I found it and was liberally dousing my windshield as Eric opened the drive-thru window to hand me my Bagel BELT.  At the exact same moment Eric handed me the grub, some snow melted on the wiper blade and helped to uncovered some jacked up sprayer hole that released windshield wiper fluid directly into the open window of Tim Horton's.  I couldn't have aimed better if I tried.  Thankfully Eric is fast and dodged, allowing the stream to hit his arm and the counter instead of his face and hair.  He looked appropriately freaked out and I was all, "DUDE!"

And then I giggled.

There is no amount of apologizing that will seem sincere after you laugh at squirting someone with windshield wiper fluid.

Eric was cool about it as I tried to hand him some Tim Horton's napkins from my stash in the car ("Yeah, we have some here, thanks.") but I think it will be a while before I can return without being completely mortified.  I guess I'll have to drive either a mile south or a mile east in order to go to a different Tim Horton's until the dust settles. (Or fluid is forgotten.)(Whatever.)


  1. What can I say? I want to follow you around someday when I am having a really bad day:)
    You handle it all so gracefully and pull off great stories in the meantime!

    1. Thanks, Jamie! Never a dull moment, right?

  2. Hahahahahahahaha!!! I can totally picture myself in this same situation!

    1. Well, now you know the appropriate thing to do is NOT giggle ;)
      Also, they totally have enough napkins inside and do not need any from inside your car ... so, now you are prepared. You're welcome.

  3. First, sweet lord how I miss living in the suburbs! City life is wonderful and vibrant and awesome....until you need groceries. And then I hate everyone.

    Second, I've totally got you beat. I was running cross country and it was the regional race. I also had a cold. I'm sure you, fellow runner, are familiar with snot-rocketing. I double checked all around me to make sure the coast was clear but just as I "rocketed," some tiny little thing came up on my flank. And yes....ALL over her.

    I guess what i'm trying to say is that you have Tim Horton options and at least it was washer fluid and not mucus. You're welcome.

    P.S. Next time you're able to easily get to Target without 45 minutes of wall-to-wall highway traffic, think of me. Pitiful, road-raging me.

    1. FORTY FIVE MINUTES? Oh my lanta, I can walk (and have) to Target in ten minutes. (The other one I need to drive to in five minutes.)(The third and fourth ones are a fifteen minute drive.) I'll totally shut my pie hole now when I feel like I've been driving too long when I run errands. I think I would fully spazz if I lived in the city. We visited my brother in Chicago and the traffic was nuts. And it was so loud. But city life *does* have lots to do and see.

      The snot-rocket? I am dying. That is so awesome. Poor girl. Poor you. Aren't you sad we didn't have blogs back then? Then instead of it being just plain embarrassing, the silver lining could have been "well, at least I can blog about this." (Titled: A Snot So Good Situation.) (Future Nested post?) ;)

  4. LOL! This was hilarious! And I just heard about Tim Horton's for the first time a few months ago. I started reading this and was all, "Oh hey, she's a canuk!" :-D

    1. Firstly, I feel so sad that you have been deprived of Tim Horton's for such a large portion of your life. The good news about this is that now you have some freedom to make up for lost time. I don't do Weight Watchers, but I'm pretty sure the point system has a special rule (that I am making up right now) that applies negative points to foods that are especially awesome = the Bagel Belt and Iced Capp.

      Secondly, the canuk thing is hilarious because I'm actually from Michigan but live close enough to Detroit that Canada seems like an extension of the states to me. The highlight of growing up here was that everyone looked forward to turning 19 because that's the legal drinking age in Canada. Every weekend thousands of Michigan 19 year old flocked to Canadian bars. Canada totally knows how to woo Americans: alcohol and Tim Horton's. Well done, Canada.


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