Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

How I Became an Ultra-Ironman Triathlete

I should not have put off writing today's post for as long as I have, as it is now late Tuesday night and instead of reveling in my normal hilarity I am sad, sad, sad.

Brian just took the in-laws to the airport. You know, where they will be boarding a plane to Africa.  For a year. (And by that I mean they will be living in Africa for a year, not boarding a plane for a year.)(It's just that my sentence structure was confusing and I didn't want anyone to be misinformed.)(Because here at Sublurban Mama we care about factual and accurate information.)(And avoid redundancies and repeating ourselves.)(Did you like how I said "we" like Sublurban Mama is more than me, a SAHM blogging in my jammies, wondering if Ezra will remember he has a Milky Way Valentine's heart from Grandma in the fridge or if he is still young enough that out of sight means out of mind, and if that is the case I should totally eat it?)

For those who already live far away from family, or just plain don't see yours much, in-laws in Africa for a year will not seem a big deal.  But I'm close with my in-laws, and the kiddos see their grandparents several times a week.  We live 3.1 miles apart (which is an excellent running route, because there's always cold water and a potty half way through)(and a ride home if I wuss out).  This will be an adjustment.  Because honestly, I can't see myself going out for a jog to Malawi anytime soon.  I am an ultrarunner at heart, but I should probably cover more than 6 miles at a time if I'm going to attempt intercontinental running.  Plus there's that whole "ocean" thing.  Although that could be the most intense triathlon ever.

The Ironman Triathlon is a 2.4 mile swim.  The Visit the In-Laws in Malawi Triathlon is about a 4,000 mile swim.  The Ironman follows it's swim with 112 miles on the bike.  My VTILIM Triathlon would have a 3300 mile bike ride.  The run would undoubtedly be the easiest part. The Ironman finishes with a little 26.2 mile marathon, and I think the VTILIM run would be about the same.  Except in a third world nation.  With no support or paved roads.  A trail run marathon.

Actually, my Visit the In-Laws in Malawi Triathlon sounds a lot like what I imagine is an everyday Navy Seal workout.  In fact, with a few minor tweaks (like the rule where you have to carry a weapon and wear camo body paint) I'm pretty sure I should rename this the Navy Seal Triathlon for Hardcore Endurance Athletes that Know Second Place is First Loser and that Pain is Just Weakness Leaving the Body.  It's catchier and more inclusive, don'tcha think?



  1. You could totally do it. Mind over matter, right? Ezra's Milky Way Valentine's heart will give you the strength. Which is total justification for eating it. I fully support you in this decision. (to eat the candy) ;)

    1. I mean, what's a few thousand self-propelled miles, really?

      Also, Ezra's heart shaped Milky Way is 150 calories. So I have to wait until I really want it now (or fall into a shame spiral and don't care and snarf it because FOOD ALWAYS LOVES ME).

  2. A few points:

    1. The Milky Way is totally yours. Go and relish in its goodness.
    2. I'm sorry that your in-laws are moving. But, though it's for a whole year, look on the bright side: say cheerily, "It's ONLY a year!" Sooner or later you'll convince yourself it's true. It worked for the Eat to Live Cleans: "It's ONLY 9 weeks without cheese."
    3. You are my fitness idol. Teach me your ways.

    1. My responses:

      1. It's totally a meal time right now, so Milky Way isn't as appetizing as a hot dog. Which I totally thought of when I read the word "relish".
      2. Dude, I know. But like, I don't know. You know?
      3. Thank you, grasshopper.


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