For those of you who were around in the very beginning, here is a return to Facebook Friday. Facebook Friday was a day when I looked back at some of my Facebook statuses throughout the years. ("Wait, Kelly. Are you telling us that not only is this *not* a new post, it's also a reposting of some other reposted crap you posted on Facebook a long time ago?" Well, Friends, I prefer to think of it as a repost within a repost. Much like the movie Inception. Which? Won a lot of awards. Like - an Academy Award for Best Sound Mixing. Now, not to get too bragg-y or anything, but this is the caliber of blog I run. You know, the kind that receives awards for sound mixing.)(Note to self: Post a video of me finally owning the second verse of Eminem's Lose Yourself even when I add in hand motions. Blogging "sound" gold, y'all.)
Facebook Friday: Sweet Moves
I have always been known for my
On being awesome at home:
Accidently macing yourself with non-stick cooking spray pretty much sets the tone for the day.
Always wear your glasses (and your shoes) when attempting to show a pine cone your "mad" (i.e. non-existent) soccer skills. If you don't you might discover that pine cone is really poop.
25,000 Awesome Points for wedging the colander in the sink at the perfect angle so that my freshly cooked pasta could move seamlessly from pot to colander to garbage disposal.
If cleaning the bathroom wasn't fun enough, I just played a quick game of Catch the Brand New Roll of Paper Towel Before it Falls into the Toilet, and lost.
On being awesome in public:
The correct order to exiting the fitting room at JC Penney is: shirt on, coat on, open door. A slight deviation in that order and you have to add the step: freak out as you make a sound that is a cross between a yelp of horror and the words, "I forgot my shirt!" P.S. In spite of my peep show, the doorbusters were awesome.
The best way to handle the Crazy Psycho Woman coming straight at you with her cart as you enter Target is to realize she is your reflection in the automatic doors.
In my defense, in the Walmart by my house the WOMEN'S bathroom is on the left.
Don't assume you can bully the automatic door to open faster by charging purposefully toward it. You will end up smashing forcefully chest first and making a cool noise that sounds like, "Ugh-huh," and conceding the automatic door is superior, while glancing around to see how many have witnessed your shame.
You know when it's raining, and you've finally loaded all the groceries into your car, and you just want to get home, but the trunk won't shut because the toilet paper is in the way, so you get all, "Idon'thaveTIMEforthisit'srainingandI'mtired" and you use brute force to close the trunk because YOU are the BOSS of the toilet paper? Yeah, well, it wasn't the toilet paper. It was the grapes.
"Oh, Kelly. You are a disaster. How do you have any
To answer your question, "Um, it's called swag and it's how you remain *flippin' sweet* (say it like you are Napoleon Dynamite) as you pull all this off."