Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

When you *totally* fall off the wagon. Like, way off. Like, fall off the wagon and then get on another wagon headed straight down Gluttony Avenue.

This is the deal.

There are times it's awesome to be a weight loss blogger. When the scale is in your favor, your "after" pictures get accolades, or when people ask for advice and you feel like you have something helpful to share - it's great to be a weight loss blogger.

But.

There are days moments when you fall completely off the wagon and you feel powerless to stop it. In the back of your brain you think, "I'm going to have to blog this crap," because you can't pretend it didn't happen, and you think about allllllll the people that you are accountable to through your little corner of the internet. Instead of feeling inspired you feel crushed by the accountability and guilty that you may be letting someone down.

A DEFENSE MECHANISM.
But here it is: I had a terrible week, and I ate to cope. I ate a lot. And I ate a lot of foods I never eat. Like, once I ate a piece of leftover pizza while dishing out Chinese food because I couldn't wait the thirty seconds it would take to get fried rice in my pie hole. If you are what you eat then this last weekend I was Birthday Cake wrapped in pizza while wearing Lucky Charms and sweating Sweet and Sour sauce. (A.K.A. Everyone's Best Friend.) (Sorry. I know it's not funny, Kemper.)(But I joke around when I'm uncomfortable.)(IT'S A DEFENSE MECHANISM.)

So, how much did I truly eat? I ate a weight gain of four pounds in three days much. It was so bad that at one point Brian, who has never policed my food (even when I've asked), actually took hold of me by both shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said, "KEL. Snap out of this."

I am so disappointed in myself. I was at 143, so close to my Holy Grail of 140. Now I'm hanging out back at 147. This is literally the story of my life.

I hate excuses. An excuse leaves no room for responsibility. An excuse says, "Look at what happened to me," and not, "Look at the choice I made in response to my circumstance." Excuses cut out any opportunity for growth, and excuses foster weakness. They are a way to say, "Don't worry, you poor thing. It's not your fault. Anyone would have reacted that way."

That's a big fat lie. I am not powerless over my thoughts. I am not held prisoner by my emotions. And *I* am the boss of how I react to difficult situations. Huzzah.

I do believe in reasons. I want to know the reasons behind the choices I make. Knowing these reasons teaches me, and helps to prepare me for handling situations, should they reoccur. And they always do.

So, Reasons I ATEALLTHETHINGS last week:

1. I was discouraged. It can all be boiled down to that. I had some really crappy workouts last week. I felt weak, I felt tired, I felt fat, and I felt like I was sick and tired of working my tush off just to be "normal". (Can I get an Amen from all my FAT MOM sisters out there?!) I don't want to look like Barbie. I don't want to be a figure competitor. I just freaking want to *not* look fluffy. Why do I have to work so hard to accomplish this? (*the world's smallest violin is playing in the background*)

I came home from Wednesday's awful workout to indulge in the worst timed cheat meal in the history of the world. I cheat meal every Wednesday night. In hindsight following the plan was not the best decision this time. Next time I'm discouraged I will reschedule cheat meal. I already know cheat meals for me are a really sensitive thing. The occasional indulgence helps keep me on track, but they also have the potential to usher in a tsunami of binge eating, which is exactly what happened this time. My cheat meal turned into a three day nosh fest.

Then a friend's mom died very unexpectedly Thursday morning. She was only 49. Instead of being all, "Wow, I should look at life as a gift and live it to the fullest," I was like, "What's the freaking point of going to all this trouble to track my macros/deny myself pizza/work at the gym? At the end of the day I'm still fat and I could die at any moment." I didn't feel out of control. I felt defiant. I felt like no matter what I do I'm never there. There seems to be this mythical land where I am no longer the Fat Mom, and I work my heart out and it shows on both the scale and my body. I get momentary glimpses of there in my daily life, and normally those glimpses give me the hope I need to persevere. But feeling so discouraged made me want to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE. It's like my brain decided to show my body who was boss by eating my rapidly gaining weight in Combos. Because logic.

"Kel, THEHECK is this?"
That, my friends, is a vegan vanilla LEGO cake with
vegan soy buttercream frosting. And it's purple,
per the birthday girl's request. This is what happens
when you try to get fancy because vegan cake
crumbles, my kids are allergic to fondant, and vegan
buttercream refuses to set.
2. Baking. One of my kiddos had her birthday party on Saturday. Since she is one of my sweet "food allergy" kids, I had to bake her cake from scratch. Then I had to make her frosting from scratch. Then I had to decorate her cake. (Which, I'm not going to lie, was a spectacular Pinterest fail.) Then I had to cut and serve cake and ice cream to 15 people. That's a lot of opportunity for bites, licks, and nibbles. (Or, giant slices of cake eaten when self-control finally reaches it's threshold after you've touched cake and ice cream fifteen times.) Next time I'll chew gum while I'm decorating and ask Brian to cut and serve.

3. I was physically in need of some rest and recovery. I needed to pay attention to my body and take some notes from Wednesday's workout. Eventually I did. I took two full rest days (Thursday and Friday) and went light on Saturday. I ended up squatting my 5x5 program, but only did 135 pounds. I lightened my leg press, hamstring curls, and lunges each to about 75%. I messaged Kemper about deloading, and he told me what I needed to do, which was not actually lighten my weight, but decrease my volume.

I actually wrote Kemper a joke about eating a ton of simple carbs being a part of a proper deload and he wrote back "Haha, I don't think so." I sat and looked at his response for five minutes wondering how I could communicate that I was serious and falling the heck apart. But at the end of the day Kemper is not my babysitter. He's not my AA sponsor. I am a grown-@ss woman and cannot cry to my trainer when I'm in a spiral. I can't expect him to drop his life to hold my hand and tell me not to eat crap food. (Although, now that I think of it, gyms really need emergency training sessions and/or hotlines for people in this situation. #milliondollarideaoftheday)(Kemper, you can have that one for BootKemp for free.)(You're welcome.)(Lollipop gift.)

I know - because I've read my share of weight loss blogs - that this is a common post to read, but it's not one I've ever had to write. It is scary, embarrassing, and shameful. And it's not okay. I know what I want. I know my goals. I know the path to get there. I am worth the time, effort, and hardship it will take to get there. It's not fair that I have to work so hard for something that comes naturally to other people, but that's life. Everyone struggles with something. This is my thing.

I feel like I need to announce, "My name is Kelly and I'm three days back on track," or something. Getting out of bed at 5:30 on Sunday morning to go do abs and HIIT was sooooooooo hard. But I did it, and everything else seems to be following suit. On Sunday I planned and prepped my food, and for three days now I've followed/enjoyed the plan. (*Check my new Pinterest board "dem macros doe" for the most amazing Parmesan Meatballs ever.*) Monday's bench day was awesome; I felt really good so I did my normal training plan, and even did 3x6 at 30# per dumbbell for shoulder press. I dropped in on a yoga class on Tuesday. I feel like I'm me again. It's still hard, but I think it always will be.

I survived this one, friends.

Thanks for the accountability, Internet.


Linking up today for Weigh-in Wednesday with Heather, Ash, and Erin.

24 comments:

  1. Sometimes its hard to face the facts and you did just that my friend. Acknowledged it head on and got back on track. Way to go!!

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  2. OK somehow I JUST found your blog from Heather and Ash's weigh-in Wednesday linkup, and I just KNEW you must be awesome since your name is Kelly! I have been there, done that with this post. You are doing so well for getting right back on track...you're human, this stuff happens. You are getting past it! And good lord, 5:30am on Sunday for abs and HIIT is incredibly impressive!!

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    1. Kelly's *are* pretty awesome ;-) We are true "warrior women"! As for abs and HIIT at 5:30 ... I tried to talk myself out of it for a solid minute, but thankfully I suck at negotiations. Thanks for the encouragement!

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  3. Okay, here goes. I used to label myself as a humor blogger. Then, when I wasn't feeling particularly funny, I felt like a failure. Awesome thing. After that, I labeled myself as a humor and food blogger, meaning that when I wasn't funny OR posting recipes, I felt like a double failure. Labels are the worst - point #1. I love your blog. I've loved it since I found it. I've never, however, thought to label you a weight loss blogger. You write about weight loss with humor and levity in a way that I so much appreciate. But you also write about Target, iced coffee, your kiddos, and the challenges of life in general. In my head, you're not a weight loss blogger - you're a blogger that I think I can relate to in terms of how I see the world in general. This brings me to point number 2 - I love your blog because of its (and your) humanity. You're a human being and last week you just had a VERY human week. It sucks, but I think you have the right attitude. Pick up and carry on. My dad always said that when we stand up after a fall, we're even stronger than before because of both the ego swallowing and strength required to get up and try it again. You're standing up again and you'll be better for it. (Singing "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" in my head, you know, because I think I kind of maybe get you :-P ) Keep your chin up! I love your blog for its ups and downs. But I applaud you for the bravery to blog even when everything isn't rosy and perfect. Sending so much positivity your way!

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    1. KATIE! I have missed you. I totally get your point about labels. I struggle with feeling like if you don't have a niche, it's hard to get a bigger audience, you know? But I don't want to *have* to write about the same things all the time...the struggle is real, yo.
      Thank you for sending me Kanye and all the positivity. It really means a lot when I post something so hard to get such amazing feedback from people I admire. So thanks :)

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  4. Pretty much what Katie said. I love that I can come here and we got this weight training used to be tri's bond. But you could decide to start painting, gain five hundred pounds and I'd still want to read about your life! I have honestly never thought of you as a weight loss blogger. With that said, you'll lose 2 of those pds this week, I promise some it's just water gain. I gave up cheat meals and I never had them when I was doing my big weight loss back in the day. Instead I learned to listen to my body, if I was REALLLLLY hungry and you know the really hungry I'm talking about. Almost like the pee pee dance except your dancing foot to foot because you are THAT hungry. Then I ate something outside the norm of what I usually ate. Even then I didn't go uber crazy. Whenever I tried to incorporate a cheat meal like a planned one. Yeahhhhh pretty much what happened to you. So let em go. Keep it like a wild card and only use it when necessary.

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    1. Haha - a wild card. You know when someone says something a certain way and it just "clicks"? "Keep it like a wild card". That. I *get* that. I'm going to use that one.
      Thank you for liking my blog; thanks for your continued encouragement, and thank you for the thought that I will lose 2 of those pounds this week ;-) I'm deadlifting tonight which should surely continue to turn things around!

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  5. You didn't fall off the wagon. I hate that term. It implies that you are either 100% or a failure. And you are most certainly NOT a failure. You're a human being and life isn't perfect. You just had some low days. That's it. You didn't give up. You didn't go hog wild and gain back a ton of weight. You ate different foods, probably had some water gain, and just had a bad emotional time. But you know what? Then you yanked a knot in your own tail and got back to your regular routine. That's it. So don't feel bad, mad, sad or any of those other words. You're doing great and giving other people who are human hope to just keep going on the day to day.

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    1. Thank you! You know how I'm all "words of affirmation" are my love language? Because of this certain phrases will stick with me to encourage me and "you yanked a knot in your own tail" is one of them that I can already tell I will use in the gym when I feel like quitting. So.awesome. Thanks for the ammo in my SUCK IT UP arsenal ;-)
      (and for the kind words!)

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  6. I knew we were secret soul mates. To make you feel better here is a link to a picture of my "pinterest fail" lego cake from December. I uploaded it to photobucket just for you :)

    http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x413/myboysteacher34/DSC_0009_zpsb86943a5.jpg

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    1. Ohmylanta, I love it! And yours still looked like Lego pieces when they were cut into individual servings. That is a definite win. I think we both know what this means ... We are *totes* hosting a Lego party together.

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    2. They both have that "butter cream won't set" "Salvadori Dali" melted clock look. We are super surreal and edgy.

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    3. That totally made me laugh out loud. Then I had this conversation with Pinterest in my head: "Yeah, Pinterest, I *meant* to do that. Because I'm surreal and edgy. You wouldn't get it."

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  7. You know sometimes I feel like I go a week or two really well, and then a few days not so great. But I just look at it like I am doing better than if I was not in the game at all. Each day is an opportunity for us to do better, and each situation is an opportunity to learn. I know for myself I respond better to being gentle with myself than being in Straighten Up and Fly right mode. Hugs!!!

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    1. Thanks, Leslie. I agree, anything is better than giving up completely! I love your philosophy about opportunities. How hopeful!

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  8. I just found your blog through the WIW linkup!

    It's SO hard to not eat through stress/feeling down. I'm currently battling #ALLTHESTRESS and it's horrible and I'm trying SO hard not to binge. It's hard. There's a jar of peanut butter cookies staring at me from the kitchen.

    PS you totes did not gain 4 pounds. You need to drink a ton of water and get back on track and it'll be gone before you know it. You got this!!

    aintnodramamama.blogspot.com

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    1. I'm pretty sure peanut butter cookies can actually send telepathic messages through their respective containers. They're all, "I'm soooooo delicious and filled with PROTEIN." Such temptresses ;-)
      Thanks for visiting and thanks for the encouragement. Water consumption fully started! Hoorah.

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  9. Your honesty is beautiful. I respect you more now than I ever have. Your ability to speak the truth, even when it is not positive, is what makes you awesome sauce in my book...for what it's worth. ♡

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    1. I love you Corrie Beth Ed Bill ... I totally forget the rest of them, but the sentiment is the same. Thank you for these kind words. They mean a lot coming from you. :)

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    2. I think Rafthead was in there somewhere. ..but I have no idea the purpose or context :)

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  10. I think it's great that you shared this! We all go through moments when we just really don't want to eat healthy and slip up! This shows your realness and is very relatable! By the way, I'm pretty sure it's a Mom Rule that the mom gets to have cake on the child's birthday after all you are the one that did the work on said day. :)
    xo Krissy @ Sneakers and Sequins

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    1. Thanks! It was so hard but it's what it was.

      P.S. I'm totally with you on the Mom Rule. Especially when it is a creation as stellar as the one I managed to put out ;-)

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  11. {{{hugs}}} What a great post. You made it so real...and you did it in your usual, awesome way. xoxo You rock!!

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