Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, July 28, 2014

That time I got put in Time Out at the gym

Saturday is my squat day. I mentally prepare for this, like, at least a day in advance. I daydream about the barbell on my shoulders, the weights I'm going to crush, and mentally rehearse the feeling of pushing up from a squat. What can I say? I'm a giant nerd I love to squat.

Last Saturday I slept in a little, drank some coffee, and headed to the gym. "SQUAT DAY," I may have been singing in my head. (Also, picture me twirling and doing heel kicks, because in my head I have both coordination and agility.) I felt so good as I walked up the stairs at Lifetime. Really good, I noticed as I was warming up with some foam rolling. In fact, as I prepared to find a squat rack I started to wonder about why I felt so good; I wanted to pinpoint the reason so I could repeat it in the future. My preworkout coffee was the same. Maybe the extra sleep? But man, I felt like I could FLY. Would simply having extra sleep have that effect? If only they could bottle that up and sell it in pill form ... ohmylanta.

I suddenly knew why I felt so good. It must have been the early morning muscle relaxer I took for my neck. The same muscle relaxer that would probably completely ruin my squat plans for the day. Maybe I was just being a drama queen; I could squat on muscle relaxers, right?

Powerlifter Sara was vehemently opposed to that plan. And unfortunately so was her trainer, who had the authority to ban me from squatting for the day. It was like I got put in time out but as a grown up. I straight up stomped my foot and probably announced I was having an internal tantrum. Trainer Corey did not care. I grudgingly substituted Sunday's Ab and HIIT workout for Squat Day and sucker-punched my bad attitude in the throat because First World Problems, anyone? (Also? My workout was AMAZING. Muscle Relaxers as Pre-Workouts 4 Lyfe (except on heavy lifting days)(which are actually the only days I take a pre-workout)(because Kemper tells me just to drink coffee)(but I already bought Cellucor C4 and that mess is expensive so Imma use it up)(but daaaaang, did I feel good doing Battle Ropes a tiny bit relaxed.)

(I came home from the gym and wrote a hilarious* (*this is subjective) post about how I'm an accidental druggie. I was all set to post it last Monday. But then I read Jennifer Weiner's book We All Fall Down and it is about a suburban mom who gets addicted to pills and it all hit too close to home and ruined the joke for me. So I trashed that post and now have this drivel up a week late. Thanks, *Addiction*. You've ruined it for everyone.)

The moral of the story is: Never let a trainer overhear you ask about muscle relaxers and heavy lifting. Also, "You're not the the boss of me," actually holds no persuasive power at Lifetime Fitness. You'll thank me for both of those tidbits one day. Probably.

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