Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Robin Thicke's Guide to Potty Training

Ok, now she was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature,
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no diapers
Facebook Status: In a marketing move that is totally paying off, I've renamed Potty Training "Go Ahead and Pee on the Floors, I Don't Mind So Much". Other possible name include: "8 Pairs of Underpants An Hour Ain't A Thang" and "Laundry Celebration Month".

I would rather do anything else in the entire world than potty train. By the grace of God and by the skin of my teeth (you just got hit with a Cliche Bomb - BAM!) I managed to teach three little girls how to use the facilities for their *ahem* voiding, but honestly, I have no clue what I'm doing, especially when a penis is involved.*

(*Case in point - Brian was all, "The heck are you doing?" when I was teaching Ezra to "dab-dab" after peeing in the potty. "Dudes shake it off." I tentatively reached forward to show Ezra how to "shake it off" (ugh, really?) and pantomimed a movement that closely resembled ringing a church bell, further convincing both of us that the parent with the lady bits should not be the one teaching the toddler how to handle what's a-dangle.)(I totally could not help that.)(Also, in my head that rhymed more.)

I've been slacking in the potty department with the idea that the Fairy Godmother of Underpants would show up on my doorstep and magically train Ezra with a wave of her wand (because my method of crying in frustration bribing him with Lightning McQueen underwear and/or m&m's just ain't getting the job done). I also loiter hopefully around the diaper aisle in major stores waiting for a film crew to waltz up with a grandmotherly saint of a host to take over this overwhelming task, a la Kitchen Crashers on HGTV, but with Toddlers and Toilets instead. (Oh wait, that sounds too much like a different toddler show that already exists.)(But maybe not, because at the end of the day Toddlers and Toilets would be about literal crap, and Toddlers and Tiaras is about figurative crap)(ZING)(#grammarlesson)

With all this information in hand, you may wonder exactly what was the catalyst that spawned me into Must Get Ezra Potty Trained overdrive. It started with a little trip to Target ...

At a mere half mile away, we frequent Target on a (minimum) weekly basis. We have been visiting our particular store for years now, and like any family with little kids who never stop talking to anyone within earshot we meet a lot of people. We are familiar with many of the employees, especially those within certain departments *cough* dressingroom *cough*.

On our latest trek to the Land of "What I Want for My Birthday" (what, your kids don't play that game at Target?) we had only a few items on our shopping list. Namely diapers, because my kids have all had skin issues and for some reasons none of them reacted to Target brand diapers. This trip was the quickest we've ever managed to get in and out, blowing past the Dollar Spot with a speed that surprised even me. While we were in the checkout line, waiting for our favorite cashier, Esther started to sing.

One of my favorite things about Esther is that she has close to perfect pitch and can imitate entire melodies within the first two hearings. As a former voice major, this totally makes my day. However, she has also inherited my gift for language; specifically the gift of misinterpreting song lyrics on a colossal level.

Her repertoire is quite varied, but her showstopper is usually a 7-10 minute medley of the soundtrack from the Sound of Music mashed with any song included during the entire Christmas season. Lately she has thrown Alicia Keys Girl on Fire on the set list, and also Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines.

Oh? You haven't heard Blurred Lines? Then you must live under a freaking rock because it was physically impossible to escape this song if you ever left your house even once during the last few months. Here is a snippet of this masterwork bound for the classics:

Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

If you can't hear what I'm trying to say
If you can't read from the same page
Maybe I'm going deaf,
Maybe I'm going blind
Maybe I'm out of my mind
Everybody get up

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey

One might think, if this lyrical poetry is any indication, that this song would be doomed to flop. Also, it's horrendously exploitative. But it has become the 2013 summer anthem. Why? It is catchy as heck. It is everything awful and lovely about pop music. You cannot go anywhere without hearing this song. In fact, all you reading that are convinced you have never heard this song - you've totally heard it. Just trust me. And guess who loooooooves this song? My five year old. And since words like "domesticate" and "liberate" are a bit above her pay grade, she has done some interesting things with her interpretation of these lyrics. Usually she substitutes amazingly creative hybrid words that mean nothing but fit syllabically. But none could have prepared me for the one she thought she made up and dropped at Target.

We finally made it to the front of the line. Esther looked straight at the cashier and with her darling little smile and sweet soprano voice sang,

"Oh Baby can't you see, I'd like to master bate ya."

OH YES SHE DID.

That's when I died.

And that's why Ezra has to pee in the potty, because I can never return to Target for diapers for the rest of my natural life.

19 comments:

  1. ha,ha,ha,ha....love the things kids say!!!
    Hated potty training with a passion, thought it would never happen...but it eventually did, as it does for every kid!! Ezra will too...

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    1. I sure hope so ...because right now the Potty Training Fairy has been skipping our house ;)

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  2. That was awesome. I love reading stuff like that. It's true life. It's real. Thank you for the laughs.
    One time I was in Target and was shoulder to shoulder, from isle to isle, with another mom and she had her 2 boys in tow. She hogged the isle, talked on her phone, ignored her kids, had perfect hair and snubbed me everytime I passed or said "excuse me". Of course, I end up behind her in the checkout lane. Her boys were fired up at this point. Singing, making up lyrics and songs and then they started to chant together "Mommy get us lunch! Mommy we are hungry. Mommy's on the phone. Mommy smells like fart! Mommy smells like fart! Mommy IS a fart!" She turned beat red and I happily laughed out loud, extra loud and maybe did a little box step in time with their song.

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    1. Ohmylanta, I LOVE THIS! I have "Mommy IS a fart!" Running through my head and it makes me giggle constantly. Thank you.

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  3. No WAY! Why don't you have your own reality show? And why does Toddlers and Toilets not exist??

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    1. Seriously! I had to google it to make sure it wasn't already a thing. I should hurry up and copyright that mess.

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  4. Oh my word...I needed that story to help me on my first day back to work after a mini vacation. I just laughed out loud! :-)

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    1. That's Esther for you ;) Happy Return to Work week!

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  5. You should take a break from homeschooling because I nominated you for a Sunshine Award on my blog! :)

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  6. Literally cannot stop laughing. Not even exaggerating. This made my week. Possibly my life.

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    1. You could always borrow her for your own special trip to Target. She's like the gift that keeps on giving.

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  7. hilllllarious and also parenting moment of the year love it

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    1. Thanks! Hey, I've been looking for your blog but I couldn't remember the name, so I'm glad you commented so I can link back and catch up on what I've missed since Tumbler. I've thought about you a lot!

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  8. OMGee! I may be the one who needs a diaper seeing as I almost peed myself from laughing so hard!! You are hysterical.

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  9. You had me at "dude's shake it off".

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    1. Lol - that should always be my new opening line anywhere I go. I will *kill* it at parties.

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    ReplyDelete

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