Blooper Reel - Take One

The beauty of the internet is that you can portray yourself any way you please. It's been likened many times as "displaying your highlight reel" (and is usually accompanied by the warning not to compare your own blooper reel against someone else's highlights). Thanks to this little blog I think I have been doing a stellar job of convincing everyone my daily life is as highlighted as they come. I mean, who wouldn't want to be the woman who is so good at parenting she kicked a hole in her kitchen wall? Or has the social graces to survive being conversationally accosted (*totally a real thing*) at Red Robin? 

But please know that I have my own moments. My life is so filled with gaffes that I'm beginning to see my life movie as one huge blooper reel ... without the chance for any retakes. (Which? Is pretty awesome because we can all agree that the blooper reel is the best part.) Here is one of mine from last week. You're welcome.

Scene: It is four minutes before Ezra's school begins. The lobby is pure chaos. There are about ten families milling around waiting for the teachers and aids to come claim the children for their classrooms. Ezra is standing next to me talking to his friend Cory. Cory is the youngest in the class, but also known as "the one whose DAD brings him".  (Cory's dad is infamous among the children because he works in customs and has a uniform that makes him look like a cop. He also looks a ton like a young Jason Statham, except with way more hair and tattoos.) Cory's dad is all sorts of cool and intimidates the heck out of me. This scene opens with him whispering to me as he tries to hand out invitations to Cory's birthday party.

Who is Erika? I never even knew they had a girl in their class. When did she show up? Should I invite her? Is that weird? Who is her mom?

MAMA. CORY HAS LIGHTENING.

Erika is that little girl with the blonde hair. *nonchalantly head nods* There. And that's her mom.

Cool. Thanks.

MAMA. CORY HAS LIGHTNING.

Awesome, Bud.

So this party thing. It's just a little thing at one of those jump house places. And we're celebrating after back at our house if you want to come by.

Sounds cool-

MAMA. CORY HAS LIGHTNING LIKE MINE.

Dude. That's amazing.

Oh, here's Hunter's mom. *Starts handing out the invitation* *realizes it's not filled completely out* DOES ANYONE HAVE A PEN?

I think I do-

MAMA-

Hold on, Bud. *reaches in purse*

*anxiously waiting as I root around* Yeah, any pen will do.

MAMA-

Dude. Just let me find this pen, baby.

*waiting* *waiting* *waiting*

MAMA-

Here you go *HANDS CORY'S DAD A TAMPON BY MISTAKE*







Aaaaaand I die.

End scene.