I left off on my yoga tutorial (Part 1 found here) with the warm up from hell. Let's return to the current scene: fiiiiine young gentleman is leading you through the next vinyasa* (*series of movements coordinated with your breathing)(this one the "real" workout).
Fiiiiine young gentleman will lead you through some moves that you vaguely recognize from previous classes, except the intensity of his poses produce in you the inner monologue of "Dude, is he on crack?" They will be slower and broken into smaller steps so be thankful, because this slow speed is exactly what you need in order to stay with the class. You will keep your eyes trained on the neighbor to your right until fiiiiine young gentleman has you turn to face the hallway; then, with your right side neighbor out of sight you notice the person behind you (now to your left, stay with me) is a YOGA SUPERSTAR and follow her every chance you get. You will finish the flow facing forward once again.
|She looks exactly like this, except slightly|
more bendy. (source)
As you mentally prepare for what is next, take a moment to practice your non-panic face and review the best moves in your arsenal of free-style interpretive dance. You will need them at your disposal. Fiiiiine young gentleman will say, "Now move through that vinyasa at your own pace, using your own breathing to guide you," and everyone else will know exactly what they are doing and you will be all, "THE HECK ARE WE DOING? NO ONE IS LEADING ME." Cover nicely with some flows that say, "Do I look like I know what I'm doing? No? Well I am communicating quite adequately then because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING." Randomly crouch into yoga-esque poses and notice, while you are glancing feverishly around the dark room to see if there is anyone you can copy, that some overachievers are actually standing on their heads. By choice.
|Sublurban Mama: making Santa Clause|
weird for you since 2014.
|This is how you want to do tree pose.|
|Since I forgot to take my camera, you'll just have to|
take my word that this is pretty much what I look
like in my sports bra and yoga pants. Give or take
thirty pounds. And, you know, the mid-section of
someone with four c-sections under her belt.*
(*did you see what I did there?) (source)
The last part of yoga will include frog pose. Frog pose is horrible enough on it's own, but it wouldn't be a proper yoga tutorial if I didn't prep you for what
Since your sweat is still an issue, as you settle into frog pose prepare for the following sequence of events:
1. Enter frog pose. Think it must be a joke. Look around and see everyone blissfully chilling out, not at all freaking out about their knees, inner thighs, or shoulders.
2. Listen to FYG say, "We are going to spend about three minutes here. Just the duration of this song." Listen to Adele sing one of the acoustic heart-breakers from her first album.
3. Wonder WHY THE HECK can't Adele sing any faster?
4. Squirm. Get caught by FYG. Listen to him say, "Try not to fidget. Embrace the discomfort." Know it's directed at you. Wiggle your toes vehemently in protest. He's not the boss of you.
5. Realize your sweat is turning into an agent of torture against you. Your whole upper body will tense in trying to keep you stationary. It will all be in vain. As the last of your upper body strength leaves your body, embrace the discomfort as your arms slide out from under your body as you crash onto the floor. Don't worry, your chin will break your fall.
6. Knock over a candle on your way down. You will be slightly stunned from the floor burn on your chin but you will have the presence of mind to acknowledge the need to right the candle before you burn down the yoga studio. Make a sound like you are about to throw up as you lunge toward the candle. As you take hold of the candle, saving everyone from a horrific death, notice it is electric.
7. Kill FYG and Adele.* (*Sike.)(Leave Adele alone.)
Yoga will try to end on a nice note. Namely, with corpse pose for five minutes. This is normally your favorite part of yoga. It is where you zone out and relax. Fiiiiine young gentleman will ruin this when he chooses to bring out a guitar and starts singing an original tune conveying that if you ever feel like giving up, come to him, he will embrace you and be there for you. You cannot relax because you are now in awe that your yoga class was taught by someone who probably wanted to be in One Direction.
And that will be enough to get you to go back.
Aaaaaand that is my tutorial. I hope you learned a lot. The moral of the story is: if you have never done yoga, you can't do much worse than me. (Unless your studio uses real candles.)(Then you could probably burn down the whole place.)(Which would be waaaaay worse.)(But that probably won't happen.)(Because liability.)
Happy yoga-ing everyone!