Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Yoga for Dummies - Part 2

If you are a teacher, you will understand when I say I've had to work all week on lapbooking, which is why I didn't post sooner. If you are not a teacher, lapbooking has nothing to do with being a stripper or the mafia. Totally don't worry if that's what you obviously thought at first. It is because of lapbooking that I needed yoga Monday. (Scrapper's Back, anyone?) It is also because of lapbooking that I missed yoga Monday. Thus the cycle of destruction continues.

I left off on my yoga tutorial (Part 1 found here) with the warm up from hell. Let's return to the current scene: fiiiiine young gentleman is leading you through the next vinyasa* (*series of movements coordinated with your breathing)(this one the "real" workout).

Fiiiiine young gentleman will lead you through some moves that you vaguely recognize from previous classes, except the intensity of his poses produce in you the inner monologue of "Dude, is he on crack?" They will be slower and broken into smaller steps so be thankful, because this slow speed is exactly what you need in order to stay with the class. You will keep your eyes trained on the neighbor to your right until fiiiiine young gentleman has you turn to face the hallway; then, with your right side neighbor out of sight you notice the person behind you (now to your left, stay with me) is a YOGA SUPERSTAR and follow her every chance you get. You will finish the flow facing forward once again.

She looks exactly like this, except slightly
more bendy. (source)
This is the time to hurry up and pat yourself on the back. You are NAILING yoga class. Congratulate yourself quickly before FYG does the whole vinyasa again but for the other side of your body. You will now need to mirror those moves you barely survived the first time around. This round will not be as smooth as the first attempt. In fact, when FYG asks you to move from triangle to a standing split without crashing to the ground you will snort a bit and get your back leg approximately eighteen inches from the ground. YOGA SUPERSTAR looks exactly like she is doing the splits in midair. (Don't worry, she probably has bad breath.)(Or punches kittens.)(Or secretly loves spam.) Ease out of standing splits into tree pose (HAHA), finish your vinyasa, and face front.

As you mentally prepare for what is next, take a moment to practice your non-panic face and review the best moves in your arsenal of free-style interpretive dance. You will need them at your disposal. Fiiiiine young gentleman will say, "Now move through that vinyasa at your own pace, using your own breathing to guide you," and everyone else will know exactly what they are doing and you will be all, "THE HECK ARE WE DOING? NO ONE IS LEADING ME." Cover nicely with some flows that say, "Do I look like I know what I'm doing? No? Well I am communicating quite adequately then because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING." Randomly crouch into yoga-esque poses and notice, while you are glancing feverishly around the dark room to see if there is anyone you can copy, that some overachievers are actually standing on their heads. By choice.

Sublurban Mama: making Santa Clause
weird for you since 2014.
Thankfully FYG will make the rounds and correct people on their form. He will be saying super helpful things like, "Shaking just means your muscles are getting stronger and more able," and, "We don't judge our bodies here, we only observe and notice them." (He also loves redundancy and restating things using different words.) You hope perhaps he will observe and notice you are completely lost and throw you a bone and move through this with you. You see as he nears you he pauses to correct a women in tree pose. He grinds stands behind her, pulls her shoulders back and uses his leg to wrap around her leg and turn her knee out. You will immediately feel like you are in the opening sequence of a porno. Once she is "adjusted" he will tell everyone to finish at their own pace. "Finish" the vinyasa you were in the middle of choreographing, face the front, and try to breathe. My compliments to you; you have survived the ab-libbed portion of yoga.

This is how you want to do tree pose.
You are dripping sweat. You are sweating in places you did not know contained sweat glands. Your earlobes are sweating. Your fingernails are sweating. Your teeth are sweating (editor's note: we call that drool, Kelly). This is the perfect opportunity to do some work on the floor.

Since I forgot to take my camera, you'll just have to
take my word that this is pretty much what I look
like in my sports bra and yoga pants. Give or take
thirty pounds. And, you know, the mid-section of
someone with four c-sections under her belt.*
(*did you see what I did there?) (source)
Take plank position. Your forearms are covered in sweat, so slide around a bit as you seek purchase on some kind of grip on the mat beneath you. Move to side plank. Raise your top leg and stretch your arm above your head. Now you are in serious trouble. All this sweat makes you think this must be what mud wrestling feels like. It is with that train of thought that fiiiiine young gentleman will choose to come over and "help" you out. He will be in the middle of murmuring, "Really streeeeetch it out," when he attempts to grab your hand and gently puuuuuuullll, but after the initial grip he will try to pull and your sweat will allow his hand to glide completely off your palm. He will stumble a bit, and you will giggle. He is centered so he will not giggle but merely reaffirm, "Shaking just means your muscles are getting stronger and more able. Feel it." (You will probably only feel like thinking of the movie Goonies, and dwell on the realization that Data was way ahead of his time with his invention of slick shoes; you have successfully repelled fiiiiine young gentleman with the slick power of your perspiration, effectively employing the same principle that saved the Goonies from the Fratelli family.)


The last part of yoga will include frog pose. Frog pose is horrible enough on it's own, but it wouldn't be a proper yoga tutorial if I didn't prep you for what might will undoubtedly occur.

Since your sweat is still an issue, as you settle into frog pose prepare for the following sequence of events:

1. Enter frog pose. Think it must be a joke. Look around and see everyone blissfully chilling out, not at all freaking out about their knees, inner thighs, or shoulders.

2. Listen to FYG say, "We are going to spend about three minutes here. Just the duration of this song." Listen to Adele sing one of the acoustic heart-breakers from her first album.

3. Wonder WHY THE HECK can't Adele sing any faster?

4. Squirm. Get caught by FYG. Listen to him say, "Try not to fidget. Embrace the discomfort." Know it's directed at you. Wiggle your toes vehemently in protest. He's not the boss of you.

5. Realize your sweat is turning into an agent of torture against you. Your whole upper body will tense in trying to keep you stationary. It will all be in vain. As the last of your upper body strength leaves your body, embrace the discomfort as your arms slide out from under your body as you crash onto the floor. Don't worry, your chin will break your fall.

6. Knock over a candle on your way down. You will be slightly stunned from the floor burn on your chin but you will have the presence of mind to acknowledge the need to right the candle before you burn down the yoga studio. Make a sound like you are about to throw up as you lunge toward the candle. As you take hold of the candle, saving everyone from a horrific death, notice it is electric.

7. Kill FYG and Adele.* (*Sike.)(Leave Adele alone.)

Yoga will try to end on a nice note. Namely, with corpse pose for five minutes. This is normally your favorite part of yoga. It is where you zone out and relax. Fiiiiine young gentleman will ruin this when he chooses to bring out a guitar and starts singing an original tune conveying that if you ever feel like giving up, come to him, he will embrace you and be there for you. You cannot relax because you are now in awe that your yoga class was taught by someone who probably wanted to be in One Direction.

And that will be enough to get you to go back.

Aaaaaand that is my tutorial. I hope you learned a lot. The moral of the story is: if you have never done yoga, you can't do much worse than me. (Unless your studio uses real candles.)(Then you could probably burn down the whole place.)(Which would be waaaaay worse.)(But that probably won't happen.)(Because liability.)

Happy yoga-ing everyone!



    I totally just laughed, SPEWING COFFEE OUT OF MY MOUTH and did a SPIT TAKE reading that!

    Add me to the throngs of people who have been EFFECTIVELY DISSUADED FROM and will NEVER BE ATTENDING yoga!!

    1. We should have a redundant yoga class. It will be TWICE AS LONG and take DOUBLE THE TIME.

  2. OMG THAT TOTALLY STRESSED ME OUT! I'm screaming because seriously it stressed me out that bad. But yeah been there done that. I just try to forget it ever happening as soon as I walk out of the room. Its pretty effective. And what a frog pose. I do believe I'm glad I never experienced it.

    1. I know, right? I feel like I should have earned some sort of merit badge for frog pose ;-)

  3. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.


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