Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, February 10, 2014

"I think your garage is on fire." "Cool. Thanks man."

There are many differences between men and women.

For example, at 9:30 Sunday night, when a couple is half way through the much anticipated return of Walking Dead, and they hear an unanticipated knock at the door, the man will stride confidently to answer the door, while the woman will beg him to take a weapon because who comes over unannounced on a Sunday night?

The man will check out the window, open the front door, and through the storm door say, "HEY. HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MAN?" The woman will stand looking out the front window silently lamenting that her man does not even have a baseball bat with him, because surely anyone knocking on the front door late at night is out to cause great bodily harm. I mean, she has seen movies about home invasion.

The man knocking on the door will say, "Sorry, bro, I was just driving by and there is a lot of smoke in your driveway. Like, it's on fire. There are flames next to your garage." The woman listening will begin to freak the heck out, because of course there really is no fire, this is how young man lures your man outside where a gang of bandits rape and pillage the entirety of your household. Because, the Bible*.

*this may be a minor taking out of context the account of Sodom and the angry mob outside of Lot's door.

The man of the house will hear the words "smoke", "fire", and "flames" and respond calmly, "Thanks, man." He will gently close and lock the front door, put on his coat, and walk through the kitchen to the garage door. The woman will hear those same words and, mixed with her skepticism about the reality of said fire, be all, "WHY AREN'T YOU PANICKING AND PLEASE TAKE A WEAPON."

The man will open the garage door, say, "Stay here," and serenely stroll into the dreaded abyss. The women will dash through the house to see if she can see anything through the front window. When that proves insufficient she will dash back to the garage door and open it a teensy bit in order to check the status of her beloved's life, and her beloved will be shoveling snow onto the actual fire in front of the garage and yell at her, "CLOSE THE DOOR," because when plastic melts there are toxins.

The woman will forget the fire and be all, "Dude, he yelled at me," and return to watching The Walking Dead.

The man will come inside and say, "I guess the embers were still hot."

The woman will say, "WHAT?"

The man will explain, "When I cleaned out the fireplace I emptied the coals into the plastic bag inside the plastic garbage can."

The woman will respond (incredulously), "You didn't think maybe it would melt anything?"

"Yeah, that's why I put it outside our garage. Because I learned from the last time I started a fire in the garage*. Don't worry, it's out now."

The woman will think practically. "Is our garbage can okay?"

The man will laugh and respond, "No, it's totally gone. Once the snow I put on top of it melts you'll be able to see the handle. That's all that's left."

There you have it. The main difference between men and women? A women won't let a little thing like a fire interrupt the mid-season premiere of The Walking Dead.



*When we were engaged I was out of town and Brian celebrated his last bachelor Fourth of July by setting off large amounts of fireworks at his parents house. He disposed of these fireworks in the garbage can inside of their garage. His mother awoke to a garage filled with flames. Thankfully the house was spared. Brian, however, will never live it down as long as I have a blog.

8 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha.....hopefully our panic happened on a commercial break! ha ha ha

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    1. I handled it very well, don't worry. ;-) I only missed a few minutes.

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  2. Lolol! You tell a story better than anyone I know!! Oh, and I have known people who HAVE lost houses due to embers in a plastic garbage can. You just never know when they're really out, it seems!

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    1. In all seriousness, I'm really thankful our house didn't catch fire. We would have gone to sleep and it could have done some serious damage. I think it's time to invest in a metal pail for embers!

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  3. This story is hilarious!! If I have people knocking on my door at 6PM on a Sunday I'm freaking out. And way too funny on the trash can. . . my dad would always save up the big metal coffee cans and put the embers in there.

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    1. Thanks for reading! I think I'm going to take your advice and find a metal can for embers.

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