Not your average suburban mom. I’m more your typical, normal, commonplace, everyday, garden-variety suburban mom. With a thesaurus.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Out-Mommed by a 22 year old Dude

This girl? Just earned some new music for her iPod.

Three loooong months ago my sweet baby girl got me an iTunes gift card for Christmas. I promised myself I could spend it when I lost ten pounds, which of course I figured would take me about three weeks because I specialize in delusional behavior.

If you happened to have read between those lines, yep, I am totally down ten stinkin' pounds. (Also, this marks the first time in my personal history that I've ever lost weight while on my period. That's one for the books.)

This wondrous event was cataloged Monday night at approximately 8:05 p.m. Ten pounds off of my frame and my body fat has dropped more than 5% total. I can almost comfortably wear my old workout clothes to the gym. (Almost. I mean, it is Lifetime Fitness - home of the super model cardio queens who exercise in full makeup with their hair did) (while I rock a three year old Warrior Dash t-shirt and a killer mom ponytail) (what I'm saying is that all those ladies ain't got nothin' on me) (especially when I finally show up in my tank tops that display my broccoli tattoo)(#makingeveryonejealous).

Don't let this sweet teddy bear of a face fool you into
thinking he is a softy. (cue sarcasm font)
After I weighed in I sat with Kemper to pick every corner of his brain because I still don't fully understand what I am doing with food and lifting. This is mainly because The Internet has been waaaay too free in it's availability of information that may or may not really be helping my cause. Often a simple Googled question makes me suddenly want to move to Florida and be trained by Elliot Hulse at Strength Camp even though he scares the everloving bejebus out of me and would probably make me cry ugly tears out of pain and/or fear.

My main point of contention are dead lifts. This is primarily because I have to use free weights in order to do them, and I'm just really scared of that side of the gym free weights and also uncoordinated.*

*Story for free: Do you all remember when Trainer Tom used to call me Jay Leno? He would give me a twenty pound plate (to hold "like a dinner plate") and have me use it for squats with an overhead press. Without fail, every.single.time I would squat, as I came up I would smack myself in the chin with the plate. I would show up for our running class and he would look at me and just laugh, because my chin would be all bruised. Awesome.*

After I got some answers about dead lifts, I asked Kemper about food. Honestly, it's starting to get hard. Not my food choices, but figuring out how to feed the other five members of my family while I'm living the PROTEIN FEST dream. I asked Kemper if he cooked. (Truth? I was kinda hoping he would be all, "I totally live with my parents and mom cooks all my food," so I could feel better about myself.) What he did was talk to me about the importance of food prep and then took out his phone and showed me a picture of the fruit of his Sunday labors - an entire cookie sheet of seasoned chicken tenders that he could eat throughout the week. He food preps just like every fitness blog tell you to do. And? The picture was Pinterest-worthy. It was totally healthy and responsible. I felt entirely out-mommed.

I left the gym feeling a little more comfortable with some things and also super stoked because did I mention I'm down ten pounds?!

Now I just have to get some new music. Because I love my children (and am a complete sucker) I am getting Ezra "Happy" by good old Pharell. (He screams, "DIS IS MY FAVORITE!" whenever he hears it because Despicable Me.) I am getting the *clean* versions of "Thrift Shop" and "Can't Hold Us" for the girlies because we are nothing but current ;-) I know I'm going with some Lil Jon, DJ Khaled, and Kanye for my runs, and also some Artic Monkeys and Imagine Dragons for when I'm feeling like a giiiiiiirl.

Anyone else have any suggestions? I need something I can move to and also that acts as a soundtrack for the imagined movie I am starring in in my mind when I workout (because everyone fills their brain with fantastical grandiose fantasies of saving the world/curing cancer/running from dinosaurs a la Jurassic Park while they work out, right?)


  1. I cannot believe you mentioned Imagine Dragons...I had NEVER heard of them so I hope you won't kill me when you hear they were the main entertainment, in a hotel ballroom, for us on Steve's work trip...yep, 400 screaming 40 year olds...and we left to order room service :)

    Anyhoo, CONGRATS ON THE TEN!! I'm jealous but so happy for you...I need to drop some too! See you soon!!

    1. This comment cracks me up because I remember sitting on your deck and watching Steve look DUMBFOUNDED that I might listen to rap. I can see Imagine Dragons not really being your scene ;-) Thanks for the congrats - we'll do some treadmillin' soon, ok?

  2. I'd recommend some of what I listen to......but it might scare you. I learned to really like techno on long runs because the songs last usually five minutes (I can't be the only one who hates the interruption of a new song). It has the right running tempo and typically they are enough a like, you don't go from Sex Pistols to Cindy Lauper. So.....good luck with your search. Now on to the TEN PDS??!!!! Dang girl! I'm off to read what you eat again. Thats really incredible! Oh and the dead lifts, dude I used to be so scared of free weights. Crossfit took care of that post haste, whats a dead lift compared to a clean and jerk (look that crazyiness up, I truly thought I'd dump a barbell on my head and I was so bad at it at first my coach had to cut it down to bite size portions as he to was worried I'd dump it on my head too. I got the grace of a Goose with no foot!). If it helps at all truly we all feel like that, it will get more comfortable, just keep watching the tutorials until it makes sense to you. And remember you have EVERY right to be over there! NOW go learn a thruster heck it can cancel out like three other exercises in one fell swoop!:)

    1. I had to look up thrusters. There is so.much. to learn! I FREAKING LOVE this stuff. I'm totally not ready for Crossfit but I did do some drop sets this morning which makes me feel like a total badass.


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