I got found out. Go ahead and judge me. I'm not who you think I am, after all.

I honestly thought I could get away with it. It would be my own private dirty secret, and no one would be any wiser. Life would go on, I would be my normal self on the outside, while inside I held tightly to the truth, lest anyone discover what a hypocrite I am.

But then Brian confronted me Saturday night.




"Kel, what is this?" he chastised gently from across the kitchen. I looked up, guilt in my heart and fear in my eyes as I prepared to suffer through this dreaded conversation.

"Honey, I ... I don't know what to say."

"Please just tell me this isn't what I think it is." I hung my head in shame. How many times had I sworn I wouldn't do it? How many times had I made fun of those who made the choice themselves? How many times had I argued against it? Didn't I have, in the very annals of Sublurban Mama, written declaration of my stance against this very thing? I quickly blurted out my defense.

"I know. I just caved to the desire for a ... a change in my life. You can understand that, right, Babe? Besides, I'm making BLT's later this week and I might die if I eat another lettuce wrap."

So hyprocrite. Many ashamed. Much full of delicious BLT on actual bread.

Yes ... yes, that is Ezekiel bread you see in my house. Yes, I paid an astronomical amount for it because BLT's. And yes, the truth will find you out, my friend. So there you have it folks. Please, keep the rude emails to a minimum. I promise I'll be less hasty with my life-stance declarations in the future. (And I'll wait at least a week before getting my "Sprouted Wheat 4 Lyfe" tattoo.)

What's Going In Your Pie Hole?

Yesterday I shared that the methods that helped me lose 100 pounds (and keep it off for two years) were no longer proving effective. Read yesterday's post to get caught up, because today we are sitting down with my new favorite trainer Kemper to talk turkey. Literally.

After that horrible weigh in, I sat with Kemper miserably recounting everything that comprises my usual diet. The conversation started in stellar fashion with this little gem:

"Don't judge me, but my big splurge happens first thing in the morning with 150 calories of iced coffee."

Kemper looked up from his notepad and said, "At what time?"

"Around 5:30."

"What's in your iced coffee? Do you make it yourself?"

"Nope. It's pretty much milk and sugar with a hint of coffee thrown in for caffeine's sake. But it's delicious and it's my treat." (*insert stomping foot*)

Because Kemper has amazing self-control he chose not to comment and asked me to continue. I told him I always eat toast with peanut butter for breakfast, a mid-morning snack of a Kashi bar or some fruit (a.k.a. always a Kashi bar), a ham or turkey sandwich for lunch, an afternoon snack of popcorn, and then whatever family dinner I prepared. He asked me about the quality of my bread. ("Whole wheat!" I answered proudly.) He asked what I ate after I worked out at night. ("Um, nothing really. If I have calories left I might eat cereal or ice cream.")

He sat back and said, "It looks like you eat a lot of carbs."

Dun - dun - DUN.

He went on to outline a plan that was partly brilliant and partly ridiculous for me to even consider. These are some of his suggestions that I took.

1. For one week (JUST ONE WEEK, KELLY) give up the iced coffee. It's a ton of sugar to start your day with, and leads to huge spikes in blood sugar that affect your body for the remainder of the day.

(We compromised with tea with cream. And? After a week of Kemper's diet I don't even want my iced coffee right now. WHAAAAA?)


2a. Replace whole wheat bread with whole grain bread, preferably Ezekiel bread.

(This is one of those things that will never, ever happen because I've tried Ezekiel bread and I hate it. I also have food allergy kids and am not spending a dime more on bread than I already do. We compromised with organic whole grain rice cakes that I already had at home - which I eat for fun because I love them.)

But not too angry.

2b. Never eat a carb by itself. Always eat a carb with a fat and a protein.

(This has led to food combining that makes eating waaaaay more fun. Instead of, "Ugh, I want to eat all the popcorn but instead I have to eat this sucky apple" now it's "This apple is amazingly non-sucky when you dip it in peanut butter!" Instead of suffering through a handful of berries (which are delicious but leave me seriously wanting) I now get a container of greek yogurt (which has a ton of protein) mixed with my berries. It's like a world of endless possibilities.


3. EAT MORE PROTEIN. LIKE, A CRAPTON MORE PROTEIN. A crapton is the amount where you think, "If I eat one more gram of protein I will yammy all over Lifetime Fitness" but add a chicken breast and a protein shake. That's close to the amount you should eat.

(This is actually my favorite rule and tied for the most effective guideline Kemper put in place. I think it's because it is about eating more - allowing more, not restricting. Also, I did a lot of Pinteresting research to find different sources of protein, which kind of felt like a treasure hunt.)(Rad.)


4. Drink more water. Focus on getting half your body weight in ounces of water everyday.

(For me that meant 80+ ounces of water every single day. This has tied for my favorite guideline because it had some unexpected effects. I am a diet pop girl. I drink it every day. I've tried to give it up but have been so afraid of weight gain (go ahead and laugh at the irony) that I've always returned to my calorie free taste fest. The craziest thing that happened when I started pounding water like I was Shamu without my pool (not a fat joke) was that I didn't have time to drink anything else. I was fully four days without diet pop before I even realized it.


5. Eat every few hours, and especially after you work out.

(This has been harder than expected. Sometimes I am still full from the last time I ate. But at least I don't feel deprived.)(Also, can we take a moment to appreciate that my biggest problem has been finding ways to eat all the food Kemper wants me to eat?

After my workouts I've been sipping some 100 calorie protein shakes. They a'ight.)

Now I am sure there are scientific facts and reasons to back up all this advice. I know it has a lot to do with blood sugar and muscle growth but honestly, science isn't my thing. When Kemper asked me to try it for a week (oh, and did I mention he told me not to count calories?!) I said I would but if I gained weight - "I'll quit my job," Kemper interrupted.

I followed this advice as best as I knew how. Here is a sample of my diet and what Kemper had to say about it afterward.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26

6:00 a.m.

 16 oz water

   tea with cream

7:30 a.m. 

rice cake with peanut butter

                two scrambled eggs (Kemper - can you add a third egg?)

8:30 a.m. 

16 oz water

11:00 a.m. 

Greek yogurt with berries (Make sure it's plain, not filled with sugar.)

almonds

12:30 p.m. 

leftover homemade Tuscan soup

                  salad (Throw on some extra olive oil for more fat.) (Emphasis mine.)

16 oz water

3:00 p.m. 

tea with cream

                ham and cheese roll-ups (That's good.)(I felt like I earned a gold star.)

5:30 p.m. 

BLT flatbread

16 oz water

6:30 p.m. 

32 oz water (4 mile run, Core 30 class)

8:30 p.m. 

protein shake (Can you add a banana?)

This day added up to around 1500 calories and 85 grams of protein. I also drank 112 oz of water (if you include my tea). 

Now, the moment of truth. The results.

After one week I lost 3 pounds and 2% body fat. I ate waaaaay more food (in volume) than normal, and never felt hungry-hungry. Even more interestingly, I'm not craving any of my junkie foods. Kemper gets to keep his job after all.

Now, I realize this is a really premature post. This is entirely too new to me to pretend I understand all that I am doing and why. I'm still really uncomfortable with not counting calories (in fact I cheated and totally did even when Kemper suggested I stop doing it). I am a 34 year old woman who has never known her hunger to dictate portion size. When Kemper says, "Eat some almonds and some bell pepper for a snack," I want/need to know exactly how many almonds and how much bell pepper he is talking about. This was kind of foreign to him. He suggested I read the serving size label and eat one serving. I still need these kind of rules. But so far Kemper has steered me in the right direction. So I'm following him.

My next weigh in is Monday night. I'll keep you posted. Have a great weekend!

Don't worry, I survived.

There are people in this world that have never seen a real snowflake. They probably made one out of a coffee filter in elementary school art class, or have eaten a snow cone from the county fair (suddenly they live in Mayberry because county fair?), or have grand illusions of the experience of building a snowman. But guess what? These people don't come from Michigan. In Michigan it snows almost every single year. Sometimes a little. Sometimes a lot. Regardless of the amount, Michiganders are no strangers to snow fall.

This is where I need to ask: Michigan, what. the. heck?

A big storm was predicted to hit Sunday. We were to expect anywhere from 6-12 inches of the white stuff in about a 24 hour period. I usually grocery shop on Saturday morning, so on Saturday morning I took Hosanna with me to the store, expecting a regular shopping day and OHMYLANTA.

Everyone in Southeastern Michigan was panicking about Snowmageddon 2014 doing their shopping as well. Brian went back to our grocery store later that day to pick up one little thing and took these pictures with his cell phone.

When it all hits the fan, I hope you don't need pre-sliced vegetables.

Or potatoes.

There is now a black market for bagged salad greens.

After all that roughage, you're certainly going to want to be prepared for the end result.

In case you are wondering, we did get the snow. It snowed all day Sunday. Thankfully, we had a delicious salad for dinner because I was prepared.

Today we are planning to make a snow fort in the front yard like rednecks, eat some snow ice cream, and probably screen Monsters University for the bazillionth time. Happy Snow Day, Midwest!

It's What's For Dinner

Just an average family dinner at my house.

It's 6 a.m., so I've obviously got one thing on my mind.

What's for dinner tonight?

Food.  I eat it everyday, so, I'm pretty much a fan.  Everyone has a personal philosophy about food, conscious or otherwise, because they make food decisions several times a day.  Some people even think their ideas about food are the ideas about food for everyone. Since I'm a little funny about others telling me what I should eat (not a pride thing, just a natural consequence of having food allergy kids and being a woman that has lost 100 pounds and is terrified of gaining it back)  I adopt a bit of a free-lovin' hippie-esque view of personal diet.  My current food philosophy is:  everyone is different, discover your needs and your wants, and exercise balance (in your diet, not on the Wii board) (although that's okay, too) (geez, stop being so touchy).

In 2004, a documentary called Super Size Me prompted Brian and I to try thirty days of whole foods, which is as close to clean eating as I have ever done.  We should have known this challenge was doomed from the start, when 45 minutes into a documentary showcasing how revolting the fast food industry is we broke for a Big Mac run.  We committed to the "Whole Foods Challenge" on a whim, even though my idea of healthy food was iceberg lettuce and the occasional apple. I guess you should theoretically know how to cook before you embark on a whole foods diet.  It was my practice to pass over any recipe that started with "chop one onion" because it was too much work.  So, you can see how prepared we were to go all whole foods for a month.

It did not go well.

Starting with the twenty-four ingredient Stuffed Portabella Mushroom Burgers was probably a bad choice.  The menu sounded wonderful to Brian until he came home from work to discover me crying in the kitchen because I was so overwhelmed mostly because I didn't want to touch the mushrooms, and prompt me to leave him with a 19 month old, a 5 month old, and an unfinished recipe while I took a long drive to recover from feeling like the worst wife/mother/chef ever. And maybe stopped to buy myself some "therapy" Subway.

Eventually I learned to cook,  which came in handy when God gave us a child that is allergic to milk.  And eggs.  And peanuts.  And tree nuts.  And sesame seeds.  And berries with seeds on the outside.  And citrus.  And high fructose corn syrup. (Up until that last one you were all, "That's not so bad, we could manage that."  But then I dropped the HFCS bomb and you were like, "WHAAAA?  HOW DO YOU FUNCTION?" I know, right?)

Actually, with that last allergy we are perfectly set up to eat a clean diet.  There is just one problem.  Taco Bell is delicious I am so lazy.  That's not 100% true.  It's more like 75% true. There are so few convenience foods our family can eat that when I discover that generic Fruit Loops are free of any of our families allergens, I'm all (and say it like you are a queen bestowing favor upon the land), "FRUIT LOOPS FOR BREAKFAST FOR EVERYONE!"

Which actually sounds like tonight's plan for dinner.  Full circle.  Done.

Totally not our generic Fruit Loops.  And I am so jealous.  These have an angry eagle throwing up a rainbow of cereal.  It's almost downright patriotic.

All of these are on my Bucket List*

Did you see what I did here?

Now that my triathlon is accomplished (I have mentioned I did a triathlon, right?) I realized I should tackle some of the other things on my Bucket List.  This really occurred to me while I was in Whole Foods with the kiddos, stocking up for the Great Cottage Get-Away of 2012.  (I love going into WF and purchasing only the following items:  Skinny Pop popcorn, Barney Butter, 3 bags of chocolate chips, marshmallows, boxed macaroni and cheese, freezer waffles, and freezer french toast. It's like the total crap aspect of my purchase is negated by the WF shopping bag.)(Also, WF sells People magazine.  I want to meet the person brazen enough to buy an entertainment gossip magazine - probably printed on massacred trees of the Amazon rainforest using ink from the blood of baby seals - from WF.)

While I was in WF letting the kids consume their daily calories in samples taste a few new treats, we stopped and stared in awe, appreciating anew the dessert showcase.  I realized I have never eaten at WF.  Not the hot bar, not the salad bar, and certainly not the mecca of chocolate goodness that disguises it's empty calories behind mind-blowingly gorgeous artistic creations that deserve to be eaten.   And I thought, "I totally want to eat everything here."  Hence, Summer List #1.  Eat at WF strictly for the dessert.

Another thing I want to do this summer is kayak.  Since I've done well with learning to overcome my fear of lakes, I feel pretty confident that even if I tipped my kayak I wouldn't panic in such a way that would make me seem like an epileptic krumping in the middle of Lake Huron.  Also, since I've lost 105 pounds, I feel I'm less inclined to get wedged firmly with no hope of escape inside the kayak. So, Summer List #2. Go Kayaking.

Summer List #3 is one people have been trying to sell me on for years.  #3.  Go camping.  Every year our church goes on a weekend camping trip.  It's a ton of fun I've heard because I never attend. The kids run free while the adults chill out.  There is swimming, hot dog eating, camp fire visiting (that's where people visit with one another around a campfire, not visiting actual campfires, FYI), and basically everything awesome about camping rolled into one weekend, with a hundred of your buddies (and kiddo's buddies).  The only thing is, I really like air conditioning.  And beds.  And showers.  And I like a little privacy when I'm doing my business.

(True Story:  In tenth grade I went to Interlochen Arts Camp for two weeks.  This is a camp to which you have to be accepted via vocal audition (well, for the choir part), and it's kind of a big deal in my head only to go.  Music camp?  I know most some of you are thinking, "This one time, at band camp ..." but it totally wasn't like that.  Too much.  Really.  Anyway, Interlochen didn't really specialize much in privacy (and with a bunch of performance-loving campers, the "I like to poop in private" demographic was minute) so I didn't go for two whole weeks. No joke.  And you wonder why I don't like camping?)

So this summer we are signed up for the camping trip.  I will go, and also go.  Because I'm also currently skipping my iron.

Summer List #4. Have a girly get together (probably in a restaurant because I'm not driven enough to host a soiree) with tons of friends mainly so I can wear heels. You are all invited.  (But this can't turn into Project X, so be rational people.)

This list is neither exhaustive or conclusive.  I was going to post a well thought out, complete list, but then I went to the gym where I watched both TMZ and Extra, and now I'm a bit blindsided that Kristen cheated on Rob.  Whaaaaa?  Now it's like I can't even focus.  So, yeah, cheating ruins it for everyone.

What's on your summer list?  Help me out, because obviously Kristen made some bad decisions without even factoring in my To-Do List, and now I'm just ... lost.




*The title = I'm not going to lie.  I stole this joke.  The whole Bucket List/picture of buckets thing.  I stole it from Bo Reinhart, guitar player of my favorite band in the whole world, who I might stalk on Twitter even though I don't have a Twitter account and maybe just spent a lonely night looking up Twitter accounts and reading them like a housewife reads 50 Shades.  Desperately.

P.S.  This post probably has the most links in one post that link directly back to my own blog. Which is both awesome and self-indulgent.  If you need an exit strategy ...

Vitamin B is a Jerk

Facebook Status: ‎"Mama takes pills EVERYDAY to help her stay awake" -Esther to the lady at the bike shop. I should probably explain the Vitamin B and Iron supplements a bit differently.

I run in circles where kombucha, wheat grass, and Dr. Fuhrman are vocabulary words used in casual conversation.  However, I'm more of a foreign exchange student in these conversations, offering helpful tidbits like, "Dude, Burger King has sweet potato fries*!"

Since my diet is the very definition of balanced, imagine my surprise when, after baby #4, I was found to be anemic.  And crabby.  And tired.  And a titsch moody.  My doctor suggested an iron supplement and a supplement of "the B's" for good measure.

I realized I hate supplements.

It was supposed to take a while to feel the desired effects of the supplements.  Unfortunately the undesired effects were felt sooner.  In order to be a good steward to my body I would need to persevere and keep taking the pills ...

...but.

There's the crux of the matter.  Butt. Iron quickly works it's charm, and you are left desperately looking for an iron cure.

There is a delicate balance in formulating just how much fiber you need to combat all that supplemental iron.  Benefiber in your apple cider is probably overkill.  But only eating an apple - Mama might be a bit *cranky*.  And quite frankly, I'm not that patient.  Or that skilled at trial and error.  Or that ready to be my own 'finding a good formula for consistent pooping' guinea pig.

After much scientific hypothesizing, testing, and reflecting not thinking about it at all, this is the method for taking supplements I have decided works best.

I take the supplements with renewed commitment for as long as it takes me to become constipated. I stop taking them until Brian says, "Are you taking your supplements?" in response to my completely (un)reasonable tearfulness, incessant need to nap, and endless complaints about brittle fingernails.  So I start taking them again with renewed commitment ... this cycle goes on until the supplements expire, and I throw them away.

So far, this is a stellar plan.  And it doesn't waste money at all.

If all that drama weren't enough reason to personally hate supplements, here's one more you may not have thought about obvious one.
  

When you completely on accident pee in the group shower at the gym, supplements like Vitamin B and Iron turn what should have been a private faux pas into a literal neon stream trumpeting your blunder to the world.  (Now, I'm not saying this has ever happened to me, because it would be too mortifying to admit.) (Also? Gross and unsanitary.  Probably it's safe to also throw 'inconsiderate' in the mix even if it was completely out of your control.)  But I will say that if it ever happened to anyone else I wouldn't judge her.  Because I have been there, being a mom with incontinence issues, when you have absolutely no control over your bladder.  Especially in a warm shower.  But way to go, Vitamin B, for outing a girl.


So, yeah, in conclusion, Vitamin B is a jerk. 

*The BK sweet potato fries are totally a let down.  Huge.  But the brownie sundae?  Dude (say it like your mind's blown).

You say Bro-tay-to, I say Bro-tah-to

 I am dying here.

Hey, BRO!  Another Facebook Friday! I am on fire with these things!


This week I am going to focus on one of my favorite things: food.  Here are a few of my Facebook Statuses over the years involving the very thing that helps sustain my svelte figure.

On Kelly's Diet Philosophy:

If you ignore the adjective "chocolate", my decision to have eggs for breakfast is both healthy and responsible.

We took all the leftover veggies from the garden and turned them into crackers using the dehydrator. They smell like whatever is the opposite of delicious.

To help those bound by legalism, if you simply make your ice cream sandwich out of WAFFLES it totally counts as breakfast.

Listen up Blueberries, Salmon, Almonds, Dark Chocolate - you may have earned your "Super Food" status with your vitamins and antioxidants, but before you get all elitist, know that happiness contributes to good health, too.  And today, corn dogs make me really happy.  So I'm adding them to the list.

On Teaching Healthy Habits:

Scene: Kelly drinking straight from a two liter of Diet Coke.
Eve: Can I have some?
Kelly: No, I'm not feeling well and I don't want you to catch anything.
Eve: It sounds like you're sick with a case of Bad Manners.

Taco Bell is the new cut up organic fruit.  The other moms at the splash park just didn't get the memo yet.  Don't they feel silly.

After closely observing Mama eating cherries, Esther now thinks it is appropriate to chew your food for awhile, and then spit it out.

I just broke up a sibling dispute over whose piece of bacon had more pig in it.

On Things That Are Not Food But Are Treated As Such:

Taking my Gandhi lecture to heart, Esther tried to "be the change she wanted to see" by eating a penny.

According to Poison Control, ingesting the chemicals in a glo-stick is surprisingly non-toxic and apparently quite common.  I'm a bit disappointed; I thought Esther was being pretty original.  Added bummer?  The stick was so old there is ZERO chance of getting to see her glow.

Good Morning, Poison Control!  Yes, those are super delicious vegan banana muffins you smell cooling on the counter.  No, I cannot explain why Esther thought A&D Ointment would be tastier.


(Did you notice the common element in the "not food" posts?  I freaking love Esther.)

Have a fantastic weekend.  Try not to swallow any glo-sticks, and, if you do:

See y'all Monday!

Apparently "clean eating" has nothing to do with the Five Second Rule

This is hilarious if you know
Bear Grylls.  If not, it's probably
disturbing in view of
 my SuperNanny post.
Google Bear Grylls immediately.

Which is both disappointing and embarrassing, as I have been liberally applying the rule and claiming to "eat clean" for years.

It's all the rage for triathletes (well, I'm pretty sure all athletes, but triathletes are the people whose blogs I am currently stalking) and after about 20 billion references to "clean eating", I decided to do some research (i.e. Goggle it) and truly define what it is.

Turns out no one knows.

There are so many different ideas about clean eating my head started to spin after visiting just two pages.  Like with any idea that is simple in theory (eat only things found in nature) but hard to apply (because Nutella is delicious) people have added rules and amendments to make their struggle seem more legit.*

*which is fine, I'm not judging.  I'm all about justification and Lord knows I have eaten dozens my share of cider mill donuts on the premise that I can't let them sit on the counter and get stale. Because that would be morally wrong.

With clean eating some people focus more on unprocessed foods, some mostly on the way you view food and how and when you feed your body, some on avoiding preservatives and artificial ingredients.  The hardcore people do all three.  And more, maybe.  As I said, I actually know nothing about this.  Some tout* the benefits of veganism, while others wouldn't dream of cutting out fish, chicken, or eggs.

*random linguistic fact not at all related to this post:  "tout" actually has connotations with horse racing (like to solicit bets on a race horse) so it's kind of the most inappropriate word to use when applied to the benefits of veganism.  Which is both ironic and useful information.  BAM! - you're smarter.


I have dabbled in the thought of trying to eat clean.  And by dabbled I mean I thought, "That would be a lot healthier," as I noshed on Cracker Jack.  Also, every morning I vow to drink all eight glasses of water I'm supposed to be drinking, so there's that.  I also own wheat germ.  I'm practically the poster child for the Food Pyramid.  Not that I trust/believe in the Food Pyramid;  we all know it's totally the secret love child of Big Food and the U.S. Government.  (And THAT'S how you get put on watch lists.)

If I designed the food pyramid it would look a lot different. Like 30 40 45 percent would be International Delight Mocha Iced Coffee, 10 percent would be refrigerator oatmeal and/or Special K with red berries, and the rest would be Eat Whatever You Want because I Am Not Your Mama. (UPDATE: hubby just informed me they've gotten rid of the Food Pyramid, and it's now a plate.  As a child of the '90's, I have to say the Food Pyramid is a part of my youth of which I can not easily let go.  It's like asking me to picture Michelangelo of Sistine Chapel fame without thinking of the Ninja Turtles.)

I think my main problem with eating clean is that sometimes you just need chocolate.  And not a small square of dark chocolate filled with antioxidants.  You need a big piece of sugary milk chocolate filled with peanut butter.  Or caramel.  Or some sort of nougaty goodness.

Also?  Fast food.  Anyone who has experienced the blessed silence that descends upon the minivan after the drive-thru meal has been handed out  smell of french fries promises a delectable meal served around the kitchen table at home because we are not savages who eat in the car, understands the power of the McNugget. Fast food is not very clean.  By any definition.

So, to hijack a potentially helpful and encouraging blog entry about clean eating and healthy living from a woman who has lost some weight, let me say, thank God for processed/unclean/junk food. Because some of us are premenstrual.  Still. 


P.S. As far as the "eating foods found only in nature" part of eating clean, I'm pretty sure the Lord meant to create a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Bush, he just got distracted with kudzu, and that's why it is so out of hand today.  Which is why all you clean eaters can now add Peanut Butter Cups to your diet.  You're welcome.

Kelly's guide to Clean Eating.
I will add that anything chocolate gets an extra 5 seconds when dropped.